Metalocalypse

Season 1 Episode 1

The Curse of Dethklok

0
Aired Sunday 12:30 AM Aug 06, 2006 on Cartoon Network

Episode Recap

Jean-Pierre, the world's only six-star chef, stands before a giant furnace chanting, "I am a gear in the wheel of the Klok...I fear not my mortality..." when an alarm sounds. He is called before the five members of Dethklok, seated in large, spiked chairs before a long banquet table. When he asks if everything is to their liking, Pickles (the drummer) asks if the chef is aware of the fate of their last 'Restaurant Helicopter Chef', which he is (his face was smashed in with a hovercraft, and he subsequently shot and killed himself). He is then told that all of their chefs have died horrible deaths, and is asked what he thinks of this. The chef replies, "I would rather have my brains scooped out with a melon-baller than to miss the opportunity to deliver the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok." However, he is immediately shaken up as their helicopter (in which they are all currently inside) chops through a flock of doves. The chef presents the band with a bottle of wine from the Prime Minister of Norway, one of many from several cases, when Nathan Explosion (lead vocals) screams, "NOOO! We never drink before a show. NEVER." However, William Murderface (bass) proclaims, while pouring the newly opened bottle of wine, "I've been drinking all day." Toki Wartooth (second guitar), Skwisgaar Skwigelf (lead guitar), and Pickles all proclaim, in succession, "Me too." After a brief pause, Nathan finally proclaims, "...me too."



::Title Sequence::



A news broadcast informs us that over 300,000 Dethklok fans have gathered at Batsfjord, Norway for an exclusive Dethklok concert. Many people have died during the trek to this northernmost part of Norway in the Arctic Circle, which is highly treacherous and nearly impossible to reach. It is revealed that the concert is one single song, a jingle for a coffee company, Duncan Hills Coffee. Despite rumors of 'selling out', Nathan Explosion proclaims exactly the opposite: "We are here to make coffee metal. We will make EVERYTHING metal. Blacker than the blackest black, times INFINITY."



Fans are required to sign Pain Waivers, papers that free Dethklok from any and all legal liability. Two fans are interviewed: a one-eyed man who had his eye torn out and force-fed to him, and a man who had two fingers chopped off and thrown on-stage, where Murderface rolled them up and smoked them. Both fans seemed extraordinarily happy about these events.



As the live coverage of the event continues, Dethklok's helicopter arrives at the concert site (a frozen tundra, devoid of anything but ice), where a large, spiked metal death cube is released from the cargo hold, parachuting down to a target 'X' on the ground. The box misses its target, however, killing and maiming many concert-goers. The walls of the cube fall to the ground, killing and maiming even more fans and revealing the band, complete with portable stage, video screens, and 'props'. The band begins their song, and as the song plays, giant pots of coffee and cream douse the crowd, the searing coffee melts the skin from the faces and limbs of their still-rabid fans. At the end of their jingle, an off-course firework flies through the window of the 'Helicopter Restaurant', throwing their newly-acquired six-star chef Jean-Pierre into the blades of the helicopter's rotors, dismantling the chef into a multitude of pieces.



As this incident is being shown on a panel of nine screens (three tall by three wide), a mysterious man in a dark blue suit proclaims to an equally mysterious group of people (including a bishop or cardinal [possibly], a high-ranking military officer, and a possible mafioso) that Dethklok is the world's Greatest Cultural Force, and that in the time since the 'Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle Batsfjord Massacre', the coffee company became the ONLY remaining coffee company, obliterating any and all competition. The 'bishop' reminds the man in the suit about the Sumerian artifacts, and how "the resemblance is indisputable". The 'general' wants to exterminate them immediately, but their apparent leader, an even more mysterious man seated above all of the others, proclaims, "No...we wait..."



Meanwhile, at Dethklok's headquarters (a giant castle carved into the side of a cliff, including a giant Viking-style ship's prow complete with carved dragon's head), the band discusses the fact that while not *all* of their employees may be cursed (this being said as a worker falls from scaffolding and is impaled), their chefs most definitely *are*. They discuss the fate of Jean-Pierre, who is somehow STILL ALIVE, though being kept alive in multiple unrecognizable pieces. Murderface suggests pulling the plug, and Pickles suggests firing him for being lazy (he is, after all, just lying there and "not cooking a d**n thing all day long". Skwisgaar becomes increasingly agitated at the toaster, trying to smash a coffee filter filled with coffee into it ("We gets all the free coffee in the world, and no instructions on how to cook it!"). Toki says he may have to take six or seven "personal grief days", and Murderface throws a tantrum over being 'The Fat One', displaying his stomach tattoos: "Pobody's Nerfect", and "This Mess is a Place".



They decide to go to the supermarket, each in charge of buying the ingredients for a separate course. They're NOT to buy booze, though, since "booze ain't food". Nathan headbutts the meat department's display case and grabs several sausages. Murderface, in charge of getting a lemon tart, asks an elderly woman, "Is there olives in it?" before urinating into the olive display case. When Pickles (in charge of Lobster Bisque) asks an employee if "this" (an entire cart full of bottles of various liquors) is good for soup, and the employee replies "No", Pickles interrupts "Ahhhh!! That's a yes." Toki asks what walnuts are, and Skwisgaar throws a package of tampons into Toki's basket, proclaiming that this is why Toki is in such a bad mood, calling him a lady. When Toki calls Skwisgaar a lady in return, Skwisgaar screams "NO I NOT!!" Nathan pours rice into a measuring cup, and then onto the floor, proclaiming "Brutal." Pickles finds out from the seafood department's employee that lobsters are thrown into boiling water, where they turn red, shriek, and die. Hearing this, he says, "That is the most metal thing I have ever heard in my entire life!" Nathan gets ahold of the intercom, blurting out random non-existant in-store specials (named after song titles from the band Cannibal Corpse), and Skwisgaar tells another elderly woman that she is a GMILF, "a 'Grandmother that I would like to..."



Back at their Headquarters, Dethklok prepares to make their meal...but they left all of their groceries at the store. They return to Jean-Pierre's room/life-support system, Murderface prodding his windpipe/breathing tube (the only remaining part of Jean-Pierre's head being the top half) while the entire band berates him to get up and make them something to eat. Pickles proclaims, hand to the sky, "By the power of all that is evil, I command you to awaken and MAKE ME A SANDWICH!" Murderface decides that the only thing they can do is kill themselves, while Skwisgaar says that they'll have to sew him back together to get him to cook for them. Toki says that they're such screwups, that they would sew him back together wrong. Nathan yells, "WHOA! That's a good song title!"



As the ending credits play, the band stares (Toki begins weeping) as their newly sewn-together (wrong, of course) chef Jean-Pierre walks by their banquet table, giving the camera a 'thumbs-up', his thumb nearly falling off.
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