Modern Family Season 1 Episode 5

Phil: Claire likes to say "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both.

Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug…creates a tripping hazard…and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Claire: If I say something that everybody else is thinking, does that make me a mean person? Or, does it make me a brave person, one who is courageous enough to stand up and say something, behind someone's back to a ten-year-old?

Phil: It's nice to see you Gloria. (Hugs Gloria)
Gloria: Two times today.
Phil: Okay. (Goes in for another hug)
Claire: Uh, Phil, she means we've seen them two times today.

Phil: (On the phone with Claire) Hey honey, what's up?
Claire: Uh, the school just called. Luke got in a fight.
Phil: Oh, jeez, is he okay?
Claire: Yeah, he's fine, but they want us to come down there. Where are you?
Phil: I'm showing a house.
Claire: What house?
Phil: (After a long pause) I'm golfing.

Mitchell: I don't like football.
Cameron: You know what? I thought part of being in a relationship was pretending to enjoy your partner's interests. Do you think I really loved home pickle making?
Mitchell: Yeah, 'cause you did.
Cameron: For a week, until we became the weird guys who gave everybody pickles. "Oh thank you, Marvin, for inviting us into your lovely home. Here, would you care for sacks pickles?"
Mitchell: It was charming.
Cameron: We were picklers, Mitchell. Okay, you know what, fine. Stay home with your little, jagged scissors. Maybe catch up on your scrap-booking.
Mitchell: Uh, come-you love scrap-booking.
Cameron: Did I Mitchell? Did I? (Leaves room)
Mitchell: No, stop. Don't do the double question to prove a point thing. I hate it when people do that.
Cameron: (Holds Lily outside the door) Do you Mitchell? Do you?
Mitchell: Stop Lily.

Phil: Well, there's book smart and then there's street smart.
Claire: Yeah, and then there's Luke.
Phil: Oh, he's just, he's just curious, that's all. He's got this, almost, scientific mind with a thirst for knowledge. He's like this little Einstein. Some people ask "Why?" Luke asks, "Why not?"
Claire: I ask why a lot.

Haley: Hey, mom?
Claire: Yeah?
Haley: Can I have forty dollars for lunch?
Claire: Forty dollars?
Haley: I also need a book for school.
Claire: What book?
Haley: I want a dress.
Claire: Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?
Alex: I'd be more worried that she couldn't come up with a single book title.