McHale's Navy

Season 4 Episode 9

A Wine Cellar Is Not a Home

Aired Thursday 9:30 PM Nov 09, 1965 on ABC

Episode Recap

It's a dark and stormy night, and McHale and the guys are huddled, in full foul weather gear, in their leaky tent, trying, in vain, to stay dry, while they heatedly complain about their accommodations. Finally, McHale decides that they should move to warmer, dryer digs, in a nearby wine cellar, where their Japanese friend, Fuji, stays. Once there, the decision is made to move to the wine cellar, permanently. Willy brings up the possibility of Binghamton's springing a surprise inspection on them, and finding their tents empty. But McHale comes up with the idea of requisitioning a 2nd set of gear, to keep in the tents, to fool Binghamton, should that happen. Gruber suggests that – Rather than going through channels – They merely steal the gear they need. "Not on your life!!" returns McHale. "We're gonna ask for them, official-like! And, if we don't get 'em… Then we'll swipe 'em!" Later, in Binghamton's office, The Captain is trying to enjoy an Italian meal, as Carpenter serenades him, on a squeeze-box. McHale and Parker soon enter, to put in their request for new sleeping gear, but Binghamton turns them down cold. He then passes along an order from Staff, to investigate an enemy freighter, that has been torpedoed, and beached, north of the base. Before leaving, McHale tries to have Binghamton sign the requisition forms, but again, he flatly and angrily refuses. Later, at the site of the beached ship, McHale and the guys find quite a bit of antique furniture that has washed ashore from the damaged ship. Gruber, of course, has the usual dollar signs in his eyes, and suggests they sell the furniture. But McHale has a better idea. Why not use the fancy items to furnish their new home, in the wine cellar? McHale quickly orders the guys to load the furniture onto the boat, for the trip back to Voltafiore. As the heavily-laden 73 pulls up to the dock, Binghamton and Carpenter are watching, from behind a stack of crates. As McHale and the crew begin to unload the items, they pull their .45s, and approach. McHale explains that they found the furniture on the beach, near the damaged freighter, and adds that they had intended to hold on to it, until they could inventory it, then they would polish it up, and turn it over to the Captain. But Binghamton will have none of it, and announces his intention to impound the furniture, under Article 13, paragraph 'F', regarding the disposition of 'War booty'. He immediately orders the furniture to be loaded onto a truck, for immediate transportation to base headquarters. Later, as Binghamton relaxes on his new sofa, in his newly-decorated office, Colonel Harrigan pays a visit. Binghamton and Carpenter try to hide the furniture, under dust cloths, but it's all for naught, for Harrigan soon finds the furniture, and quickly confiscates it under the same Article 13, Paragraph F. Later, as Harrigan oversees the loading of all the 'booty' into Army trucks, McHale and the guys stand by, and watch, helpless to do anything about it. But McHale soon comes up with an idea, and he gathers the guys to talk it over. That night, as Harrigan relaxes on his new sofa, in his newly-decorated office, McHale and the guys, dressed as German sailors, suddenly burst in. Christy and Virgil snatch up Harrigan, drag him to the other side of the room, and hold him at gunpoint, as Parker, Gruber, and Tinker demand that Harrigan reveal the whereabouts of some "Secret papers". The frightened Harrigan denies any knowledge of any secret papers, so Tinker suggests that they look to see if the papers are hidden in the furniture. But Parker orders that – In the interest of time – They simply take the furniture, and search it at a later time. So, while Parker holds Harrigan at gunpoint, the guys quickly hustle the furniture outside, where McHale and Willy wait, to lend a hand in getting it all loaded onto a truck. Inside, Parker ties Harrigan up, and McHale comes in – Unseen by Harrigan, who faces the wall – To hurry Parker along. "De tide ess going out!" says McHale, in a phony German accent. "Das U-boat is leaving! Schnell! Schnell!!" "Right, Skip." Says Parker, falling out of character for a moment. But he quickly covers for himself with: "Skip!" adds Parker, getting back into character. "Don't vant to skip de ship!" Then, with a click of his heels, and a "Sieg heil!" Parker gets up, and rushes out the door, behind McHale. Outside, the guys all get into the back of the truck, McHale gets behind the wheel, and roars away, into the night. The next day, Harrigan storms into Binghamton's bare office, angrily demanding to know the whereabouts of his furniture. Binghamton, of course, knows nothing about the situation, and tells Harrigan so. But Harrigan will have none of it, and quickly accuses Binghamton of having staged the incident. Binghamton still denies all knowledge of any such incident, but, after Harrigan leaves, he immediately suspects McHale, and vows to catch McHale and his Crew red-handed, with the goods. Meanwhile, McHale and the guys have moved their new furniture into the old wine cellar, and made themselves at home. But their joy is short-lived, for a call soon comes in from Gruber's friend and informant, at the motor pool. It seems that Binghamton has checked out a jeep, and is on his way to McHale's headquarters, angry, and in a hurry. A frustrated McHale knows that Binghamton will eventually find the furniture. So, he quickly decides that what they have to do is make both Binghamton and Harrigan believe that the furniture no longer exists. Again, McHale gathers the guys, to go over his plan. Later, at the 73 Crew's compound, the guys have wired their supply tent with explosives. After Fuji comes in with the report that Leadbottom is on his way, the guys make themselves scarce, and McHale and Parker remain, to face The Captain. After he arrives, McHale surprises Binghamton with a full confession on the theft of the furniture, but McHale adds that they had done it, just so that they could give it to him, rather than have it fall into the hands of the Army. Binghamton swallows the story, and immediately wants to see the furniture. McHale tries to stall The Captain, by inviting him into their tent for a glass of wine, but Binghamton turns him down. But then, Harrigan arrives, and Binghamton orders McHale to keep his mouth shut. Harrigan steps over, thinking that he's caught them all red-handed, and, though Binghamton tries to deny having the furniture, McHale 'fesses up. He then invites Binghamton and Harrigan into his tent, to discuss a 50-50 split, of the furniture, and, as they make their way in, McHale brings up the rear, and signals the guys – Who are hiding, not far away – To set the plan in motion. With a siren, machine guns, and various sound effects, the guys put on a phony air raid. McHale and Parker quickly exit the tent, and McHale collapses the tent on Binghamton and Harrigan. While they fight to get out, the guys quickly rush over, and continue the sound effects, and finally, Christy sets off the explosives in the supply tent. When Binghamton and Harrigan finally come out of the tent, the dust and debris are still flying. When McHale points out that the 'Jerry' bomb wiped out the supply tent, Binghamton and Harrigan rush over, and fight over the remains of their antiques. That night, as Binghamton and Carpenter huddle under an umbrella, during a thunderstorm, in Binghamton's leaky office… "Well, Elroy…" says Binghamton. "The only good thing about this, is knowing that McHale and his cutthroats have it worse than we do." Meanwhile, McHale and The Crew – All comfortably relaxed, glasses of wine in hand, in their finely-furnished, warm, snug new home – Sing a chorus of 'There's No Place Like Home'.
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