Al: Hang on Griff, how pathetic are you? A man your age, hanging on to faded high school glory. (Everyone glares at Al.) What!?
Al: Not only is this QVC thing useless, now you've gone and bought a membership for the Buff N' Tuff Health Club.
Peggy: Well, how else am I supposed to stay young and attractive for you?
Al: Buy a time machine.
Bud: Listen to me! You're fired, you're out, you're finished, you're Must-Flee TV!
Al: Wow, that came out of nowhere. Why the sudden change of heart?
Bud: No, it's not sudden. Your acting sucks. It sucked when we started, it sucks now, it'll always suck!
Al: Well, that's just one person's opinion, isn't it?
Kelly and Griff: It sucks.
Men outside of store: It sucks.
Mall Announcer: (over speaker) Attention shoppers: Al Bundy sucks.
(Bud is trying to film Kelly and Griff)
Al: Take 32, which is three more than it took me, by the way.
Griff: That's because you ruined every one of mine.
Al: That's because we had a couple of accidents.
Bud: Oh, dropping a light on Griff's head?
Al: Freak occurrence.
Kelly: The fire in the stock room?
Al: Act of God.
Griff: Rollerblading through here with your pants down playing a tuba?
Al: Hey, what I do on my break is my business.
Marcy (getting into bed) Oh, don't pout. I know something that'll make you feel a lot better.
Jefferson: I don't feel like playing "Hop On Pop".
Marcy: No, I'm talking about the perfect birthday gift. A health club membership. Mmm? (kisses Jefferson) Night-night.
Jefferson: Do you really think I need it? I mean, sure, my thighs jiggle a little when I settle into the tanning bed, but whose don't? (sighs) I'm just worrying over nothing, right? I mean, I still turn you on, don't I, Marcy?
(Marcy is snoring)
Kelly: Okay, somebody broke into my piggy bank again! The long strand of red hair (pulls a hair out of the piggy bank) and these bonbon wrappers (takes out several bonbon wrappers out of the piggy bank) clearly indicate that you, Mother, saw who did it. Now, who was it?
Peg: Uh, gee honey, I really don't know! Hey, look at this lovely Don Knotts hologram I got from QVC.
(Peg holds up the hologram)
Kelly: Don't try to distract me, Mom.
Peg: It's shiny...
(Kelly takes the hologram and looks at it)
Kelly: Mr. Furley, Barney Fyffe! Furley... (tilts the hologram) Fyffe!
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