M*A*S*H Season 2 Episode 22

(in the mess tent)
Frank: (to Radar) You're an enlisted man, Corporal. This is an officer's mess. Do you read me?
Hawkeye: If it'll help, I'll make him an officer.
Radar: Gee, would you?

Weston: Two guys have got beat up from my outfit. One colored, and, uh...one homosexual.
Hawkeye: So you're a Negro? Who'd have guessed?

(in the OR, Trapper is singing 'I've Got You Under My Skin')
Trapper: And repeats and repeats in my ear...
Frank: Will you shut up?!
Trapper: Don't you know little fool, you never can win...

Trapper: Could you become a priest? Remain celibate?
Hawkeye: Only if they had me quick-frozen.

(in Henry's office, as Radar gives Henry his monthly physical)
Frank: (talking about Weston) He's not one of us. He's one of them.
Henry: Who are them, Frank, that's not one of us?
Frank: He's not a man.
Henry: A woman, Frank? There's no woman in post-op, you know that.
Frank: Sir, a non-heterosexual!
Henry: (cleary annoyed) Frank, why are you...(taking thermometer out of his mouth) Frank, why are you telling me this? Has the man made a pass at you? At me, at anyone?
Radar: Give me your hand, sir. (takes Henry's pulse)
Frank: Well, I felt it was my duty. As a surgeon and an officer, I'm obliged to report any man who may jeopardize his unit.
Henry: Well, you just never know, do you?