Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Corporal Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly (Season 1-8)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter (Season 4-11)
Corporal/Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger
Major Franklin Delano Marion Burns (Season 1-5)
Major Margaret J. "Hot Lips" Houlihan
Captain Arnold Lawrence Chandler
Gary Burghoff asked the producers to give Radar a real name - he got his wish in this episode.
(Major Burns and Major Houlihan are talking to Colonel Potter about Captain Chandler who claims to be Jesus Christ.)
Houlihan: Colonel, we're speaking of our Saviour.
Burns: We want to be sure--
Houlihan: That certain parties---
Burns: Don't help that yellow-backed hoodwink the U. S. Army in which, I for one, so proudly serve!
Houlihan: We so.
Potter: You're referring to--
Burns: Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Houlihan: Is who he's referring to.
Potter: Oh, you've hated them since they stuck a turtle in your shorts.
Burns: Well, this has nothing to do with that!
Potter: What is it you think they're planning to do?
Burns: Well, who knows? All these bleeding-heart liberals are the same! Let a man claim to be an underdog and they will do anything they can for him!
Potter: You regard Jesus Christ as an underdog?
Burns: Well, he didn't exactly run roughshod over the Greeks.
Houlihan: (correcting him) Romans.
Flagg: His name is Chandler, Arnold T. He's a bombadeer with the 128th. His plane was shot down two days ago, at which time he recieved his alleged wounds.
Hawkeye: (to BJ) I told you they were alleged wounds. That's why I gave him all that alleged plasma.
Flagg: (threatening) You're lucky I got a sense of humor!
Hawkeye: Goes against my training to say 'take two aspirin and go get yourself killed'. What would Hippocrates say? What would Socrates say? (to nurse) And what would you say if I asked you if you wanted to go in the linen closet for several minutes of heavy breathing?
Frank: Are you gonna knock it off?
Hawkeye: That's what I'm trying to find out.
Hawkeye: (sighs) Oh, Lord. (to patient) Sorry, I wasn't talking to you.
(Flagg is trying to bully Col.Potter into giving him Chandler)
Flagg: I either want Chandler's highly trained thumb up there pushing the button, or I want to get him for dereliction of duty.
Hawkeye: Why don't we just remove his thumb and send that over to the 428th?
Col. Potter: Colonel?
Flagg: When can I have him? Give me a medical decision now. The last C.O. they had here couldn't make a decision without a month's warning.
Col. Potter: I'm not fond of personal abuse, Colonel. I was in this man's army when the only thumb you cared about was the one you had in your mouth!
(Frank is saying Hawkeye and Hunnicutt are trying to help Chandler get out of the army)
Frank: I'm telling you, those two hotshots will do anything they can to give the red, white, and blue a black eye.
Col. Potter: Horse hockey. Pardon my French. As long as I'm in charge around here, which will be another seventeen months, two weeks, six days-- there will be no shenanigans. I do not approve of carrying tales. Evidence is one thing. Innuendo is another!
(Frank, Margaret, and Col. Potter are talking about Captain Chandler)Z
Margaret: Just what do you intend doing about it, Col. Potter? It's an outrage.
Frank: Something has to be done about this person calling himself Christ.
Col. Potter: Why?
Margaret: (shocked) WHY? Did you say "Why?"
Col. Potter: It wasn't him. It must've been me. Oh come off it Major. Who's this fella hurting?
Frank: (sounding angry) He should be court-martialed for cowardice!
Margaret: (sounding angry) And blasphemy!
Frank: And blasphemy!
Margaret: And cowardice!
Frank: And cowardice! The effrontery of the man! A mere captain claiming to be... him.
Col. Potter: But I don't see how that pertains. If a man says he's Christ, he might just become a better Christian. I mean, if I had a horse who was convinced he was Man O' War, I don't know that I'd want to set him straight--if you get my drift.
(Hawkeye and BJ erupt in laughter after seeing Klinger, who's dressed up as Moses!)
Klinger: Sir, can you get Dr. Freedman back here, the psychiatrist?
BJ: On what grounds?
Klinger: I'm Moses, right?
BJ: (chuckles some more) Freedman's in Tokyo, Klinger.
Hawkeye: You take the first left in the road, and then when you come to it, you part the Sea of Japan!
Klinger: Oh, ye of little faith!
BJ: That's Matthew.
Klinger: Maybe I'm him then! I'll be anyone to get out! Moses, Matthew, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, (walks away) Bashful, Dopey, Happy...
Potter: Well, Dr. Freedman, what's the diagnosis?
Sidney: He's Christ.
Potter: If you look closely, you may notice I'm not laughing.
Sidney: Okay, he's not Christ. But he's also not Chandler.
Flagg: Psycho-analytical double talk.
Sidney: The man's a victim.
Flagg: (sounding annoyed) Bucking for a ticket stateside. All we have to do is stuff the guts back in him.
Hawkeye: Frank builds the cross, and he's the nail salesman.
Sidney: You're a victim too, Flagg. But you're such an unbelievable example of walking fertilizer, it's hard for me to care. (to Colonel Potter) Colonel, some men lose an arm, or a hand or a leg. Chandler lost himself. He's not playing a game. He spent two years dropping bombs on people who never did anything to him, until finally something inside this kid from Idaho said, 'Enough! You're Christ, you're not a killer. The next bomb you drop, you drop on yourself.'
Potter: What do you suggest, Doctor?
Sidney: I think that with a lot of the right kind of help, we may be able to turn him back into Arnold Chandler. We'll never be able to turn him back into a fighting tool. And it's my professional advice that we don't try.
Flagg: I've got to nip this rotten apple in the bud! This sort of action's contagious. One man decides he's not gonna fight, it catches on, the next thing, you know what you've got on your hands?
(Klinger enters Radar's office wearing a dress and a flowered hat, singing 'The More I See You')
Flagg: This is the Army, soldier!
Klinger: I get that feeling, too.
Flagg: The next time I see you, Tinkerbell, you'd better be in uniform and as GI as General MacArthur, you hear me?
Klinger: Loud and clear, Mary.
(salutes Flagg, starts singing again and leaves)
Radar (about his teddy bear): I know he's not real, but we're very close.
Sidney: Tell me, is it true that God answers all prayers?
Chandler: Yes. (a tear runs down his cheek) Sometimes the answer is no.
Sidney: He's what Freud used to call "spooky."
Hawkeye: On the other hand, if Flagg wasn't mean, rotten, and crazy, he wouldn't have any personality at all.
Sidney: I'd like to go on talking to you, Flagg, but with your schizophrenia I'd have to charge you double time. Now if you'll excuse me, I've already kept Jesus waiting five minutes.
(talking about Flagg)
Sidney: He's got a few bugs in his filter.
Potter: A little locoweed must have gotten mixed in with his feed. He always carry on like that?
BJ: I think he's been sniffing his invisible ink.
Flagg: You are very smart, Freedman.
Hawkeye: I told you.
Flagg: You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe, cozy civilian practice.
BJ: He's on to you, Sid.
Flagg: You're not smart, Freedman, you're dumb, very dumb! But you met your match in me! (BJ chuckles)
Flagg: Major Freedman?
Flagg: Col. Flagg, We played poker once.
Freedman: Oh, sure. With Intelligence right?
Flagg: I have nothing to do with intelligence.
Freedman: Better, you won't get worry lines.
In this episode, Klinger temporarily stops wearing women's clothing to dress up as Moses in yet another unsuccessful attempt to get his Section 8.
Watch the birdie, starting with this episode, Flagg is a full Colonel, not a Lt. Col.
For the first time in the series, we learn that Radar's name is actually Walter.
This a unique episode in that there is no laugh track [The DVD edition has no option for 'no laugh track', and has no laugh track]- apparently CBS felt that any laugh track associated with this particular story line might be considered blasphemy.
When Col. Flagg introduces himself to Freedman he tells him that they played poker together once. Would this be in episode #37 "Deal Me Out" when he went under the name of Captain Halloran?
After an unsuccessful sojourn in the Friday night slot, the show returns to Tuesday nights, @ 8:30.
This is the first of 8 episodes written by Burt Prelutsky. The last is episode 132.
'Quo Vadis' is Latin for 'where are you going?', and it is used as a proverbial phrase from the Bible (John 16:5).
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