Molly: (watching A Charlie Brown Christmas) I can't believe they keep shoving this baloney down our throats every year.
Vince: Oh come on, you're telling me your heart doesn't swell when the little gay kid tells the bald headed bastard about the true meaning of Christmas?
Molly: If this were real life, Charlie Brown would've tied Linus' blanket around his head like a noose, and jumped off the top of Snoopy's doghouse.
Joyce: Beautiful tree!
Vince: Best one they had. I own the vacant lot where the guy sells them, so he gives me first choice. That's why we get free pumpkins at Halloween, stuffed bunnies on Easter and crack cocaine pretty much all year round.
Connie: (to Peggy) It's the holidays. Kiss my ass.
Kay: Is that how you're signing your Christmas cards this year?
Lynette: Why break tradition?
Peggy: All right ladies, raise them up: here's to three weeks of not having to serve Mexican goulash to a bunch of whiney, snot-nosed ingrates... and their students!
Molly: So strap on your elf hat buddy, 'cuz Santa Clause is coming to town.
Joyce: And that twinkly-eyed rascal likes to party with the Flynn girls.
Victoria: And in this house he don't care if you've been naughty or nice.
Mike: That's good, 'cuz in my house if you smarted off to your mom during Christmas week, your present went from a Super Nintendo to a bag of tube socks with a note from Santa saying "If you don't like it, go live with your dad and his whore."
Molly: Tomorrow we're gonna go pick up a Christmas tree, and pop some popcorn, and strings of cranberries...
Victoria: Apple cider...
Joyce: With schnaps.
Victoria: Hot cocoa...
Joyce: With schnaps.
Molly: Plus it will be smelling like gingerbread and sugar cookies...
Joyce: And schnaps.
Mike: Truthfully, Christmas wasn't really a big deal around the house.
Molly: But you still celebrated, didn't you?
Mike: Sure! When my dad was around, we'd have a very traditional Christmas - he'd get a tree, we'd exchange gifts, my mom would call him cheap and start a fight, he'd take a bottle of booze in the backyard, I'd cry and we'd go to bed.
Molly: Oh my god, was it like that every year?
Mike: No, after he moved out it got kinda sad.
This episode's end titles has Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card #370.
Original International Air Dates:
Canada: December 12, 2011 on CTV
Czech Republic: January 26, 2013 on SMICHOV
Turkey: July 4, 2013 on CNBC-e