Kate and George have just moved in to the Mathnet division at NYPD, meeting Captain Joe Greco, Sgt. Abruzzi, and a new ally, cabdriver Benny Pill. As they are fresh off "The Case of the Ersatz Earthquake," Kate and George are well-prepared to hear about another prognosticator. This guy worked long hours to swindle five prominent city lawyers out of a few thousand bucks by predicting the results of a horse race.moreless
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Captain Joe Greco
Announcer: (during the Swami's mugshot) Swami River, only son of Old Man River, was tried and convicted of a 190.65: Scheme to defraud in the first degree, and a Title 19: Section 1341: Mail fraud. He was sent to a State Penitentiary for his crimes, and put to work in the prison mail room. Zip code: 01310.
Mr. Bully: Look, I just got greedy. Okay? But there is one thing I want.
Kate: Yes, sir?
Mr. Bully: As a lawyer, a trusted member of the American Bar Association, a man who has sworn to uphold the cannons of ethics...
George: You wanna see justice done.
Mr. Bully: No. I want my 5 G's back.
Captain Greco: What a scam. And it's mathematically based, too.
George: Well, I guess math can be used for evil as well as for good, skipper.
Captain Greco: You have a real way with a phrase, Frankly.
Sergeant Abruzzi: You know what? I betcha you guys are the mathematicians from La-La Land. Am I right about this or what?
Kate: L.A.? Right. I'm Kate Monday. This is my partner, George.
Kate and George: (flash their badges) Mathnet.
Sergeant Abruzzi: (stands up and points to his badge) Sergeant Abruzzi, NYPD.
(Captain Joe Greco arrives)
Captain Greco: I'm Captain Greco. But you're gonna have to take my word for it. My badge is in my jacket.
Swami: You and me, we sweat and strain.
Bodies all aching, and wracked with pain.
Benny: I'm off to the Garden.
George: Madison Square Garden? What's goin' on?
Benny: Hoops! Basketball. Knicks vs. the Lakers.
George: The Lakers will kill 'em.
Benny: Get outta here. We'll undress those L.A. yokels. They'll be lucky to get outta town with their socks.
Benny: (enters the office) Oh! Sorry. I was looking for two cops from L.A. Didn't mean to trouble you.
Kate: No trouble.
Benny: Excuse me.
George: Hold on! We're two cops from L.A.
Benny: Get outta here! C'mon. You guys can't be from L.A.
Kate: Why not?
Benny: No... shades.
George: Not everyone in L.A. wears dark glasses.
Benny: Since when?
Kate: We're two cops. Actually, we're two mathematicians from L.A. So what?
Benny: Really? Beautiful! I'm Benny. Benny Pill. I hack.
Kate: You what?
George: He drives a cab.
Benny: You sure you're from L.A.?
George: I would like to put forth a prediction.
Swami: Go ahead.
George: I predict you're about to leave town.
Swami: You're exactly right.
Kate: Let me ask you a question, Mr. Swami River. Why do you seek retired lawyers to pull your scam on?
Swami: Retired lawyers have got money, and they're gullible.
George: We thought so.
Swami: Now, I hope you'll excuse me, but I'm gonna hafta leave.
(just as the Swami is about to escape with Miss Elmira's money...)
Kate: Not so fast, Swami, my dear old Swami. (she and George flash their badges) You're under arrest!
Swami: No, I'm not! I was under arrest once. (extracts his gun) And I hated it. Get over there! Both of ya!
(he corners George and Kate in front of the fireplace)
George: (in his feminine voice) This is no... (normally) ...way to treat a lady!
Swami: You're right, but then, you're no lady.
(he pulls off George's wig)
Kate: He's got you there, George.
(George is wearing one of Miss Elmira's dresses)
George: Kate, I feel ridiculous.
Kate: You look adorable.
George: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot.
Kate: Joe Namath wore pantyhose underneath his uniform to keep warm, you know.
George: Yes, but under a football suit. Not under a dress!
(Benny points his gun at the Swami before he can escape)
Benny: All right, Swami! Drop the gun!
Swami: (drops his gun) Rats! The jig is up!
(Benny slaps the cuffs on him)
Kate: Benny, you're not supposed to have a gun.
Benny: (flashes his badge) Benjamin Pill, NYPD. Undercover.
(George and Kate are surprised)
Kate: Benny, you're a cop?
Benny: Yeah. I hope this doesn't mean you're gonna take me off your Christmas card list.
George and Kate: Nope.
Benny: Good. And don't forget, the cab meter's still running.
George: Well, what's it up to now?
Benny: About 7,000 and change. C'mon, Swami.
Swami: I should've known. Get a little drunk with power,...
Benny and the Swami: And you land in jail!
Miss Elmira: (after the Swami's capture) All I can say is thank you!
Kate: It was our pleasure, Miss Elmira.
Miss Elmira: And, young man?
George: Yes, ma'am?
Miss Elmira: You can keep the dress. You look smashing in it!
Debuts: Captain Joe Greco, Sergeant M. Abruzzi, and Officer Benny Pill.
A preview of this story aired 1/8/90 in a one hour primetime special, the five segments separated by Square One TV commercial parodies. It was offered as a chance for parents to check out the new season's PBS children's programing.
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