Pappyism: A man should stick to what he knows.
Bart: Marla, I hope you fully realize that, uh, Pearly Gates got that nickname from a phony tie pin he wears, not from his chances of ever meeting Saint Peter.
Bart (Bart's horse loses): Happy Honeymoon didn't just finish last, he was so far behind he wouldn't even have won the next race. But then I stopped worrying about Happy Honeymoon and started worrying about friend Gates. The horse was at least still on the premises, Gates was nowhere in sight.
Bart: Oh, Marla, it's my five thousand, what're you crying about?
Marla: We were gonna be married after the last race.
Bart: Well, it's a cinch we won't find him waiting at the church. And since I'm a sucker for long shots, let's try to find him at his hotel.
Bart: Dade City - a little horsefly on the big rump of Texas. But, according to Pearly Gates, the home of the best poker game west of Dodge City.
Bart: Well, it's been a real education losing to you. Four kings and each one of 'em marked with this. Here, see for yourself (shows a marked card to other gambler), you can feel the impression.
Harper: That ring is an heirloom. It's been in the family three generations.
Bart: That only proves, Mr. Harper, that your grandfather was as crooked as you.
Bart: Looking at that poster and Sheriff Clark's beady little eyes, I suddenly saw a faint glimmer of hope. Diamond Mike was my passkey to freedom and Sheriff Clark's greed was the hand that would turn the key. It only remained for me to propose the deal and for him to insist on a piece of the action.
Sheriff Clark: I'll pick him up myself.
Bart: Well, not from that poster you won't.
Sheriff Clark: That's him, ain't it?
Bart: Oh, yeah, that's him, but even his mother wouldn't recognize him from that. Besides he shaved that thing off a long time ago, and he's got more alias' than you've got fingers.
Sheriff Clark (laughs): You know what I'm gonna do?
Bart: Yeah, I know what you're gonna do. You're gonna make an exception in my case.
Sheriff Clark: You got a sense of humor, Maverick, maybe that's what I like about you.
Bart: Well, for a minute there, Sheriff, I, uh, thought it was the $10,000.
Sheriff Clark: You don't think I'm a hog? Let's say, uh, three thousand?
Bart: Well, let's say two thousand, since I'm gonna take all the risk
Sheriff Clark (laughs): I always was a soft touch.
(the Sheriff hands Bart a thousand dollar "advance")
Bart: What'd ya know! My own thousand dollars, still has pin holes in it! You know, Sheriff, it's funny, but, uh, those friends of yours took me for $4,000 - all you got was a thousand dollars of it. Seems to me you ought to be in for a bigger split.
Sheriff Clark: That's what I keep tellin' those … All right, Maverick, now you got your money. You get out and keep your eye open. You better not let him get away!
Bart: Don't give it another thought, Sheriff, I haven't lost a man yet.
Harper: It's a deal, then?
Bart: Uh, let's just say you talked me into it.
Harper: Remember, three for one.
Bart: When the Sheriff gets his, you will get yours.
Sheriff: Pearly Gates, expert on track odds - Honest Hank Mahoney, confidential investigator - William Prentice III, mining claims specialist. Son, you've got more aliases than a gopher's got holes.
Pearly: Well, naturally, I'm a professional gambler. In my business they're necessary … quite often.
Sheriff: You save your breath. Most folks can prove who they are, you can't prove who you're not.
Pearly: All right, Bart, now you've had your little joke. Now, just go on over there and tell the Sheriff who I really am, and then we'll both walk outta here and we be good friends.
Bart: What about my $5,000?
Pearly: Well, uh, only five hundred left. Sheriff's got that.
Bart: Tsk-tsk-tsk. You have been a bad boy.
Pearly: I promise you, once I'm out of here, I'll-I'll cheat day and night for you, pay you back. Boy, I tell you these prison bars have a very depressin' effect on my nervous system.
Bart: Think of the bright side, Pearly.
Pearly: There is no bright side, I tell you
Bart: You've got to …
Pearly: Come and sit … Me? Now after the Sheriff and his friends discover they're out $10,000, they liable to take it out on me.
Bart: Oh, I admit they'll be a little upset.
Bart: But, after a while, they'll get over it.
Pearly: Well, suppose I don't?
Bart: That's exactly the way I felt about you in New Orleans.
Marla: Well, I'd be willin' to forget that, uh, Gates isn't that Diamond Mike character for just half of the $4,000 you're carryin' around.
Bart: Well, now, what makes you think I been carrying around $4,000?
Marla: Because I've already searched your room, darlin'.
Bart: Oh. Well, Marla, as far as I'm concerned, you can, uh, just forget that southern-fried accent because blackmail is one word you just can't sweeten.
Bart: I thought I was dealing with the three little pigs, but these little pigs were turning into three hungry wolves. Since I'm very fond of staying alive, I couldn't tell 'em that Gates wasn't Diamond Mike. And since I didn't want Gates life on my hands, I couldn't leave town either. For a man who prefers to play the odds, they were getting extremely close.
Bart: That poker game looked like it had been going on since Billy the Kid was in rompers.
Bart: You know, if I didn't know you better, I'd swear you were tryin' to get rid of that idiot Sheriff to get me outta here.
Pearly: Alright, Pearly, out!
Bart: Bart! Old friend. You know, deep down, I knew you had a spark of decency left. I did.
Pearly: Well, I didn't do this for you. You see, if they killed you because of me I'm just liable to lose a coupla night's sleep.
Bart: He tied me up to that door and then slugged me over the head with a gun.
Sheriff Clark: Where did he get a gun?
Bart: He said he got it from some woman that visited him today.
Sheriff Clark: That woman? Looked so innocent. That's what I get for trustin' people.
Bart: Can't be too careful these days, Sheriff.
Pearly: You sure you know what you're doin'?
Bart: If I did I wouldn't be here right now, would I, Pearly?
Pearly: Ah, since it was my testimony, more or less, that resulted in your final acquittal, why I think it's only fair and proper that you share your $2,000 with me.
Bart: Well, you get on your way, Gates, 'cause that money's in a place where you'll never get your manicured hands on it
Pearly: You mean you really put it in the bank?
Bart: Naturally. Kinda company I keep, a bank vault is my best friend.