Mike & Molly Season 1 Episode 17

Grandma: Now if you'll excuse me, brother Haywood stopped by for pie and coffee.
Mike: Oh, what kind of pie?
Grandma: The kind of pie that two consenting adults enjoy alone in the privacy of their own home.
Mike: Oh man, I am two for two.
Grandma: So is brother Haywood. Good night Michael.

Joyce: Hey Mike, what a surprise. I was just making popcorn.
Vince: Save it dolly, he saw us on the stairs.
Mike: Honestly, from the window it just looked like a bad fall.
Vince: All right, state your business. Those viagras are eleven bucks a pop.
Joyce: Hush up Vince, you've got another three hours on that thing.
Vince: Hey I'm going to be asleep in about thirty minutes. After that, you can pound nails with it for all I care.

Molly: Six pounds. I've gained almost six pounds since Mike and I started dating.
Victoria: That's probably just your hibernation weight. You'll lose that as soon as spring thaw rolls around.

Carl: (to Mike) Well I told you when you got a girlfriend you've got to walk her outside at least three times a day.
Samuel: Otherwise they go crazy and start chewing up furniture and dragging their little butts across the carpet.
Carl: That's why you've got to get two of them - that way they could play with each other.

Mike: I'm not really up for going out. I had a pretty tough day at work.
Molly: What happened - shootout, bank robbery, Carl step in gum again?
Mike: You joke, but an office of the law stepping in a water hubba bubba can be a split second a criminal needs to make his getaway.