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Oh my God, you guys. You have never seen a summer TV schedule that's summerier than ABC's 2014 summer schedule. I mean, WOW. It's filled with people searching for love, people searching for sex, and people searching for the Vorpal Sword of Paul Lee or whatever The Quest will force grown-up LARPers to hunt for. It's TV schedules like this one that make me understand why America's academic scores are plummeting below those of lobotomized sloths and why other countries laugh at us despite the fact that we could nuke them to Jupiter. And of course I'm excited for about three-quarters of it. 

Among the noteworthy returns are Andi Dorfman's debut as the prize of The Bachelorette, the trashy-as-heck Mistresses, Canadian cop drama Rookie Blue, the child torture of Bet On Your Baby, and emergency-room-stuffers W-w-w-w-w-Wipeout and Extreme Weight Loss. There will also be four newbies and one completely embarrassing excuse for a television series making their debuts this summer, so let's run 'em down to make sure you know exactly what you're skipping a vacation with your kids for:

Black Box (Thursday, April 24): This medical drama follows Catherine Black (Kelly Reilly), a famous neuroscientist (presumably among neuroscientists, because I couldn't name one real-life neuroscientist, can you?) who diagnoses strange diseases. And as mandated by Medical Television Show Law, she's got a condition of her own: She's bipolar! It's House meets Perception but with a lady doctor instead. 

The Quest (Thursday, June 19): This reality series honestly has a chance at becoming the greatest thing ever to air on television, because it's The Amazing Race but set in a fantasy world of lavishly constructed sets. There will to be state-of-the-art projections, animatronics, and crazy people running around dressed like ogres! A dozen contestants will live-action-role-play for our amusement in a setting that looks like Euro Disney. I CANNOT WAIT. 

Rising Star (Sunday, June 22): America's greatest natural resource is the reality singing competition, and this latest entry in the genre will allow viewers to use a mobile app to vote on who should win in real time. How will this concept be incorporated into a country with three time zones, you ask? Never mind your pretty head with silly thoughts like that and just vote for whoever is the prettiest. 

The Astronaut Wives Club (Thursday, July 24): This is a "limited" 10-episode series with a silly name about the women behind the men who hurtled into outer space during the great Space Race of the 1960s. It's like The Right Stuff: Ladies' Edition. JoAnna Garcia Swisher and Odette Annable star.  

Bachelor in Paradise (Monday, August 4, the day the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ride through the portal to hell and begin their wrath): Bachelor Pad is dead, but its corpse has been reanimated as Bachelor in Paradise, which takes former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants and crams them into a house together so that they can get drunk, get tan, fight, and f*ck. There are only six episodes, and from what I can tell, no rules. 


Here you go, ABC's schedule full of summer entertainment that you'll be too embarrassed to tell anyone you watch (new shows in ALL CAPS):


Thursday, April 24
10–11pm – BLACK BOX 

Sunday, May 18
8–11pm – The 2014 Billboard Music Awards

Monday, May 19
9:30–11pm – The Bachelorette

Wednesday, May 21
10–11pm – Motive

Monday, May 26
8–10pm – The Bachelorette (Regular time period premiere)

Tuesday, May 27
8–10pm – Extreme Weight Loss

Saturday, May 31
8–9pm – Bet On Your Baby

Monday, June 2
10–11pm – Mistresses

Thursday, June 5
8-8:30pm – Jimmy Kimmel Live: Game Night

Thursday, June 19
8–9pm – THE QUEST 

Sunday, June 22
7–9pm – Wipeout (Special two-hour premiere)
9–11pm – RISING STAR 

Tuesday, June 24
10–11pm  NY Med

Sunday, June 29
8–9pm – Wipeout (Regular time period premiere)

Thursday, July 17
10–11pm – Rookie Blue

Thursday, July 24
9–10pm THE ASTRONAUT WIVES CLUB

Monday, August 4
8–10pm – BACHELOR IN PARADISE


Which of these shows will you pretend that you don't watch?


Previously Aired Episode

AIRED ON 9/1/2014

Season 2 : Episode 13

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