Marcy: Anyway, you will use Kelly in this commercial, as she is, or we will slap the biggest lawsuit on you that you have ever had.
Director: Could they possibly do that? Sue on behalf of the ugly. How can they win that?
Al: Four words. Attorney... General... Janet... Reno.
Marcy: You know my women's group and I are going to protest.
Al: What? The Stooges? Well if you don't like 'em, how come you keep getting your hair cut like Moe?
Kelly: Please, it's only $200.
Bud: Kelly, I work at the Department of Vehicle Services. How much money do you think I make riding around in the car all day? And remember. I'm upright and in the front seat.
Kelly: Please, I need it to help me get a beer commercial.
Kelly: No, icehole.
Bud: Just asking, slut.
Al: Ah, the Home Shopping Network. Well, this is a good idea for women. It was a little too tough driving to the mall with a couch strapped to their ass.
Al: Well, this looks good. This is the new "Barnaby Jones" reunion show.
Bud: Uh, Dad, that's, uh, that's the new Rolling Stones video. That's not Buddy Ebsen, that's, uh, Keith Richards.
Al: I thought he looked a little old for Buddy Ebsen.
Al: (on the phone) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, listen here, you carpetbaggers. It's been over two weeks and I'm still without Peel. Now, I'm going to whoever regulates you people. Who is that anyway? (writes down what the person says) "Absolutely no one." What is their number? (again writes down what person says) "1-800-Bite-Me." Gotcha! (hangs up)
Al: For once, and I'm not afraid to say it, Al Bundy can't lose.
Kelly: Well, I was fired.
Al: Can't win either.
(The phone rings)
Jefferson: Aren't you gonna answer that?
Al: No. I was happy, that means it's Peg.
Jefferson: You don't know that.
(Kelly answers the phone)
Kelly: Hello? (to Al) It's Mom.
Kelly: Dad, Mom's gonna send me some homemade pimple stuff.
Al: From Uncle Sticky, sweetheart? You remember Uncle Sticky's face, honey? It's where we used to keep our keys.
Al: (to Kelly) Nothing good ever came out of Wanker County, including your mother.
Al: Pretty women makes us buy beer, ugly women makes us drink beer.
Al: Marcy, let me explain something to you. (Al starts clucking)
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