Mike: Carl, I'm so sorry, I feel awful.
Carl: Ah, it was certainly negligent on your part, but on the plus side I've scored some bonus points just by holding her hand and telling her she looks beautiful to me.
Carl: Tell me about it. The woman looked like Apollo Creed at the end of Rocky 2.
Christina: Every Saturday I'd make my brother pretend to marry me in the backyard. My dad tells everybody that's why he's gay now.
(Molly is upset when Mike suggests they elope instead of planning a wedding)
Molly: Excuse me, I'm gonna go check on the salmon.
Carl: She must be going to the lake.
Mike: I always liked Uncle Ferrel.
Peggy: That's because you never had to slow dance with that S.O.B. He turns your back from the crowd and goes at your buttcheeks like he's trying to open an oyster.
Mike: Okay, what about their kids - Dougie and Mary Ellen?
Peggy: You mean Druggie and Butch? He'll be high as a kite and she'll be in the mens' room trying to straddle a urinal.
Carl: You're marrying a schoolteacher and I'm dating a doctor.
Mike: Not bad for a chubby guy and a pervert.
Carl: (smiling) Right?!
Molly: Victoria, we are not inviting your pot dealer to my wedding.
Victoria: Well, it's gonna be awkward if I don't ask him 'cuz I see him like every other day.
Joyce: He can come to the reception though, right? We definitely want him at the reception.
Victoria: I mean, why should it just be the happiest day of your life?
Samuel: (to Mike about Carl) You spend the whole day with him carrying a loaded gun. I have a newfound respect for you.
Carl: Now I understand why there's so many songs written about love. It truly is all you need and what makes the world go round.
Mike: Yeah, I know Carl, I have a radio too.
Carl: But have you really listened to those songs? For me it's like my eyes and ears are opened for the first time.
Mike: Well, your mouth couldn't go at it alone forever.
This episode's end titles has Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card #369.
Original International Air Dates:
Canada: December 5, 2011 on CTV
Czech Republic: January 25, 2013 on SMICHOV
Turkey: June 27, 2013 on CNBC-e