The brand of Al's toilet was Ferguson.
Al: It must be the neighbours. People hear you got a Ferguson, they think you got money.
Peggy: Yeah, well, people hear you got a husband, they think you have sex.
Al: Peg, all I'm asking you to do is nothing. Nobody does that better than you. Just pretend the kids are hungry and I've got the flu.
Peggy: You mean, just sit on the couch and pretend you don't exist?
Marcy: You really don't want this chicken?
Peggy: Nah, the kids hate leftovers. Oh, don't put it anywhere near a clock. Anyway Marcy, I just know my lottery numbers are gonna come up and I just need 70 dollars to play. so what do you say Marce? You lend me the 70 dollars and if I win, I'll pay you back.
Marcy: Let me be honest with you Peggy. I once loaned money to a friend and that person never paid me back. I never said a word about it but I harbored a deep resentment. And it strained our relationship to the point where the very sight of that person made me sick.
Peggy: You're kidding. What a low-life. Who was it?
Marcy: It was you Peggy.
Peggy: Oh. How would you like to have the rights to Al's organs after he dies? Sound good? Oh no, I can't do that. I hocked those the other day for a tank of gas.
Steve: A Ferguson, you say.
Peggy: It's made by elves I think, somewhere in Canada.
Marcy: How long will it take him to build the bathroom?
Peggy: Well, the instruction book says that a child can do it in three weeks. So you figure, six, eight months. Then we'll bring in a child.
Steve: Well, on the plus side, a second bathroom will increase the value of the house considerably. (Al drills through the wall and knocks down a picture) But on the minus side, doing it himself, is he?
Marcy: Steve, why don't you go in there and see if you can help?
Steve: Why should I help him?
Marcy: Because if you don't, he may not finish. Then he'll come over and use our bathroom, like last week.
Steve: He killed our goldfish.
Bud: Excuse me here Dad, but a toilet is a toilet.
Al: Bud, the toilets of today aren't worthy of the name. They come in designer colors and they're too low. And when you flush them, they make this little weak, almost apologetic sound. Not the Ferguson. It only comes in white. And when you flush it, BA-WOOSH. That's a man's flush, Bud. A Ferguson says, "I'm a toilet. Sit down and give me your best shot."
Peggy: Honey, how can we afford a new bathroom? As it is, we give the kids candy and tell them it's vitamins.
Al: (to Bud and Kelly) No more vitamins for a while kids. (To Peg) Don't worry, it won't cost much cause I'm gonna build it myself.
Bud: Mom, I'm scared.
Al: Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?
Peggy: Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.
Peggy: Doesn't anyone want breakfast? I have an egg and some M&M's. I could make an omelet. Al: No thanks Peg, I'm still pleasantly nauseous after last night's feast of the three-legged chicken. Why would you buy a chicken with three drumsticks? Peggy: Well, it costs 7 cents a pound. The one with two legs costs $1.19 a pound. Excuse me for thinking of our bankbook instead of our health. Al: Didn't you think that just maybe there was something wrong when the label said "Chernobyl farms"? How many chickens have flippers? Peggy: Don't blame me for that. I just thought it was an extra head. You liked it, didn't you Bud? Bud: Well, it was tasty but hard to eat. I mean, every time I cut a piece off, it'd grow back.
Steve: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink.
Al: Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor.
Steve: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink?
Al: Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.
Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other.
Peggy: I want the lottery.
Peg: How was it Al?
Al: I don't know Peg, I'm constipated.
Kelly: Eat Dad's socks.
Bud: Sniff his shoes.
Peg: I am telling you, Al loves that toilet more than he does me.
Marcy: Peggy, don't be ridiculous.
Al: Hi Peg. (Al walks to the toilet, hugs it and gives it a kiss) Daddy loves you.
Al: Well Peg, we all have to live with our disappointments. I, of course, have to sleep with mine.
Peg: Is that its new name?
Peg: What does that toilet have that I don't?
Al: A job.
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