Is Bart dreaming or is a leprechaun really offering to grant him five wishes? When the first wish goes awry, Bart's suspicions redouble and, as usual, things run downhill from there.
Terrance E. Rafferty
Pappyism: Beware of regular employment, it just leads to clean living.
Bart: Bonnie, it looks like you and I are gonna have a very inexpensive date tonight.
Bonnie: It looks like we have no date at all.
Bart: Because I'm broke?
Bonnie: Can you think of a better reason?
Rafferty: Hey, a lovely lass, that.
Rafferty: It 'tis a pity she's so dishonest.
Bart: Bonnie's dishonest?
Rafferty: All the time you were playin', she was lookin' at your cards over your shoulder and signalin' the … the house dealer.
Rafferty: Terrance Rafferty, formally of the Emerald Isle, and-and presently the second assistant production chief for the railroad construction gang - and, someday, the potato king of the new world.
Bart: Well. nice to meet you Mr. Rafferty. My name's Bart Maverick - past, present and future chump.
Bartender: What'll it be.
Rafferty: Uh, it will be no such thing. Sarsaparilla for me friend
Bartender: How about you?
Rafferty: Uh, I'll have the whiskey, a double.
Bart: But, you …
Rafferty: Uh, temperance is-is the greatest of virtues, eh, but in - but in my case there are extenuating circumstances.
Rafferty: Meddling old goat, am I? Eh, take care of that for me, Mr. Maverick, will ya? (hands Bart bottle of "magic" dirt)
Bart: Mr. Rafferty, you said yourself, it's a foolish man who, uh, let's his temper get the best of him.
Rafferty: But in my case there are extenuating circumstances.
(Timmy finds Bart lying in the street)
Timmy: Mr. Maverick, Mr. Maverick?
Bart (moans in pain): Oh, Timmy, how did I get out here?
Timmy: Well, after that fight was over, the bartender tossed out all the unclaimed bodies.
Bart: Who's Mr. Muldoon?
Mr. Muldoon: Sure it 'tis himself. Mr. Muldoon always refers to himself in the third party so he mention his own fabulous talent without the appearance of conceit.
Mr. Muldoon: Have ya never heard mention of the word leprechaun?
Timmy: I have. Mr. Rafferty says they're magic people that live in Ireland.
Mr. Muldoon: Hah-hah! Now there's a bright lad! And for freein' Mr. Muldoon, he's grantin' ya five wishes!
Timmy: Five? I thought it was only supposed to be three.
Mr. Muldoon: Three? Sure, any average leprechaun can grant ya three. Mr. Muldoon is a little more generous than that. 'Tis five wishes, Maverick. Think of it! Five! What'll it be?
Bart: Mr. Muldoon, I think you better find a nice place and sleep it off.
Mr. Muldoon: Oh, Mr. Muldoon never touches a drop.
Bart: In that case, I'd better find some nice place and sleep it off.
Timmy: Wow! There must be a million dollars in here!
Mr. Muldoon: $22,409 to be exact! Or did ya ask for 509? Mr. Muldoon's memory is not like it used to be 400 years ago.
Timmy: Well, aren't ya gonna count it, Mr. Maverick?
Timmy: Why not?
Bart: This is a dream, Timmy; and I refuse to make a fool of myself even in a dream.
Timmy: Well, maybe this money belongs to somebody and we ought to give it to the Sheriff.
Mr. Muldoon: Mr. Muldoon has performed his duty with characteristic dispatch and efficiency. What you do with the money now is up to you.
Bart: I'm gonna hold on to it myself for a while.
Timmy: Well, maybe that's not honest.
Bart: Now, Timmy, this is a dream. This money really doesn't exist.
Timmy: Well then, why don't you give it to the Sheriff?
Bart: This is my dream and I'll run it as I see fit. Goodnight, all.
Bart: Oh, it's a fine leprechaun I get lashed up with. I doubt you can even do card tricks.
Mr. Muldoon: Well, ya still have the money, haven't ya?
Rafferty: You're a lucky man, you are, Maverick.
Bart: Oh, real lucky. It isn't everybody who gets to be shot at before breakfast.
Rafferty: Well, it 'twill be a different story when you settle down to family life. You know, there's nothing like a hearth and a home and a fine plump wife performing gastronomic miracles of a kitchen stove.
Bart: I'm sure you and Mrs. Rafferty are very happy, sir.
Rafferty: I'm a bachelor, lad.
Rafferty: In my case there were extenuating circumstances. But I've got the very girl in mind for you, Maverick. My niece, Katy.
Mr. Muldoon: Will you take the advice of an older and wiser head than yours and tell the Sheriff about your suspicions of Simon Girty!
Bart: eh, Sheriff?
Bart: Sheriff, you know, it's entirely possible that Simon Girty found out that Rafferty had that valise and then …
Sheriff: Hold on, now! What's Simon Girty got to do with this?
Bart: Sheriff, I think that Simon Girty was in on that original hold-up.
Sheriff: Nonsense, Cousin Simon wouldn't do nothing like that.
Bart: He's your cousin?
Bart: Mr. Muldoon, do you have any more helpful suggestions?
Mr. Muldoon: I have never seen the likes of ya, Maverick, for a man that's worryin' and frettin' all the time. Sure 'tis an everlastin' wonder ya haven't dropped dead from old age by this time.
Bart: Say, Sheriff, could I have my gun back, please?
Sheriff: I ain't even gonna answer that question. But if you so much as think about leavin' this town you're gonna be back in that jail cell so fast it'll make your head spin.
Bart: That's very clearly put.
Bart: Bonnie. Tell me, darlin', why did you bail me out?
Bonnie: Well, can't a girl do a favor for a friend?
Bart: Well sure, but of course some girls might want something in return.
Mr. Muldoon: Oh, pay him no mind. I've never seen such a man for lookin' a gift horse in the mouth. Not to imply that you're a gift horse, my …
Bart: Muldoon. How would you like me to wish that you permanently lose your power of speech?
Mr. Muldoon: Well, perhaps you should use one of your wishes now to resolve this unfortunate situation.
Bart: Muldoon, every time I use one a my wishes I seem to end up worse off than I was before.
Mr. Muldoon: How could you possibly be any worse off then you are right now?
Bart: I don't know. But if anyone could manage it, you can.
Rafferty: Your third wish is to be for a potato farm. We'll-we'll work it together - all three of us.
Rafferty: Oh, it'll be a bit hard on ya - in the beginning - with all that digging. But in a little while your hands will cease to bleed and bruise, and-and-and you'll learn to love the art of farming.
Bart: Bleed and bruise!?
Rafferty: Oh, but it's to be worth it, because at night you'll have Katy to come home to. No more a that foolish roistering in-in-in saloons and-and gambling halls.
Bart: Mr. Rafferty, I like to roister.
Rafferty: Oh, I-I wouldn't let Katy hear you say that, if I were you. You know once, she took two strong men who'd had a drop too much to drink and clapped their heads together l-like cymbals. Both parties have worn a pledge button ever since.
This is the only appearance Charles Lane ever makes on Maverick. The venerable character actor's role is brief, but as always, crisp, humorous and well-played.
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