Bart Maverick once again gets pulled into one of Modesty Blaine's schemes. But this time, other schemers have other plans and they all unfold on a missing train which could well be Bart's last ride.
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Diamond Jim Brady
Modesty Blaine is being played in this episode by actress Kathleen Crowley, where previously the part had been played by Mona Freeman.
Pappyism: Any man who needs to make out a will just isn't spending his money properly.
Bart: Oh, come now Modesty, you know you're not gonna marry that fella. You can't. He's nothing but a shriveled up, little old …
Bart: Yeah. Uh, no! Yeah, well, what I mean, what if he is - still not enough reason to marry him.
Modesty: Bart, you know there's never been anyone else in my life but you.
Bart: Now, Modesty, that…
Modesty: And all I ever wanted was just a little money, so we could be happy.
Bart: How much is a little money?
Modesty: Oh, a hundred…thousand…dollars. Bart: A hundred…Now whatever you're gonna say, I don't wanna hear a word about it.
Modesty: But it'll be easy, I have a plan.
Bart: Modesty, every time you have a plan I always end up in trouble.
Bart: I thought you were a friend of mine?
Holliday: I thought so too until you ran out on me in Wichita.
Bart: Now, Doc, I couldn't help that and you know it. Why I can even give you back the money we lost, right now.
Holliday: Too late! I've had to get myself a job.
( Hoad begins dragging Bart away)
Bart: Doc, help me.
Holliday: All right, I'll help you. I could be a character witness for you.
Bart: Oh, fine! That'll just get me tarred and feathered!
Brady: Oh, I'm sure Mr. Sprague will understand. Uh, we've been friendly competitors for years.
Sprague: No such thing as friendship in business. And you won't feel very friendly either when this idiotic test of yours fails!
Brady: I don't think it will fail.
Sprague: You haven't got a chance … and I'll back that with money!
Skinner: I didn't know you were a bettin' man?
Sprague: Sure thing is no gamble.
Skinner (about Bart): Ah, he doesn't look like a criminal type. Weak-features, perhaps, but certainly not a bad lookin' fella.
Skinner: If he's not out of this state by midnight, you may take your three weeks pay out of his hide! Then bring him back … and I'll give him about a year to recover - in jail!
Bart: In jail? For what?
Skinner: Oh, I'll think of something.
Bart: Mr. Skinner, you can't do this to me. I'm gonna see the Governor hears about this.
Skinner: Be sure to say hello for me. He's my brother.
Holliday: Relax, Sprague, and join me in a little toast to underhandedness, the delay of progress and man's inhumanity to man.
Sprague: I never allow whiskey to interfere with business.
Holliday: You call this dirty little scheme of yours business?
Sprague: Now see here, Holliday, you were perfectly willing to take my money.
Holliday: I happened to need it.
Sprague: What I'm interested in is how you intend to earn your pay.
Holliday: The train will be delayed!
Holliday: How it's done will be my business.
Holliday: If Bart Maverick wants to play poker, he shall play poker.
Hoad: Look, buster, I'm the deputy on this railroad, so don't get gay.
Holliday: Well, I'm not particularly known for my gaiety, and I say he shall play poker.
Hoad: You wanna bet?
Brady: If you do, I'll take some of the action. Unless I've mistaken my man, you are Doc Holliday?
Bart: Uh, the one and only.
Sprague: Holliday, you better get things fixed - a lot depends on it.
Holliday: If it'll take a load off of your rather insignificant little mind, I should tell you that I've arranged to delay the train for at least five hours.
Sprague: There's no need to be rude.
Holliday: A very bad habit of mine, but you can help me overcome it … by keeping your revolting person out of my sight.
Brady: I think this hand is, uh, worth a friendly bet, uh, five hundred?
Bart: Did you say friendly?
Brady: Ah, come on Bart, you can't take it with you.
Bart: Well, my only problem is, Jim, to, uh, make it stretch till I go. Call.
Holliday: I think I'll go back to drinking.
Brady: What happened … (sees gun) uh, gentlemen?
Gunman: Get back inside, fatso.
Radcliffe: My rather crude friend means that if you don't return to the seat in your coach immediately, he will be obliged to shoot you.
Radcliffe: Uh, your gun, please. We don't want the others to become suspicious.
Holliday: I'll put it inside my coat.
Radcliffe (Doc grabs gun before him): Please, Mr. Holliday.
Holliday: Offhand, I'd say I could draw and fire three shots through your liver before you fired once, Mr. Radcliffe.
Radcliffe (scoffs): You always were one for violence, weren't you, Doctor?
Radcliffe: You see, I'm rather well-known myself, in a different line, of course - Justin Radcliffe. You know the name?
Brady: I've heard of it, uh, didn't know you were out of prison.
Radcliffe: I was restored to society quite recently
Bart: Mr. Radcliffe, don't you like it on the outside - or are you looking for a nice, quiet cell to write another book?
Brady: You could derail the baggage car … crack the safe at your leisure.
Radcliffe: You simply don't understand, do you, Mr. Brady. No one understood. They all laughed at my theories - said they'd never work! So, I decided to show them. I vowed that when I was released, I'd commit a crime of such magnitude, of such daring, as to remove all doubt from the minds … of those philistines! And so I have. I have stolen a train - a whole train! It's mine … until I finish with it.
Radcliffe: Now! If you will excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, business calls.
Brady: You may find that safe a little tough to open.
Radcliffe: You should've read my book, Mr. Brady, I am also the world's greatest safecracker.
Holliday: He must do something about that inferiority complex.
Bart: Hey, matter of fact, I think my old Pappy used to sell stock in that mine.
Brady: Your Pappy sold stock in a real mine? (laughs) Oh, Bart, you know perfectly well he never did a honest day's work in his life.
Bart: Now, Jim, he sold that stock after the vein petered out.
Brady: Oh, that's better. For a minute there you nearly shook my faith in him. Mm-m-m, I wish he were here now - a wonderful man, your Pappy, with his devious, conniving ways. He'd figure out something to get us outta this.
Bart: You know, he might at that. 'Course, he'd stick you pretty good for it.
Brady: Naturally. But I'd gladly pay ten thousand dollars for the privilege.
Bart: Say, Jim, like father, like son … (clears throat) does that … offer hold true for me?
Bart: It's not that I, um, I'm suspicious of you being subversive, Doc, but is that a gun underneath your coat? (Doc looks uncomfortable) Why'd you do it?
Holliday: I had no idea that you were going to be on this train - and I wish you'd stop going around getting yourself into trouble.
Bart: Getting myself into trouble?
Holliday: Getting involved with some innocent young girl.
Bart: Doc, I don't wanna disillusion you about that sweet, innocent girl, but she's got more larceny in her little finger than you got in your whole body. (Doc laughs) It's because of her that Hoad's out to kill me. And if he's not successful, Radcliffe will finish the job.
Holliday: Well, why Radcliffe?
Bart: She got to the safe before him. (Doc laughs) She got the money, but she planted it on me.
Holliday (looking at Modesty): Pretty little thing.
Bart: Yeah, like a female panther.
Holliday (laughing): I'd love to see Radcliffe's face when he opens that safe!
Radcliffe: Well, Mr. Maverick, perhaps you can help me. I seem to have lost a bit of money.
Bart: Did you look in all your pockets?
Radcliffe (laughs): That's a very good question. Yes, I did. Now let me ask you one : would you rather be poor and alive - or rich and dead?
Bart: Uh, which means that your job is completed, too, so I claim diplomatic immunity.
Hoad: Well, I guess you're right, there's only one thing - you won't be able to ride back with us, Bart.
Hoad: Well, I've got my orders.
Bart: Well, now, be reasonable, Hoad, it's a 15 mile walk to the nearest town.
Brady (chuckling): I'm afraid he's got you, Bart. Uh, you wouldn't want him to lose his job, would you?
Bart: Well, no, but I …
Brady: Oh, ah, here's that money I owe you. And, uh, say hello to your Pappy. Eh, tell him I congratulate him on the underhanded way he raised his son - the true Maverick tradition.
Title: One of Our Trains is Missing
The title references the 1942 British war film One of Our Planes is Missing, which tells the tale of six British airmen who are shot down in the Nazi-occupied Netherlands and are forced to escape the country with the aid of sympathetic Dutch citizens. The title has seen use in several other TV shows, including Lost in Space (One of Our Dogs is Missing) and Star Trek: The Animated Series (One of Our Planets is Missing).
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