Mike & Molly Season 1 Episode 16

Mike: Good luck out there Carl.
Grandma: Where are you going?
Carl: Don't worry about it, I've got a strategy.
Grandma: And if you walk into the ladies bathroom at church again pretending to be blind I will slap the black off of you.

Grandma: (to Mike) So you thought you were her prince charming on a white horse and now you're seeing other hoofprints in her yard.
Carl: I bet they're not as deep as yours.
Grandma: Did anybody ask what do the stupid people think?
Carl: No.
Grandma: No is right. So just sit there until we need a learned opinion about drinking straight out of the milk jug or what time the neighbor lady takes her bath.

Mike: What if there is other stuff she is not telling me?
Carl: Have you told her everything about your past?
Mike: Full disclosure. I've been an open book with that woman.
Carl: Did you tell her about that overweight singles cruise? If memory serves, you did very well on that love barge.
Samuel: I bet no one came knocking when that boat was a-rockin'.

Vince: (to Molly about Kyle being gay) Just out of curiosity, how did you figure it out? You catch him trying out your panties, or did he just say "Boy, I wish you had a wiener"?

Vince: (to Molly) Hey, I've lived, I've loved and with that age comes a certain amount of wisdom. And crabs.

Joyce: These are delicious. Who are they from?
Victoria: Gary, the Channel 9 weekend weather man.
Joyce: The guy with the bad rug?
Victoria: You know, he even wears that thing in bed. I woke up one morning and it was stuck to my crotch. Kinda liked it. It was very retro.

Joyce: Oh, Vince doesn't like carriage rides. He says a visible horse anus is a boner killer.
Molly: Sure.
Victoria: Gary the weather man has the same problem with midgets and schnauzers. It's why we can never do it at the circus or the dog park.
Molly: (disgusted) Sure.

Victoria: You know what they say - candy is dandy, but yay weed.