M*A*S*H

Season 9 Episode 13

No Laughing Matter

2
Aired Unknown Feb 16, 1981 on CBS
7.2
out of 10
User Rating
51 votes
1

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Episode Summary

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No Laughing Matter
AIRED:
Hawkeye wagers that he can go a full day without a wisecrack, and Winchester finally confronts the colonel who exiled him to the 4077th.

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  • No Laughing Matter

    7.0
    BJ counts the number of jokes Hawkeye makes in one conversation, and implies it is because he is insecure, which Hawkeye of course denies, and bets that he can go a whole day without telling a single joke. Meanwhile, Potter receives news that Colonel Baldwin, the man responsible for sending Winchester to the 4077th in the first place, is coming to the unit. He breaks the news to Winchester, who immediately plans to get even, but Klinger tells him if he kisses up to Baldwin, he may return to Tokyo, stating, "If you want to grow a rose, you have to spread some manure." Charles treats this suggestion with contempt , but when Baldwin arrives, he surprises everyone by taking Klinger's advice and treating the Colonel like a king, going so far as to play Cribbage with him and losing on purpose to remove the Colonel's debt. At length Baldwin asks Winchester to do him a favor, find a business girl to spend the night with him. While Winchester looks for one, Margaret delivers some papers to Baldwin, But the latter assumes she is the woman Charles sent and makes a move on her. In a fury, she marches to Charles and calls him him a "Procurer." and runs of to runs off to tell Colonel Potter. Hawkeye and BJ watch the interaction take place and Hawkeye, who has refrained from joking thus far, is in agony over not remarking on the hilarious circumstances. Baldwin appears and promises to transfer Charles back to Tokyo, if he lies and gives testimony that Margaret was trying to seduce Baldwin for a promotion. When Potter arrives, Charles is reluctant at first, but refuses to lie and ruin Margaret's career. Colonel Baldwin leaves, and Hawkeye sneaks into the main office and announces on the PA system that it is officially midnight, thus he has won the bet and tells the jokes he has been holding in all day. the episode closes as Charles morns the fact that he didn't return to Tokyo, but Margaret Thanks him for standing up for her and sticking to what was right. Charles agrees and says,"Well, I'll certainly never do that again."moreless
Alan Alda

Alan Alda

Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce

David Ogden Stiers

David Ogden Stiers

Major Charles Emerson Winchester III (Season 6-11)

Harry Morgan

Harry Morgan

Colonel Sherman T. Potter (Season 4-11)

Jamie Farr

Jamie Farr

Corporal/Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger

Loretta Swit

Loretta Swit

Major Margaret J. "Hot Lips" Houlihan

Mike Farrell

Mike Farrell

Captain BJ Hunnicut (Season 4-11)

Robert Symonds

Robert Symonds

Colonel Horace Baldwin

Guest Star

Mae Hi

Mae Hi

Korean Woman

Guest Star

Nathan Jung

Nathan Jung

Korean Thug

Guest Star

Jeff Maxwell

Jeff Maxwell

Igor

Recurring Role

Kellye Nakahara

Kellye Nakahara

Kellye

Recurring Role

Eileen Saki

Eileen Saki

Rosie

Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (13)

    • Potter: (about Reader's Digest) I own their entire abridged library. Mildred can never figure what they leave out in those.
      Hawkeye: My personal favorites are "The tale of a city" and "The two musketeers".

    • Hawkeye: (trying not to joke about the crazy things happening around him) It's like I'm dying of thirst and I can't unscrew my canteen! Laughter laughter everywhere, and not a joke to...(stops himself)

    • Charles: The injustice of it all! To banish me to this--vermin preserve!--just to avoid paying me the six hundred dollars he lost me in a cribbage game! Ergo--when he arrives, I shall perform elective surgury on the first organ that presents itself!

    • Klinger: Begging your pardon, Major.
      Charles: What is it, you meddling little Bedouin?

    • Winchester: (to Col. Baldwin) I've groveled! I have endured your insufferable cribbage playing! I have kissed your brass! But I WILL NOT, even for a return to that pearl of the orient Tokyo, lie to protect you while destroying a friend's career!

    • Col. Potter: Winchester, you want to explain all this after hours hoopty-do?
      B.J. Hunnicutt: Yes Charles, what did you do with your hoopty?

    • Korean Thug (To Charles): Ten dollar or break legs!
      B.J. Hunnicutt: Give him five dollars for one leg and see how you like it.

    • Hawkeye (in the Mess Tent): I'll have some of that orange stuff.
      Igor: Oh, the green beans.

    • (Klinger gives Col. Potter a letter)
      Klinger: If I were with Western Union, I would at this moment be receiving a gratuity.
      Col. Potter: Back to work, lad.
      Klinger: Talk is cheap. And so is the colonel.

    • Klinger: How would you like to win an all-expense paid trip to Tokyo for the rest of the war?
      Charles: Tokyo, Japan?
      Klinger: That's right. The Pearl of the Orient, and all you have to do to win this contest is know the three W's for getting ahead: what to kiss, whose to kiss, and when to kiss it.

    • Col. Potter: Major, you were kind, courteous and every bit the gentleman. Now what do you have up your sleeve?
      BJ: Maybe a gun. Does a Winchester carry a derringer?
      Hawkeye: It seems unlikely.
      Charles: Gentlemen, the answer is very simple. This morning I received some sage advice to forgive, forget, do unto others, etc...
      Col. Potter: HOLD IT! I was the one who gave out that advice and I happen to know I was talking to myself.

    • Klinger: Major, look at the big picture. If you're smart, the only physical thing you'll greet Colonel Baldwin with is a handshake. This situation calls for tact, diplomacy, and sucking up.
      Charles: Suck up? A Winchester?
      Klinger: Remember, to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you've gotta shovel a lotta manure.
      Charles: Why am I listening to this interminable drivel when there is a perfect murder to be planned?

    • Klinger: Sir, I've had a lot of experience in these matters.
      Charles: I do not need the wisdom of your experience. I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.

  • NOTES (1)

  • ALLUSIONS (1)

    • Hawkeye says, "Laughter, laughter everywhere, and not a joke to ..." but he can't finish the line because it would be a joke. He is paraphrasing Samuel Taylor Coleridge's poem "The Rime Of the Ancient Mariner" and its well-known line, "Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink."

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