Molly: (to Mike) It's win-win. You've done a favor for your boss and your mom might finally have some male companionship that's more masculine than her.

Mike: No raccoons to speak of, but I did find my "Mr. Binky" that you told me the Devil took when I wet the bed.
Peggy: Worked, didn't it? Not a squirt out of you in 30 years.
Mike: And I have you to thank for my swollen prostate.

Victoria: I dated one of my bosses and it worked out great.
Joyce: Until his wife found out and spray painted "Home-Wrecking Whore" on the side of your car.
Victoria: Well, if you look hard enough, every picnic has an ant or two.
Joyce: When I was working for the airlines and schtupping that pilot... I could fly anywhere for free. That's how I took you girls to Disney World.
Molly: Don't all airline employees and their kids fly free anyway?
Joyce: Not first class.
Victoria: You're a good mom.
Joyce: Well, seeing you two spinning in the teacups was worth the Mr. Toad I had to ride to get you there.

Mike: Uh, listen, if this is about this fitness reports, believe it or not, I've lost almost 35 pounds. (table squeaks)
Captain: Yeah, you're just a little wisp of a thing.
Mike: Is that a joke, sir?
Captain: You might make detective yet, Biggs.

Mike: I think it soaked all the way through to my T-shirt.
Carl: Well, I'm not surprised. The only place you should eat barbecue is naked at a car wash with a handful of quarters.