Marshal Mort Dooley
Kenneth P. Badger
Dooley (narration): This is Boot Hill, Ellwood, Kansas. It's a nice place to visit. I like to come up here sometimes … to think and maybe get ahead a grave or two.
Hawkins: No books! Too much education 'as been the death of me already. Me sainted mother, when I was a lad, she used to say to me father, "Your Grace," she said, him bein' a Duke, "nothing but the cream, for little Freddy," meanin' me, and so it was, tutors and governesses, public schools and Oxford, and for what? Gentle birth and schoolin' don't mean nothin' in this wicked world no more.
Bret: I wish we had time to hear the whole story.
Bret: Before you let me find out that you're the rightful King of France, let me tell you, I know you, Hawkins. I saw you in San Francisco two years ago, you and the Denver Kid. You were workin' the smack.
Hawkins: Why, so we were!
Bret: Well, what're ya workin' now?
Hawkins: Lookin' for the end of the rainbow, same as you. It is a lot of money, you know.
Bret: There's been a lot of people lookin' for it, too.
Hawkins: Oh, we're not like them, Jack-o. We practically got a map, we have. All we have to do is pump it outta Jethro.
Hawkins: Come now, Maverick, you could trust old Freddy, all the bloomin' way.
Bret: Well, I don't have to trust you, Freddy. If you double cross me just the teeniest little bit, I'll publish McIlhenny's letter in that paper. I'll have everybody in Elwood, Kansas looking for that gold.
Hawkins: Of course you would, bless your heart. I'd do the same meself.
Dooley: Now, it's my policy to allow a dog or a durn fool one mistake. Whichever category you are, Maverick, you've had yours.
Bret: Thank you, Marshall.
Dooley: When I put you on the stage this time, I want you to stay on. If you come creepin' back into Ellwood, Kansas, it's gonna be you and me, boy.
Hawkins: That's it for me, laddy. I can't dig no more.
Badger: We shouldn't stop now. I'm … fine.
Hawkins: You look like a piece of chewed string.
(looking at the dug-up street)
Dooley: Kids in this town are getting' meaner every day. It's you parents fault for not takin' a stick to 'em.
(Dooley punches Maverick and pulls a gun on him)
Bret: Well, you're not gonna shoot me!
Dooley: That's what I usually do. I haven't done it to you, 'cause you're kinda pitiful. I'm gonna give you one more chance, and then I'm gonna shoot ya.
Doc: 'Course he could get off at the edge of Elwood when the train stops to take on water.
Dooley: He wouldn't dare. He's not that stupid.
Doc: Yeah, you been mighty patient with that boy, Mort. How many men you shot this month for aggravatin' you a lot less than he has,
Dooley (counts on his fingers) : Eleven. We're sure gettin' some strange breeds in Elwood lately.
(Dooley gets a telegram)
Doc: Aw, go on, open it. It don't have to mean a death in the family.
Barfly: That's the way with all of you people, make a lot of money on the customer when he's got it, and nothing but loud talk and abuse when he's a little low.
Bret: You believe in Santa Clause?
Barfly (snorts): Why, I sure do.
Bret: Well, you just, uh, sneak out this front door 'bout a minute after I do. I think I just heard sleigh bells.
(Dooley catches Maverick and fires at him, missing six times)
Dooley: Go ahead, use your gun, Maverick.
Bret: Heck, Marshall, what's the point of that? I'm just as far out of range as you are.
(Maverick is digging for the "gold")
Hawkins: Had to happen sometime, I was beginning to think, though, we was on the everlasting staircase!
Bret: Where did you come from?
Hawkins: Faith brought us, Maverick. I and Mr. Badger here's had faith in you all the bloomin' way.
Bret: I'm gonna break down and cry.
Hawkins: What kept ya so blinkin' long?
Bret: Oh, I had to do my little bit for law and order in the west. I thought he never would come outta that office.
Hawkins: You'll never get nowheres in this cold, cruel world. Too sentimental, you are.
Clyde: Mr. Dooley! Mr. Dooley, there's a professional gamblin' man over at the Weepin' Willer Saloon.
Dooley: How do you know he's a professional gambler, Clyde?
Clyde: He's a wearin' a clean white shirt, and a black necktie … and he's a winnin', Mr. Dooley.
Amy (to Dooley): Mort, be careful.
On Saturday June 11, 2005 TV Land chose this episode to represent Maverick during its Warner Bros 50th Anniversary Marathon, celebrating the 50th anniversary of the movie studio's TV division.
This episode is a parody of another classic Western, Gunsmoke.
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