Frank: I'd appreciate it, sir, if you'd send a letter to the General, outlining my qualifications.
Potter: Good idea. (Pulls out a sheet of stationary) What are they?
Frank: Well, I have a thriving practice back in Fort Wayne!
Hawkeye: They're thriving 'cause Frank's not there.
Frank: And a splendid war record!
Hawkeye: Colonel, should you mention the time he dropped bubble gum in the patient?
Potter: Bubble gum--good.
Hawkeye: Or the time he sneezed and performed an accidental appendectomy?
B.J.: Fainted in OR 27 times.
Hawkeye: Threw up in Post Op, 12.
B.J.: Overslept, 48.
Frank: Oh, Colonel, you're not writing all that down, are you?
Potter: I'm getting it all, it may help!
Hawkeye: The hysterectomy on that Sergeant.
B.J.: Oh, was he sore about that!
Hawkeye: Oh, let's not forget Major Houlihan.
Potter: Oh, Major Houlihan, we shouldn't forget...
General Korshack: Seriously, where did you study?
Hawkeye: I never studied seriously. If I hadn't cheated on the final exam and been a personal friend of the cadavers, I never would have graduated. And that was high school.
BJ: You're a good father, Radar.
Radar: I'm not the father.
BJ: I know. You're still a good father.
Hawkeye: Sometimes I get the feeling we're only a bunch of mechanics.
Hawkeye: Sure. Doctors fix people up so they can go on living. We fix them up so they can go back and get killed. We're running a body and fender shop at a demolition derby.
Potter: When it comes to death, Pierce is a sore loser.
Hawkeye: Don't let the bastard win!
Hawkeye: War isn't hell. War is war and hell is hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
Mulcahy: How do you figure that, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to hell?
Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.
Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in hell. But war is chock full of them—little kids, cripples, old lades. In fact except for a few of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
Frank: So like you, Hunnicutt. Not a patriotic bone in your body.
Hawkeye: No wonder the man flunked anatomy, he thinks there are patriotic bones!
B.J.'s comment that the baby is "Fit as a fiddle and ready for love" is a reference to the song Gene Kelly and Donald O'Conner sang in Singin' In The Rain.