Wealthy rancher Joe Wheelwright, putting the "cart" before the horse, forces Maverick to chaperon three women arriving from San Francisco to marry his "three fine sons"...Henry, Small Paul and Moose. However, the three "ladies" in question seem to have larceny on their minds, not romance.
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Lou Ann Smythe
If some of the characters seem just a little familiar in this episode, go back and watch Bonanza.
Braze: Well, it isn't very often that the Wheelwright's honor my den of iniquity, huh? (laughs)
Big Joe: We got business, let's skip the jokes. Don't like that fella. Can't trust a man with a sense of humor.
Small Paul: Have a drink.
Bart: No thanks.
Small Paul: But I bought it for you.
Bart: That whole bottle? Why?
Small Paul: Pa told me to.
Joe: Well, go ahead, Mr. Maverick, help yourself.
Bart: I never drink when I work.
Joe: Good for you, Mr. Maverick, I do admire a temperate man.
Joe: I thought you said he was a gentleman. What kind of a gentleman doesn't rescue a female in distress?
Sheriff: Oh, just give him time, is all.
Bar Girl: Somebody help!
Sheriff: Maverick, what do you aim to do about that bully?
Bar Girl: Stop that!
Bart: Since that bully's about 7 feet square, I aim to mind my own business, which is normally the care and feeding of poker pots.
Sheriff: As Sheriff of this town, I order you to rescue that female!
Bart: As Sheriff of this town, why don't ya do it yourself?
Sheriff: Well, we do things a little different around here.
Bart: You can say that again, Sheriff.
(after Moose knocks him out, Bart is carried to his bed)
Joe: I suppose you've been wondering what's been going on here, Mr. Maverick.
Bart: I have just one question. Are you people out of your minds?
Joe: You know, more and more, I've come to the conclusion that you are the man for us.
Bart: What are you talking about?
Joe: We've been testing you. Your honesty, temperance, gentility. And you have come through with flying colors.
Bart: Flying colors and a busted chin.
Joe: But of course you wanna work for us, we're the Wheelwrights.
Bart: The fact that you own practically all the state doesn't mean a thing to me.
Joe: Now, no need to haggle, Mr. Maverick. Where the happiness of my boys is concerned, expense don't mean a thing.
Bart: Eh! I've got all the money I need. I've been on a winning streak ever since I left Tombstone, and I'm superstitious enough to believe that moving around had something to do with it, so I been planning to leave your town on this afternoon's stage.
Joe: Now, don't be silly, boy. You can't let a foolish superstition stand in the way of the welfare of Henry, Small Paul and Moose.
Bart: Uh, Mr. Wheelwright, the welfare of Henry and Small Paul and particularly Moose couldn't mean less to me. So you better find yourself another boy for this job.
Joe: Now Mr. Maverick, where in this town are we going to find an honest, temperate gentleman who wears a clean shirt every day. Uh, be reasonable.
Bart: Say, how long has this loitering law been in effect, Sheriff?
Sheriff: I'd say about 20 minutes. Town Council just passed it.
Bart: Who's on the Council?
Sheriff: Uh, there are seven members : Mr. Wheelwright, his three sons, foreman of his ranch, his cousins and ..
Bart: That's far enough, Sheriff, I get the general picture.
Sheriff: Uh, come along then, Maverick, the Justice of the Peace is waiting.
Bart: I'd like to place a bet on just who the Justice of the Peace is.
Sheriff: You wouldn't have no takers, Maverick.
Joe: Now, are you going to do what I ask, or not?
Bart: Do I have a choice?
Joe: Joe Wheelwright don't believe in forcing a man against his will. Of course you have a choice. Either you take this job or you serve two years at hard labor. Now take your pick.
Joe: You come through for us, we'll return your fine money plus a nice bonus. You double-cross us and Moose there'll pound your skull into a powder.
Bart: Um, let's say we have a deal.
Bart: Well, that return stage doesn't leave until tomorrow, so what I'd better do is ask Ma Potter if she'' put you girls up for the night.
Emma: Oh, that won't be necessary, Mr. Maverick … We've decided to stay after all.
Emma: You can drive us out to the Wheelwright ranch, anytime you're ready.
Emma: You know, you really should do something about that hearing, Mr. Maverick.
Emma: Where are you going?
Bart: Just to get the bags out of the surrey..
Emma: That won't be necessary, Mr. Maverick.
Emma: We won't be staying long.
Emma: We're leaving, almost immediately.
Bart: Girls, if you ask me, you're just …
Emma: Which I haven't.
Bart: … building up a big pile of trouble, penitentiary trouble. Now you're just gonna succeed in making the Wheelwrights look foolish in the eyes of the rest of the community, and that is one thing they just can't abide. Uh, they'll find you if it takes the last nickel they own, and believe me, they own plenty of nickels.
Bart: Uh, why now, Joe Wheelwright promised me a very generous bonus if I did a good job with my chaperoning . Now, you're welcome to, uh, lets say a quarter of whatever he gives me.
Emma: A quarter of it apiece.
Bart: Well, now, I was thinking about a quarter for you girls and three quarters …
Emma: An even four-way split.
Bart: Yeah, well, uh … all right, you got a deal. Now, may I have my gun back, please?
Lou Ann: Don't do it, Duchess. The smoothinest, talkinest ones are always the sneakiest.
Cissie: Go ahead, Duchess. Anyone can see that Mr. Maverick is honest.
Lou Ann: You'd trust anything that wore spurs. You put a 10 gallon hat on a baboon, you'd swing through the trees with it.
Cissie: Is that so? I wonder what you're gonna look like with no hair on your head.
Lou Ann: Just about as good as you when I gnaw off both your earlobes.
(Bart begins "training" the girls)
Bart: Now, that's very good, you're acting very refined. (Lou Ann "guzzles" her tea) Oh, that's tea, Lou Ann, it's not gin.
Lou Ann: I know. Gin's easier to get down. (Bart sighs) I got an idea. Why don't we lace it with just a teensy-weensy bit of …
Bart: No! No!
Bart: Must you wiggle that way when you walk?
Cissie: Nobody never complained before.
Bart: Cissie, I've told you that's a double negative. "Nobody ever complained before," you see?
Cissie: That's what I've been trying to tell you. Honestly, Bart, sometimes you just ain't quite bright.
Lou Ann: Every time I get up, you pop to attention like a Sergeant Major.
Cissie: Well, I'm only doing like Maverick read us from the book yesterday.
Bart: What was that, Cissie?
Cissie: You know, the perfect young lady always rises when the older woman gets to her feet.
Lou Ann: Older woman? You're saying I'm older than you?
Cissie: Facts are facts.
Lou Ann: I'm anyway three months younger.
Cissie: I'll go along with the book, I'm supposed to open the door for her, too.
Lou Ann: You just keep that up, Cissie Anderson, and I might just beat you over the head with one of those doors.
Bart: You know, I can't help wondering why it's so important for the Wheelwright family to stick together?
Joe: Can't you? Funny thing, I can't help but wonder why some people don't mind their own business?
Bart: Uh, well, no offense. I, uh … Tell me, what do you think of the young ladies?
Joe: Oh, they'll do. Fact of the matter is, I'm quite took with 'em, same as my three fine boys.
Bart: Well, in that case, you won't mind returning my fine money.
Bart: Mr. Wheelwright, it is not her fault …
Joe: Let her do the talking, your turn'll come later. Go on.
Emma: This is a plan that Braze had worked out.
Bart: Braze? You girls were doing business behind my back with Braze?
Emma: We hated doing it, Bart, being so fond of you, but, well, he gave us no choice.
Bart: Fine. The next place I hit I hope nobody can stand the sight of me.
Joe: Maybe there won't be a next place, Maverick.
Bart: Oh, now, those boys don't mean to be disrespectful, sir. It's just some things they wanna make up their own minds about. And ya know, they're pretty nice fellas considering the fact that their granddaddy Foursquare did a little tradin' with the Indians …
Bart: Oh, I'll be quiet if you'll be reasonable.
Joe: Joe Wheelwright is always reasonable, I'll throttle the man that denies it.
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