Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Major Charles Emerson Winchester III (Season 6-11)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter (Season 4-11)
Corporal/Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger
Major Margaret J. "Hot Lips" Houlihan
Captain BJ Hunnicut (Season 4-11)
Donna Marie Parker
(Col. Potter is briefing the medical staff on Korean hemorrhagic fever)
Col .Potter: About the only thing they (I Corp) do know for sure is that 10 to 20% of the people who get it are gonna die. Surgeon General's office calls that figure "significant." My choice would be "appalling." And they've sent us a change in the prescribed treatment of patients in phase three.
Hawkeye: Good timing. We've got Shaw in there warming up for phase three right now.
Margaret: Just to refresh everybody's memories, Colonel, if I may, phase three is characterized by abnormally high urinary output, delirium, sometimes coma...
Col. Potter: Thank you, Major.
Margaret: .... and severe loss of appetite...
Col. Potter: Thank you again, Major.
BJ: Colonel, what do they want us to do for Shaw?
Col. Potter: Well, as soon as his kidneys get back to work, the latest word is no intravenous salt solution.
Hawkeye: (dumbfounded) NO I.V. SALINE?! What are we supposed to give them, hot chocolate?
BJ: Colonel, these kids are gonna be putting out huge amounts of fluids. They're gonna be losing sodium by the pound.
Col. Potter: I know that, Hunnicutt, along with potassium chloride and everything but their socks. Are you getting any of this, Winchester?
Charles: (suffering from a hangover) Hanging on every sock, sir.
Margaret: Nonetheless, the directive is very specific. The procedure of using an I.V. solution of five percent salt is discontinued.
Col. Potter: Has to be. These kids can't handle it. In many cases, fluids just fill up the lungs and the boys literally drown internally.
Hawkeye: (sarcastic and upset) Now all we need is a cure for the cure.
Col. Potter: According to HQ, it's no saline. Let the disease run its course.
Hawkeye: So what do we do? Just stand around like this, like dummies and do nothing?
Charles: Surely, Colonel, there is something we can do. We are physicians, not spectators.
BJ: Colonel, does that say no saline at all?
Col. Potter: That's right-- "at all."
BJ: I'd put that under the heading of overcompensation.
Hawkeye: Well, you know the army, Beej. A ton of prevention for an ounce of cure.
Col. Potter: Call it what you want. I think they mean it, Pierce. "Failure to follow the procedure in this directive will be treated as a court-martial offense and can result in automatic loss of rank and pay, and dishonorable discharge." Comprende?
BJ: Army's going soft. They left out the rack and thumbscrews.
Charles: I brought you no presents; I'd sooner pet a bubonic rat.
Klinger: Major Winchester. Major Winchester! I had to wake you, sir, this is really important.
Charles: Klinger, unless my pants are on fire, you are a dead man.
Klinger: Major, you're in big trouble.
Charles: Oh? What sort of big trouble?
Klinger: You'd better take this lying down, sir. There was a call for you from Seoul. A lady. Said she'd be here in two hours.
Charles: Ohah. She have a name?
Klinger: She certainly did. Mrs. Chuck Winchester the Third.
Hawkeye: Look, Chuck. We can handle Shaw. Why don't you go meet the missus?
"Mrs. Winchester": Well, you did invite me, you know.
Charles: I did?
"Mrs. Winchester: It wasn't invited, really, it was more like: "Come live with me and be my love, and we shall all the pleasures prove".
Charles: Good heavens, that is me.
Charles: In that event, you wouldn't mind answering an extremely personal question?
"Mrs. Winchester": Of course not.
Charles: What is your name?
(Final scene - everyone here is completely plastered)
Hawkeye: We are gathered here in conclave met ... (Klinger hiccups) ... thank you ... for two reasons: one, to celebrate Corporal Shaw's first night out [from surviving hemorrhagic fever] (cheers from group) and, b, to officially dissolve the ersatz marriage of Mr. and Mrs. "Chuck" Winchester.
Charles: Cuddles, cuddles ... cuddles ...
Hawkeye: Father, I realize that ... that this ceremony will not ... will not be in line with the basic tenants of your religion.
Potter: I di ... didn't know te-tennis was a re-religion.
Mulcahy: No ecclesiastical conflicts, Hawkeye; the bartender who married them was a druid!
Hawkeye: Father, if you'll just get ready to play "So Long, It's Been Good To Know You". Is the flower girl, ready?
Margaret: Absolutely! A bouquet of four roses!
Hawkeye: And, now, to perform the ceremony, the Ir-reverend J.B. Honeydew!
(B.J. staggers in front of the "Winchesters" with a comic book in hands)
B.J.: Hit it, Father. (Mulcahy starts playing the piano) Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?
Charles: I un-do.
B.J.: And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester III, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?
Donna Marie: I un-do, too.
B.J.: Then by the power invested in me, by the state of intoxication, I hereby pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.
This is the second time the staff has had to deal with hemorrhagic fever. The first time they were plagued by it was in the episode "Soldier of the Month".
At the staff meeting, when Col. Potter tells Klinger to "shuffle off to Buffalo" he is alluding to a song and dance number which appeared in the 1933 Warner Bros musical feature film 42nd Street.
"Mrs. Winchester": It wasn't invited, really, it was more like: "Come live with me and be my love, and we shall all the pleasures prove".
Chuck was quoting the first two lines of "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love", written by Christopher Marlowe (1564-1593).
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