Modern Family

Phil: I listen with my mind, and if you pay attention, women will tell you what they want by telling you the opposite of what they want. Like, the other day, Claire was like, "You have to move your car. There's no space in the garage for both of our cars." And what she's really saying is that, you know, I should probably get a sports car.

(Cameron and Mitchell are nervously trying to appease Lily, who is crying) Cameron: I got Boo-Boo bear from the freezer. Mitchell: Why do you have chocolate on your face? Cameron: It was under a pie. Mitchell: So, you ate your way to it? Cameron: I made a judgement call. You weren't there!

Luke: Dad? I need help. I was supposed to keep a journal all summer. It's due today. Claire: Wow, first day of school, and you're already behind? Luke: I'm dead. Claire: All right, tell me how far you've gotten. Luke: Okay. "June 21st -- Found a stick. June 22nd..." That's it. Claire: That's it? Luke: It was a really cool stick. Phil: He's right. It looked like a snake.

(Jay and Gloria are in the school to bring back the poncho. Manny comes out of his class) Manny: Is something wrong? Who has died? Gloria: No one Manny. Jay: Why would you even think that? Gloria: In Columbia Manny went to Pablo Escobar elementary school. If you were pulled out of class it was definitely to identify a body. Jay: Well, we got your poncho here. Manny: I thought you said it made me look like me neck was wearing a dress. Jay: That was a joke. (Manny searches for something in the poncho) Manny: Oh good it's still in the pocket. Jay: What do you got there, buddy? Manny: My pan flute. I'm going to play some columbian folk music for my new class mates Jay: Huh, great. (Gloria looks slightly shocked, but manages to smile and hug her son) Gloria: I've never been more proud of you. I'm sure your friends are gonna love it. (Gloria turns around to Jay) Gloria: Break the flute! Jay: What? (cut to an interview scene with Jay and Gloria) Gloria: The poncho by itself is fine. The poncho plus the flute plus the stupid dance: my son will die a virgin. (Jay nods) Jay: That's right.

Gloria: So we should crush Manny's spirit and destroy everything that makes him who he is? Jay: I'm just saying it's no fun to see your kid get picked on every day and tormented just because he is different. Now I tell you: it rips your heart out. Gloria: Well ... Batman doesn't get picked on and he wears a cape. A poncho is just a cape that goes all the way around. Jay: Batman doesn't get picked on because he's a muscular genius. Manny can't make it to the top bunk.

(Gloria looks into Jays trunk and finds the poncho of Manny) Gloria: Jay, what is this? Jay: Oh looks like my old car cover. Gloria: Don't give me that. This is Manny's poncho. What is it doing here? Jay: Maybe he decided to take it off on the way to school. Gloria: What did you say to him? Jay: Nothing. I told some jokes. Gloria: You say plenty with your jokes. Jay, he looks up to you. He respects your opinion. Jay: We dodged a bullet on this. Trust me. I've been on this road before. I remember one time Mitchell decided to wear a jaunty scarf to school. I kept my mouth shut. He got his jaunty butt kicked.

Manny: How's my hair? (Jay looks at Manny, who wears a poncho) Jay: Hold on! What are you wearing there? It looks like an old Christmas tree skirt. Manny: It's a traditional Colombian poncho. I want my new classmates to know that I'm proud of my heritage. Gloria: I think you look very handsome. Jay: Oh, really? Am I driving him to school, or is he gonna ride his burro?

(after Mitchell bumps the babys head against the wall and the cheering up fails) Cameron: I don't think it is as funny as you think. Can we please call your sister? (Cameron runs to the kitchen to get the phone, Mitchell follows him) Mitchell: No No! Cam Cam, Why? So she can be all judgmental and condescending like she's the expert and I don't know how to take care of a baby? Cameron: Mitchell ... she is your family. Of course she is condescending and judgmental. (Cameron gives the phone to Mitchell) Claire: Hello? Mitchell: Hey, hi. Not a big deal, just wondering. When you're kids were small, did you ever ... I don't know ... smacked their heads into a wall? Claire: Usually we just gave time-outs. Mitchell: Oh no no ... accidentally. We just kinda bumped Lillis head and she ... it wasn't really very hard and she's not acting any differently ... I just worried ... Claire: Relax. It happens. Luke used to bang his head all the time and he's fine. Mitchell: Okay. Alright. Thank you. Thanks. It helps. Okay. Okay. (Mitchell whispers to Cameron) Mitchell: We gotta take her to the doctor. Load the car.

Phil: This navigation system is all messed up. It thinks we are in a park. (Phil looks up, while his daughter is driving) Phil: Oh my GOD. It is a park. AWAY FROM THE KIDS! HEAD FOR THE LAKE!

Claire: Getting everybody out of the house in the morning can be really tough. Especially the first day of school. Phil: From the moment we get up at seven until we drop them off at school it is: go go go. Claire: I get up at six. (Phil laughs and mocks) Phil: I get up at five. Claire: Seriously, I get up at six. Phil: That's you? I thought we had a racoon.

Cameron: (In a high-pitched voice) I swear to God I'm gonna break it! Jay: Do not break the window, you're gonna get glass on her. Woman: (On the phone) Sir, please tell your wife to calm down, everything's gonna be okay. Jay: That's a man. Woman: Really?