Al: Well, family, I'm off to fight the forces of evil.
Peg: Mmm-hmm, that's nice, dear.
Al: Hey, will someone pay attention here? They're having me go out to fight horrible people-- probably the French!
Bud: Dad, maybe I should join the Army. I hear women are attracted to men in uniform.
Al: It's not the uniform, son, it's knowing that he's been trained to obey orders and eat crap.
Kelly: (after seeing Al in his army uniform) Oh, no, Daddy's going away again? Now, this time he's joined the Post Office.
Al: Don't worry, pumpkin, Daddy's not going to any place as dangerous as that.
Bud: Kel, I thought you of all people would recognize a man in a military uniform.
Kelly: This is what they look like on? Oh, my God. That's so cute.
Al: Honey, you shouldn't say things like that to Daddy after he's just been trained to use a gun.
Griff: If I don't make it, would you look up my ex-wife and...
Al: And tell her that you love her?
Griff: No, tell her that she's a bitch!
Griff: Haven't you seen a war movie? The black guy always gets it first.
Al: What do you mean?
Griff: Jim Brown in A Dirty Dozen, Lawrence Fishburne in Apocalypse Now, Bubba in Forest Gump, any black man in Star Trek. We go in, test the waters, get killed, and you white guys go home to your families.
Al: Gee, we both lose.
The title is a parody of the army show M*A*S*H