Lt. Colonel Henry Braymore Blake (Season 1-3)
Corporal Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly (Season 1-8)
Major Franklin Delano Marion Burns (Season 1-5)
Major Margaret J. "Hot Lips" Houlihan
Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Captain John Francis Xavier "Trapper" McIntyre (Season 1-3)
Nurse Meg Cratty
Hawkeye and Trapper could have pressed charges against Frank and Hot Lips for what they did. Arresting them to keep them from helping Henry falls under interfering with a trial and stripping them of their clothes falls under cruel and unusual punishment.
Goof: When Meg Cratty arrives in the court she is seen wearing an old army shirt, but on the sleeve can be seen the outline of either an E-4 or E-5 Specialist chevron. Unfortunately, the Specialist grades didn't go into effect until July 1, 1955.
Trapper: What do we do?
Hawkeye: I can't think here; there's no booze, the place has been cleaned up within an inch of its life, and your knees are driving me wild.
Trapper: Get smart with me, soldier? I'm cheap, but I'm not easy.
Murphy: Further, these were delivered to your unit, but were not delivered to the officer in charge of supplies, Major Houlihan, according to him.
Henry: Him's a her; she's a she.
Murphy: Who's a she?
Henry: He is.
Henry: That's her.
(Hawkeye and Trapper walk in on Margaret massaging Frank's face)
Hawkeye: I've always said it, behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator.
Henry: General, may I say something? (in a strong voice) Before Meg Cratty set up shop, seven out of ten babies born to the hill people never made it past the first few days. My giving her penicillin and what not just made her job alot easier. No money changed hands, and I didn't deprive our own wounded boys of one thing. I'm guilty, that's my explanation. So you can hang my butt from a flagpole.
Frank: This outfit is finally going to have a real man in charge!
Hawkeye: (shaking Margaret's hand) Good luck, fella.
Trapper: You deserve it, guy.
General Mitchell: Having heard the charges and the Colonel's explanation, I'm inclined to expunge the record. In order to do that, I'll need you to drop your charges Major.
Frank: General, I am proud to serve this country and equally proud to fight in this war. My family came to America in 1927.
Hawkeye: Riding on a pony.
Frank: I will not drop these charges. Col. Blake's total refusal to go by the book is a slap in the face to the loyalty and devotion given to the flag by officers and men like Major Houlihan and myself. Uh, therefore, I decline to change my position in any way, shape or form.
(Hawkeye writes on a piece of paper as Frank talks)
Hawkeye: Excuse me, General, some new evidence has just come to light. Major Burns?
(hands Frank a piece of paper and he is suddenly panic-stricken)
Frank: You wouldn't.
Hawkeye: In a minute.
Frank: General, in view of certain circumstances, I, at this time, withdraw my charges.
(he hands her the paper)
General Mitchell: You're sure, Major?
Margaret: Uh--he is.
(After the trial, Radar reads the piece of paper)
Radar: 'Dear Mrs. Burns, since you're so proud of your husband as an officer, it is sad to report that he is frequently out of uniform. And maybe you should know with who.'
Hawkeye: That's 'whom.'
Radar: Oh. 'Whom.'
(Klinger goes hang-gliding past in a housecoat and slippers)
Hawkeye: (kissing a nurse, then looking up) Did you see that?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Nurse: Oh, really?
Trapper: (walking over to Hawkeye with another nurse) Hey, Hawk, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet!
Hawkeye: (to the nurse) See?
Margaret: Whatever they've told you, these two are living proof of Henry Blake's unfitness for command.
Henry: I never claimed to be a junior General MacArthur. Look, I'm a doctor and I try to patch up wounded kids and run a hospital.
Radar: (from behind Hawkeye) Right!
(Gen. Mitchell glares at Radar, he goes back behind Hawkeye)
Gen. Mitchell: (about Klinger's attempt to fly back to the U.S.) Colonel, what did you think about Klinger's attempt to desert the United States Army?
Henry: Well, frankly, sir, I think, uh, he might have made it if he'd had better tailwind.
Frank: General, request permission to address this hearing.
General Mitchell: Who are you?
Margaret: Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!
General Mitchell: Which is which?
Hawkeye: Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.
Trapper: Look. You're a Captain, I'm a Captain. That makes two Captains against one Major. Now if you were playing poker, and you had a pair of Captains in the hole, you'd bet your brains out.
Hawkeye: The trouble is, he's not one of a kind.
Trapper: (nodding) That's right. Hot Lips is a major, too.
Hawkeye: That's a bigger pair.
Frank: (To tribunal, indicating Hawkeye) General, this man is A-W-O-L.
Margaret: (indicating Trapper) So is he. They're both AWOL.
Trapper: That's only because we're Absent Without Leave.
Cratty: (To tribunal) This girl, and dozens like her, will have healthy babies because of Henry Blake. Now I operate a clinic, and when someone's sick, I don't ask about their politics. Henry Blake is the only man who's ever helped me. He's a caring, decent man--which is more than I can say about any of you high-priced bellhops.
Hawkeye: (To Cratty) You're beautiful.
Cratty: (to Hawkeye) I used to be, sonny.
Cratty: (indicating pregnant Korean woman) This is an sample of Henry Blake's work.
Henry: Oh, brother, that's all I need.
Trapper: We're here to help Col. Blake, sir.
Henry: Yeah, get me life in front of the firing squad.
Klinger: I did just like you told me. I put the whole thing in his beer.
Hawkeye: Take two bras out of petty cash.
Trapper: (Handing a note to Klinger) Corporal. For nasal drip.
Klinger: I haven't got a nasal drip.
Trapper: Take it, or I'll give you one.
Klinger: (Reading note) Oh, yes sir. Yes, I'll have this filled right away. (Stops in front of guard and sniffs)
Radar: (as he sells Hawkeye the shoes) You can't not afford to give your feet the best home they ever had!
Major Murphy: Charge three states you have a non-com who is a transvestite.
Colonel Blake: Well, I don't pry into a man's religion, sir.
General Mitchell: A transvestite wears dresses, Colonel.
Colonel Blake: Oh, Klinger.
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