Mike & Molly Season 2 Episode 18

Mike: (about his mother and her dog) Boy, if she loved me half as much as she loved that dog, I'd weigh 130 pounds.
Carl: You can certainly understand her worry. That dog is like a son to her.
Mike: Oh, no, she treats him way better than a son. She'd give one of her kidneys to that ugly mutt but wouldn't drive 7 blocks to pick me up at school when I broke my arm.
Carl: You're kidding.
Mike: Said she was busy putting Nair on her toe knuckles. So she told me to hoof it. Said, "You don't walk on your arm anyway." Which is, ironically, how I broke it.

Molly: I don't even think I wanted kids before I met you.
Mike: Really?
Molly: I teach the fourth grade; there's no better birth control than that.

Mike: I'm the kind of guy that likes to think things through.
Carl: Since when? I once saw you bite onto a marshmallow that was still on fire.