Mike & Molly Season 3 Episode 13

Molly: Oh, my God! This is beautiful!
Mike: I told you I could do it.
Molly: Cop and construction worker. You're like two of the Village People in one body.
Mike: (chuckles) Not the first time I've heard that, but never as a compliment.

Molly: How's everything going with Carl?
Samuel: It's kind of like Whoopi Goldberg and Danny Glover in The Color Purple.
Molly: Oh, that movie always makes me cry.
Samuel: Yeah, I cried on the bus ride over here.

Mike: Look, if you're lonely, maybe you should get a dog or a plant. You know, something that has to love you back.
Carl: First of all, I'm not lonely. And, secondly, a dog doesn't guarantee you love. I've had three run off on me. One of them left me for a hobo.
Mike: You're kidding.
Carl: No, I saw him on the street a week later. Acted like he didn't even know me.

Grandma: (to Carl) Boy, you better disappear before I saw you in half.
Carl: (on the porch, to Mike) I know it's out of my way to come by here, but it's always worth it when I see that big smile on her face.
Grandma: (coming out the house) And quit leaving your pornography in my DVD player! I sat down to watch The View and got one I'll never forget.

Grandma: Michael, do you still go to your mama's house expecting her to fix you dinner, do your laundry, and shave the back of your neck?
Mike: No, but part of that's me not wanting my mom standing behind me with a razor in her hand.

Grandma: Listen, SpongeBob BrownPants... What's the point of getting you out of my house if I still got to handle your dirty drawers?
Carl: Grandma, how many times do I got to tell you? I like my underpants tri-folded, like little flags. Not just rolled up!
Grandma: Those crusty things roll up all on their own. Like the dead witch's feet in The Wizard of Oz.

Mike: (looking through Molly's yearbook) Who would expect the captain of the debate club to have such a rocking mullet?
Molly: It is not a mullet. I was going through a Prince phase.
Mike: Really? Charles or Albert?