Brian: Remind me to call my daughter when I get home and tell her how much I love her, yeah? And to meet me at the police station with $200 bail money and a pair of pants.
Vince: Whoa. What climbed in your lunch box and ate your fruit pie?
Mike: You know how much it costs to impregnate a woman?
Vince: Usually dinner and a show. And if she's really hot, a couple of months' rent.
Carl: Did you peruse that Kama Sutra book I gave you?
Mike: You mean the used sex manual you hid in my gym bag? No, I tossed both of them over the Oak Street Bridge.
Carl: Man, that's 2,000 years of sexual knowledge you threw away.
Mike: Hey, it wasn't easy for me... I've had that gym bag since high school.
Carl: Well, if you don't want any help from the Hindus, maybe it's time to invite science into your bedroom.
Mike: Carl, a sex swing is not considered science.
Carl: You, my friend, are a creature of habit. Take the way you eat an Oreo.
Mike: Not this again.
Carl: One twist counterclockwise, lick the top, scrape your teeth on the bottom.
Carl: So I'm guessing Molly's getting pretty much the same treatment.
This episode's end titles has Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card #415.