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Modern Family

Season 1 Episode 1

Pilot

18
Aired Wednesday 9:00 PM Sep 23, 2009 on ABC

Trivia

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  • Trivia

    • In this episode Manny says, "I'm eleven years old, what am I going to do with money?" though actually at the time Manny is ten years old because he is in 5th grade and his birthday is in November.

    • Julie Bowen was eight months pregnant when the pilot episode was shot.

    • Phil and Claire have been married for sixteen years and Jay and Gloria have been married for six months. Mitchell and Cameron have been together for five years.

  • Quotes

    • Cam: And you do have avoidance issues, even Longinus said so.
      Mitchell: Are--Are you really not hearing these names?

    • Cam: Yes, I've gained a few pounds while we were expecting the baby, which has been very difficult, but apparantly your body does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing where it retains nutrients--some sort of mulecular physiology thing. But that's science. You can't--You can't fight it, so--
      Mitchell: I'm not saying anything.
      Cam: You're saying everything!

    • Jay: If you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a sixteen year old, you're gonna be swingin' from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants.

    • Claire: Are you okay?
      Alex: No. The little bitch shot me.
      (Phil laughs)
      Claire: Language!

    • Passanger 3: Look at that baby with those cream puffs.
      Mitchell: Oh. Excuse me. Excuse me. This baby would've grown up in a crowded orphanage if it hadn't been for us "cream puffs". And you know what? Note to all of you who judge--
      Cam: Mitchell!
      Mitchell: Hear this! Love knows no race, creed--
      Cam: Mitchell!
      Mitchell: or gender. And shame on you, you small-minded, ignorant few who--
      Cam: Mitchell! Mitchell!
      Mitchell: What?
      Cam: She's got the cream puffs.

    • Father (Josh): Oh, and this must me your dad.
      Jay: Her dad?
      Father (Josh): Yeah.
      Jay: No, no. That's funny. Actually, no, I'm her husband. Don't be fooled by the, uh--give me a second here...

    • Mother: Come on, Coach. You gotta take that kid out.
      Gloria: You wanna take him out? How about I take YOU out!
      Jay: Honey, honey.
      Gloria: Why don't you worry about your son? He spent the first half with his hand in his pants!

    • Claire: I was out of control growing up. There, you know, I said it. I just don't want my kids to make the same mistakes I made. If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half-naked, I've done my job.
      Phil: Our job.
      Claire: Right. I've done our job.

    • Jay: (reading Manny's poem)
      "We're from different worlds, yet we somehow fit together.
      Love is what binds us, through fair or stormy weather.
      I stand before you now, with only one agenda
      to let you know my heart is yours, Feldman comma Brenda."
      I mean, seriously.

    • Phil: Luke so far, ya know, hasn't beaten me at basketball. But when the day comes that he does win, if ya know, if, when he beats me I'm just gonna be like "well done, well done." Just like let him, just support him and that kind of stuff. I mean I'm probably gonna wanna go just like 2 out of 3 and see what happens there.

    • Phil: I'm the cool dad. That's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text: LOL - laugh out loud, OMG - oh my god, WTF- why the face. Um you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical so...

    • Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.
      Phil: Buddy, uncool.
      Claire: That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.
      Phil: We were serious about that?
      Claire: Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.
      Luke: I'm so sorry!
      Claire: Liar. Go.
      Phil: He's got a birthday party.
      Alex: What's more important here, dad?
      Claire: You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2:00.
      Phil: I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.
      Alex: What about 3:00?
      Claire: No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00.
      4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.
      Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me. (Claire writes "Shoot Luke" on schedule. Luke groans.) Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

    • Gloria: (Yelling from the sidelines at Manny's soccer game) Where is the penalty?!
      Jay: Gloria, they're 0-6 six. Let's take it down a notch.

    • Phil: Kids, get down here!
      Haley: Why are you guys yelling at us when we're way upstairs? Just text me.
      Claire: All right, that's not going to happen. And, wow, you're not wearing that outfit.
      Haley: What's wrong with it?
      Claire: (To Phil) Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?
      Phil: Sorry. (To Haley) Oh, yeah, that looks really cute, sweetheart.
      Haley: Thanks.
      Claire: (To Haley) No, it's way too short. People know you're a girl. You don't need to prove it to them.
      Alex: Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.
      Phil: I got it. Where's the baby oil?
      Claire: It's in our bedside tab--(Under her breath) I don't know. Find it.

    • Jay: I'll give you fifty dollars if you don't go through with this.
      Manny: I'm eleven.. What am I going to do with money?
      Jay: What are you going to do with a sixteen year old?

    • Jay: (voiceover) We're from different worlds, yet we somehow fit together. Love is what binds us, through fair or stormy weather. I stand before you now with only one agenda. (reading Manny's love poem) To let you know my heart is yours, Feldman comma Brenda. I mean, seriously!

    • Jay: (to Manny) If you put on a puffy, white shirt and declare your love for a 16-year-old, you're gonna be swinging from a flagpole in your puffy, white underpants.

    • Cameron: Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby. Which has been very difficult, but apparently, your body does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing where it retains nutrients. Some sort of molecular physiology... thing. But that's science. You can't-- you can't fight it.

    • Alex: If Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she got mono for a few months and then tell everyone the baby's yours?

    • Mitchell: Ahhh we have been together for, guh, five-- five years now? And uh we-- we just decided that we really wanted to have a baby. So we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate but--
      Cameron: Then we figured, they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant?
      Mitchell: Don't think so.
      Cameron: No thank you, ick!

    • Gloria: We're very different. Jay's from the city. He has big business. I come from a small village, very poor but very very beautiful. It's the number one village in all Colombia for all the... (turns to Jay) what's the word?
      Jay: Murders.
      Gloria: Yes, the murders.

    • Claire: I was...out of control growing up. There. You know, I said it. I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made. If--if Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half-naked, I've done my job.
      Phil: Our job.
      Claire: Right. I've done our job.

    • Manny: She has a boyfriend.
      Gloria: Oh, I am sorry, mi niño
      Manny: I gave her my heart and she gave me a picture of me as an old-time Sheriff. (He looks down sadly) That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it.
      Gloria: No, mi amor, It was brave. Right, Jay? Brave.
      Jay: W-well, you'll know better next time. Come on, let's get a pretzel.

    • Airplane Passenger: Honey, honey, look at that baby with those cream puffs.
      Mitchell: Okay. Excuse me. Excuse me, but this baby would have grown up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us "cream puffs." And you know what? No, to all of you who judge --
      Cameron: Mitchell...
      Mitchell: Hear this. Love knows no race, creed...
      Cameron: Mitchell...
      Mitchell: ...or gender. And shame on you...
      Cameron: Mitchell...
      Mitchell: ...you small-minded ignorant few--
      Cameron: Mitchell!
      Mitchell: What?!
      Cameron: She's got the cream puffs. (baby is holding dessert cream puffs)

  • Notes

    • The episode won 2 Emmy Awards for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series and Outstanding Picture Editing for a Comedy Series (Single or Multi-Camera).

    • Featured Music:
      "Circle Of Life" by Elton John
      "All In This Together" by The Cast of High School Musical

    • Original International Air Dates:
      Canada: September 23, 2009 on Citytv
      United Kingdom: October 15, 2009 on Sky1/Sky1 HD
      Thailand: February 2, 2010 on True Series
      Sweden: April 16, 2010 on TV4
      Czech Republic: April 26, 2010 on HBO Comedy
      Latin America: August 17, 2010 on FOX
      India: November 8, 2010 on Star World
      Finland: April 7, 2011 on MTV3
      Slovakia: January 12, 2013 on JOJ Plus

    • This series was formerly known as "My American Family."

  • Allusions

    • The scene wherein Cameron raises Lily while a light shines upon her and the song "Circle of Life" plays in the background is an allusion to a scene from the 1994 animated film Lion King. In the movie, Rafiki raises the young Simba towards the sunlight while the rest of the animals watch.

    • Claire: (to Haley in front of a boy) A minute you're just friends watching Falcon Crest and the next, you're lying underneath the air hockey table with your bra in your pocket.

      Falcon Crest refers to an American TV series soap opera which aired on the CBS network for nine seasons, from 1981 to 1990.

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