Modern Family

Mitchell: Well mom, instead of drudging up the whole incident, maybe we should just try and repress it, like a normal family. Dede: I can't I need closure, I'm about to embark on a new journey, I met a man. Mitchell: Really? Dede: His name is Chaz, and he's asked me to come live with him in his foreign land. Mitchell: Wow, where? Dede: Canada. Mitchell: You're moving to Canada. Dede: French Canada.

Manny: Mom, I'm home! Gloria: Hi, baby! Did you have fun at the slumber party? You must be exhausted. Manny: No, I'm not tired at all. I was the first one to fall asleep. Gloria: What's on your face? Manny: A smile from having such a good time with my friends. Gloria: No. Come here. (Brings Manny over to mirror to show him his marked face) Look. Manny: Oh. That's why they were laughing. I thought it was my funny take on current events.

Dede: Tai Chi. I did it everyday in Sedona. Cameron, you should try it. Cameron: (To camera) Mitchell's mother has a problem...with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So, to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

Dede: I don't know what just happened. Dylan: I do. I mean it seems pretty simple to me. You're reaching out, trying to hold onto something awesome. Haley: Um maybe, maybe you shouldn't. Dylan: Look, look, look, I'm not used to this, the whole "big family" thing. In my house, we don't even talk to each other. You know it's funny, the first time I saw Haley, I knew I liked her. I mean she's beautiful and everything, but it's it's not just that. She's got this killer confidence. You know, the kind of confidence that you get from having a family like this, that's passionate and accepting of hot foreigners, and gay dudes, and nutty people. You know, a family that actually loves each other.

Jay: What's up?! Mitchell: Uh, well you know, uh, mom's in town. Jay: Your mom? Mitchell: No, no your mom. She's back from the grave. Yes, yes my mom, Dad. Jay: My mom would be less scary.

Claire: (About her mom) You know how growing up we all had that voice inside our head that tells us we're not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school.

Haley: Okay, mom just doesn't trust me and it's not fair. Phil: She trusts you, it's just the weird stuff that happens at concerts. Boys get urges. Haley: Eww! Dad, is there something you want? Phil: Yes, there is., to connect with this girl right here. Now come on, pretend I'm not your dad. We're just a couple of friends kickin' it in a juice bar. Haley: What's a juice bar? Phil: Okay a malt shop, whatever. Haley: Dad, I don't- Phil: No, who's dad, who's dad? I'm-I'm Marcus, from Biology. Hey Haley! How's it going with you and Dylan? Does he try anything inappropriate with you, girl? Haley: (Answering her phone) Hey. I don't know, nothing, just talking to some dork I met in a malt shop.

Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "Horny Colombians" with (Phil snickers) some of Gloria's uncles whom apparently the drink was named after. Phil: Oh come on, they were funny. Claire: They kept patting my butt. Phil: Somebody's full of herself. It's a-It's a Colombian wedding tradition, they said.

Cameron: Mitchell, who was that? Mitchell: Uh, it's my mom! Cameron: Oh yeah, right. Because the last time she was here the refrigerator magnets re-arranged themselves into a penta--(Sees Mitchell's mom) Grandma!

Cameron: There's a fish, in nature, that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say, "That's messed up."

Phil: (Watching Haley and Luke play patty cake) Why aren't they trying to hurt each other? Claire: I don't know, but I'm afraid to move.