Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Corporal Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly
Colonel Sherman T. Potter
Corporal/Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger
Major Franklin Delano Marion Burns
Major Margaret J. "Hot Lips" Houlihan
In the scene where he's on guard duty, Klinger sings "You're The Tops". Hawkeye sings the same song in the episode "The Joker Is Wild" when he loses a bet to B.J.
(Colonel Potter waits for an explanation from Major Burns as to why he shot B. J. Hunnicutt.)
Burns: How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---
Potter: (angrily) How did it happen, Burns?
Burns: You mean the, uh---?
Burns: I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!
Potter: I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt.
(Radar starts to laugh.)
Burns: What's so funny, Corporal?!
Potter: Don't blame the boy, Burns. He knows a good joke when he sees one.
Soldier: Klinger, I'm here to relieve you.
Klinger: Good. Undo my bra.
(Hawkeye and Frank help B.J. out of the Swamp).
B.J.: Frank, you're a credit to the enemy.
Frank: Well, I said I'm sorry, what more can I do?
B.J.: Put an apple in your mouth and play William Tell.
Klinger: Halt! Who goes there? (The Korean girl raises her arms, Klinger turns to Margaret) She's either surrendering or signaling for a touchdown.
Flagg: What's war without casualties?
Flagg: (points finger at B.J.) If it wasn't for war, you wouldn't know what peace was!
B.J.: (to Hawkeye) He's got a point there.
Hawkeye: Yeah, it's under his hat.
Flagg: (as Frank puts his arm around Flagg's shoulder) My father touched me like that once. To this day he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.
Klinger: Good morning, my colonel.
Potter: Klinger, you look lovely in yellow.
Klinger: Always a gentleman.
Flagg: I can find anything.
Hawkeye: Can you find my virginity? I lost it twenty years ago and haven't seen it since.
Flagg: (to Burns) You were insanely jealous of her engagement. You were furious at being rejected! You were capable of murder.
Hawkeye: That's right! So you hit over the head with a blunt instrument.
B.J.: A saxophone.
Hawkeye: Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray.
B.J.: Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny.
Hawkeye: The rest is obvious. You stuck her in a trunk, you mailed her to Las Vegas, and now she's doing two shows a night at the Sands.
B.J.: Three on Saturdays.
Flagg: (dragging Burns with him) There's only one flaw with that theory.
Hawkeye: Only one?
Flagg: They don't do three shows Saturday night at the Sands.
Hawkeye: How do you know?
Flagg: I was a showgirl for six weeks.
Flagg: I've trained myself not to laugh or smile.
Flagg: Watched a hundred hours of The Three Stooges. Every time I felt like smiling, I jabbed myself in the stomach with a cattle prod.
Potter: That ought to do it.
(Flagg grabs Frank's magazine out of his hands)
Flagg: This won`t look good on your record.
Frank: But sir, it's only Readers' Digest.
Flagg: Not when you eliminate the third, fifth and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade!
Radar: (trying to wake Klinger) Uh, Klinger?
Klinger: Ma, I don't wanna go to school today. I've got a headache.
Radar: It's Radar.
Klinger: Radar, I don't wanna go to school today.
Potter: (about Flagg's disguise)) Nice suit. Your clown outfit in the cleaners?
Potter: Pardon me for asking, Colonel, but why are you dressed like an Italian usher?
Flagg: Can you keep a secret?
Potter: I think so.
Flagg: I'm disguised as Ling Chow, Chinese double agent.
Potter: Funny, you don't look Chinese.
Flagg: Neither would Ling Chow if he were dressed like this. Follow me?
Potter: As far as I'd like to.
Frank: Just promise me you won't tell on me and get me in trouble! Huh? Please? Please? Pretty please?
Hawkeye: We promise, Frank.
Potter: What happened here?
Hawkeye: Frank shot B.J.
Frank: Tattle tale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver!
Radar: Colonel Potter, sir?
Potter: Radar, you can call me either Colonel or Sir, you don't have to call me both.
Radar: Yes sir, Colonel.
Potter: That's better.
Frank: (to Radar) What are you doing here, grunthead?
Radar: I'm trying to locate Major Houlihan!
Frank: You mean, 'Major Houlihan, sir.'
Radar: I don't know what to call her anymore! She says 'ma'am,' you say, 'sir'...
Hawkeye: (singing) Let's call the whole thing off!
Frank: Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me!
BJ: You moron! You could've killed me!
Frank: It was an accident! It ricocheted off the footlocker!
BJ: I'll ricochet your nose off the footlocker!
Hawkeye: (returning from the shower) What happened?
BJ: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!
Radar: (telling Potter about looking for Margaret) I've looked everywhere except the nurses' showers. Oh, no sir, I couldn't look in there! There might be naked female personnel showering with their clothes off!
Klinger: (as a Korean girl stares at his dress) This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
Flagg: Nobody tells anybody I'm anywhere, including me!
Flagg: Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
Jon Yune, who plays the translator, was a popular stand-up comedian during the 1970's.
Mulcahy does not appear in this episode.
B.J. makes reference to William Tell, the (probably apocryphal) Swiss patriot of the fourteenth century who was forced to shoot an apple off his young son's head after refusing to pay homage to Gessler, the local tyrant.
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