Potter: (about Reader's Digest) I own their entire abridged library. Mildred can never figure what they leave out in those.
Hawkeye: My personal favorites are "The tale of a city" and "The two musketeers".
Hawkeye: (trying not to joke about the crazy things happening around him) It's like I'm dying of thirst and I can't unscrew my canteen! Laughter laughter everywhere, and not a joke to...(stops himself)
Charles: The injustice of it all! To banish me to this--vermin preserve!--just to avoid paying me the six hundred dollars he lost me in a cribbage game! Ergo--when he arrives, I shall perform elective surgury on the first organ that presents itself!
Klinger: Begging your pardon, Major.
Charles: What is it, you meddling little Bedouin?
Winchester: (to Col. Baldwin) I've groveled! I have endured your insufferable cribbage playing! I have kissed your brass! But I WILL NOT, even for a return to that pearl of the orient Tokyo, lie to protect you while destroying a friend's career!
Col. Potter: Winchester, you want to explain all this after hours hoopty-do?
B.J. Hunnicutt: Yes Charles, what did you do with your hoopty?
Korean Thug (To Charles): Ten dollar or break legs!
B.J. Hunnicutt: Give him five dollars for one leg and see how you like it.
Hawkeye (in the Mess Tent): I'll have some of that orange stuff.
Igor: Oh, the green beans.
(Klinger gives Col. Potter a letter)
Klinger: If I were with Western Union, I would at this moment be receiving a gratuity.
Col. Potter: Back to work, lad.
Klinger: Talk is cheap. And so is the colonel.
Klinger: How would you like to win an all-expense paid trip to Tokyo for the rest of the war?
Charles: Tokyo, Japan?
Klinger: That's right. The Pearl of the Orient, and all you have to do to win this contest is know the three W's for getting ahead: what to kiss, whose to kiss, and when to kiss it.
Col. Potter: Major, you were kind, courteous and every bit the gentleman. Now what do you have up your sleeve?
BJ: Maybe a gun. Does a Winchester carry a derringer?
Hawkeye: It seems unlikely.
Charles: Gentlemen, the answer is very simple. This morning I received some sage advice to forgive, forget, do unto others, etc...
Col. Potter: HOLD IT! I was the one who gave out that advice and I happen to know I was talking to myself.
Klinger: Major, look at the big picture. If you're smart, the only physical thing you'll greet Colonel Baldwin with is a handshake. This situation calls for tact, diplomacy, and sucking up.
Charles: Suck up? A Winchester?
Klinger: Remember, to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you've gotta shovel a lotta manure.
Charles: Why am I listening to this interminable drivel when there is a perfect murder to be planned?
Klinger: Sir, I've had a lot of experience in these matters.
Charles: I do not need the wisdom of your experience. I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.
Burt Metcalfe received an Emmy nomination for Outstanding Directing in a Comedy Series.
Hawkeye says, "Laughter, laughter everywhere, and not a joke to ..." but he can't finish the line because it would be a joke. He is paraphrasing Samuel Taylor Coleridge's poem "The Rime Of the Ancient Mariner" and its well-known line, "Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink."
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