Married... With Children Season 3 Episode 9

Peggy: Well, kids. Your daddy's worthless again. The insurance company found out he was a shoe salesman. They refused to cover him because of the high suicide rate.
Kelly: So, in other words: dead or alive, we still starve.
BudThen why do we keep him?
Peggy: Without him, we'd have to get jobs. And Buck seems to like him.

Al: Don't you think I want to get a haircut, Peg? Do you think I like fat guys in granny glasses asking me if I like the new "Dead" album? But I'm trying to make a statement here. I'm saying let's not let the barber disappear. God knows they've taken everything else away from us in the so-called name of progress. They take the pinball machines and give you video games. What do I care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building? Unless he's going up there to throw off his wife - doesn't matter to me.

Peggy: (writing) First name: Al. Last name: Bundy. Sex: not worth mentioning.
(Al enters from upstairs)
Al: Peg, the darndest thing. When I woke up, my neck was bleeding, and there was a jar between my legs.
Peggy: Well, uh, maybe you dreamt you were making preserves.
Al: Yeah, that must be it. Peg, who am I going to get my hair cut? I called all my friends last night.
Peggy: What did he say?
Al: He said, "Yep, I'm still in San Quentin for killing the wife, but it was worth it." And the rest of them said that they're gonna start going to... salons. Peg, these are plumbers, construction workers, auto mechanics...
Peggy: Oh. Unlike you, skilled illiterates.

Marcy: Gee, Al seems to be taking this pretty badly. Death is something you're never really prepared for.
Peggy: Well, it does make you think. I mean, one minute you're in perfect health, and then the next minute, poof, Al's dead. Gee, and I'd be left with no income and no insurance. What would I do?
Steve: Get a job?
Peggy: No, I said what would I do?

Al: Why did it have to be him, who meant so much to so many? Why couldn't it have been somebody nobody would have missed? A wretch of a human being. Why couldn't it have been your mother?