Mike & Molly Season 2 Episode 12

Grandma: Carlton, what are you doing home?
Carl: Just hangin' out watchin' some football.
Grandma: No you ain't! Brother Haywood's on his way over here with a deck of cards and a bottle of tawny port.
Carl: Don't worry, I won't interfere with you card game.
Grandma: Ain't nobody playin' cards, fool! That's why I need you narrow butt off the couch and out of my house.
Carl: I'll just go to my room and put my headphones on.
Grandma: Brother Haywood's been out of town for six weeks. You need to go to the garage and turn on the leaf blower.

Vince: Don't mind me, I'm not here, I didn't see anything.
Molly: Vince, what are you doing back?
Vince: Well, we were headed up Wacker Drive and I realized I forgot my erectile encouragement medication.
Molly: Can't you just lie and say you forgot your wallet?
Vince: Okay, I forgot my wallet! And my weekend won't be as enjoyable without a good stiff wallet.

Christina: (kissing and touching Carl) Oh!
Carl: Don't get your hopes up; that's just a toothbrush wrapped in a pair of underwear.

Carl: (to Mike about Christina) I am truly smitten. I mean, when she talks I'm actually listening to her and not just nodding my head and imagining what she looks like naked on a seesaw.