Bart Maverick thinks he's finally hit the jackpot when he wins a bank in a poker game, and his buddy Doc Holiday is brimming with schemes to "legally" make them both filthy rich. Unfortunately,the bank turns out to have a serious dark side and people are beginning to ask questions.moreless
Discontinuity: Although billed as Blackjack Hardy in the end credits, Frank DeKova's character is referred to as Blackjack Carney throughout the entire episode.
Pappyism: Money is always there, only the pockets change.
Bart (about Major Sims): His money was going so fast it didn't even have time to say goodbye to him.
Maj. Sims: If I quit now, I'd always wonder if my luck would've changed.
Bart: Well, knowing when to quit is one of the most important parts of the game.
Maj. Sims: What do professionals do when they hit a losing streak?
Bart: Well, some cut their throats. If that doesn't work, they ask for a new deck and a change of scene.
Maj. Sims: What kind of a gambler are you?
Bart (fans his stack of bills): I would say a very rich one.
Ferguson: What can I do for you, doctor?
Holliday: Uh, a room with a private bath, please.
Ferguson: You want a private bath, just remember to lock the door.
(Ferguson laughs, Doc Holiday does not)
Holliday: One thing to be said about bad jokes, they drive me to drink.
Bart: Pappy always said I'd wind up owning a bank, or was it robbing a bank. I wish I could remember because Pappy's predictions had an embarrassing way of coming true.
Sheriff: Gentlemen, no gambling in the streets. You know the law, George – gonna gamble, go inside somewhere.
Deputy George: Gee, Sheriff …
Sheriff: Get off the street, all of you. Oh, George, use my office if you like.
Penelope: Well, if there's, uh, anything I can do to help you get settled here, you just have your wife call on me.
Bart: Well, I will as soon as I find a wife. In the meantime, is there anything else you'd like to know?
Penelope: Oh, if there is something I'd like to know, it might be more fun to find out for myself.
Miss Hennessey: No need to be so shy, dear. There's nothing wrong in advertising in a matrimonial journal, is there, Mr. Maverick?
Bart: Oh, no. No, but of course with so much to sell, there's very little need for advertising.
Penelope: You ever seen the men in this town?
Holliday: There comes a time in every man's life when he must decide to grow up, to use his head. Do you understand me?
Holly: Sure, honey.
Holliday: So he starts thinking and thinking, and what happens? Nothing, absolutely nothing. He thinks all the joys of life right out of his existence. Do you follow me?
Holly: I know just what you mean, honey.
Holliday: Then remember this : the mind can think all sorts of things, but it can't think not to think. It's the trap of maturity.
Holliday: Well, stick around, I'm about to get married.
Bart: Hey, that's good … What? Did … did you say getting married, legally?
Holliday: Yes. Legally, licensed, minister, church, bridesmaids, rice and old shoes. Did I leave anything out?
Bart: Yeah, just the one thing that I thought it would always take to get you to the alter - the shotgun.
Bart: Hey, Doc, why don't you make the young lady happy and … stay single?
Holliday: Have you ever heard the "Wedding March," Bart?
Bart: Oh, many times, but always from a safe distance.
Holliday: Well, I think it's beautiful, especially when it's accompanied by the tinkling of a cash box.
Holliday: You know, I don't believe in the old-fashioned adage that a woman's place is in the home. My future wife will be surrounded by nice, clean, newly-minted money. I know what happiness really is. Would you care to be my best man?
Bart: Stand around and watch you sell yourself, uh-uh.
Holliday: Well think of it as I do - think of it as a dowry instead of an outright sale. You know, marrying into a bank is like acquiring an annuity.
Bart: Say, Doc, how do you expect to get your fingers on the money?
Holliday: Oh, well, I'll juggle the books or the young lady, whichever is easiest.
Bart: I don't want any part of your get rich quick schemes.
Holliday: Now do you have a private office in this bank of yours?
Bart: I naturally do.
Holliday: Well, supposing we go over and talk it over - or are you afraid to show it to me?
Bart: 'Course I'm not afraid, I'm scared to death.
Holliday: Yeah … Don't you realize what you have here? Don't you realize what owning a bank can mean?
Bart: It means living a clean, decent life, being respected and having honest people look up to me. And besides, I like the hours.
Holliday: Well, you can't do business with an honest person. As a matter of fact, you will never get anywhere yourself until you get rid of that fatal, stultifying taint of honesty.
Bart: Come off it, Doc. Why can't I be respectable?
Holliday: There is nothing worse than a reformed bum!
Holliday (Doc discovers Bart has been lying): You low, conniving Judas, it would take an earthquake to make me leave now.
Bart: Miss Baxter, Doctor Holliday's a friend of mine. And where women are concerned, he's amoral, dishonest, unprincipled and conniving. And as long as you work for me, my responsibility is towards you.
Penelope: Oh, well … well, I thank you very much for warning me, Mr. Maverick.
Bart: Perfectly all right. Monday?
Holliday: And thank you, Mr. Maverick, for that wonderful recommendation. Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for her to reform me.
Holliday: Seems there's gonna be a run on the bank. I wonder if our saintly friend knows that his halo is about to become a noose?
Penelope: What about Church, you promised you'd go with me?
Holliday: I'll meet you later. I'm going to love saying 'I told you so.'
Holliday: I told you so. I told you so. You can't do business with an honest man.
Bart: You are a big help.
Holliday: When did you figure out your loss?
Bart: This morning. There's $20,000 missing!
Holliday: Why do you think I sent you that champagne?
Bart: Well, that's just fine. Now if there happens to be a run on the bank Monday morning, and I don't happen to have enough cash to cover it - well, they're gonna think I stole it! I could go to jail.
Maj. Sims: Not if you run for it.
Bart (scoffs): If I run for it? Major Sims, what do you think would happen if I went to the Sheriff and told him the truth?
Major Sims: Professional gambler tricked into winning a bank?
Holliday: The truth is ridiculous.
Major Sims: Wasn't easy to lose, I kept getting perfect hands. Be smart, Mr. Maverick. Take the five thousand you won in cash and get away before you're lynched.
Bart: The Major was right, I better get out while the getting's good.
Holliday (sees the Sheriff on guard): The getting's not good!
Bart: I'm open for suggestions.
Holliday: Do they have to be honest?
Bart: Well …
Holliday: I can get you out of this mess providing I can use the facilities of this bank in the manner they should be used. It-it'll legal. Not honest, but legal.
Bart: What would you say if I were to tell you that we're $20,000 short and Major Sims doesn't know where the money is?
Miss Hennessey: Well, if it's my $20,000, I'd say he didn't know where to look.
Bart: You're twe … what'd you say?
Miss Hennessey: You ought to have a physical check-up, Mr. Maverick; first you can't see what I'm doing, now you can't hear me.
Bart (whispers): Miss Hennessey, is the money still in the bank? (she nods yes) Well then, why can't I find it?
Miss Hennessey: Did you know you could worry yourself into bad health?
Maj. Sims: You're paying away 25% interest? That's illegal.
Holliday: If it's not repaid in time, that's suicide.
Bart: Where'd ya get the money, Doc?
Holliday: Now, uh, what type of man would you say carries that much cash around with him with no place to put it?
Maj. Sims: Haven't the vaguest.
Bart: Forget it, Mr. Sims. Answer my question!
Holliday: Well, I used your stock, uh, to persuade Blackjack Hardy and his kid brother, The Durango Kid, and Denver Slade to partake in a semi-legitimate investment.
Maj. Sims: Good day, gentleman.
Holliday: You declared yourself in, Major, and you're in - or I shall persuade Durango Kid to say that you planned every bank job he's ever done.
Bart: Blackjack Hardy, Durango Kid and Denver Slade, the three worst thieving murderers this side of Dodge City and they're also my partners?
Holliday: Oh, and don't forget Blackjack's kid brother, Little Sonny, he's in too.
Maj. Sims (stunned disbelief): Little Sonny.
Bart: But how could you do it, Doc?
Holliday: To save your hide, chum.
Bart: For what - a rope?
Bart: My idea was a natural, based on simple larceny. It gave the illusion that everyone could win and no-one could lose. If you say "But any smart man knows he can't get something for nothing", my answer is "How many smart men do you meet in your life?"
Holliday: Gather 'round, folks.
Bart (voiceover): It was like shooting big fish in a small barrel. Overnight, Gold Brick Trading Stamps became a mania. It was like gold fever, people couldn't wait to bring us their hard-earned money so they could get stamps and trade them in for premiums a junkman wouldn't touch.
Townsman: There, Sheriff, they-they stopped me, took my rifle and all the money in the house and then they run off with my horse.
Wife: Oh, never mind that. They took three books of my Gold Brick Stamps, three books! Well, don't just stand there, go find them!
Holliday: Who said women had the corner on the world's stupidity?
Blackjack: Ma wanted one of us to get educated, so he got stuck with it, bein' the youngest. Uh, Sonny, what was the name of that place you went to?
Blackjack: Yeah, that's it. Uh, now they know how to pull a stickup. Cost me all kinds'a extree's. That college robbed me blind.
(Blackjack and his gang have "voted" themselves onto the bank's board)
Blackjack: Let's put it to a vote! (Bart raises his hand)
Holliday: Uh, you're voting to rob your own bank.
Bart: I've had enough respectability to last me a lifetime, Doc.
Bart: Somebody just robbed the bank! The posse's out looking for 'em now.
Sonny: Well, let's go after them. (Blackjack restrains Sonny) It's our bank!
Blackjack: I don't know what they taught you at Yale, but if we go anywhere's near the posse, they'll shoot us dead before we open our mouths.
Sonny: But it's our bank!
Blackjack (from jail): It's gettin' so an honest crook can't make a decent livin' no more. That's progress for ya.
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