Monk Season 8 Episode 9

Monk: Look, you know, you don't understand. If you buy me something then I have to pretend to like it. And then I have to remember to thank you and then I have to return it. It's a nightmare, it's a nightmare.

Monk: Why did the captain want to see me again?
Natalie: I told you. It's a double homicide in Marin County.
Monk: You said triple homicide.
Natalie: I don't think so.
Monk: You said triple. All right. What happened, did someone get better?

Natalie: I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You are officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.
Monk: As a matter of fact, you are not.
Natalie: Oh, yes I am. We're going to have balloons and cake and dancing.
Monk: Oh, for the love of God, why?
Natalie: Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.
Monk: You are so cruel.

Monk: Self-cleaning vacuum. Do I wake or do I dream?
Natalie: I don't know, Mr. Monk.

Stottlemeyer: I know she's been trying to throw you a party, and, um, she's going to. Oh, she's gonna get you.
Natalie: I'll get you.
Stottlemeyer: But this is a murder victim's place of residence. Do you honestly think she would do it here?
Monk: No. No, I don't. And that is precisely why I do. And because I do, I don't. So yes, I do.

Disher: A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.
Stottlemeyer: What happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.
Disher: Not necessarily. There could have been a long elastic wire attached to the blowdart. They're called dartarangs.
TK Jensen: How do you know they're called dartarangs?
Disher: Because they're probably called dartarangs. Or at least that's what they should be called.
Stottlemeyer: (whispering) Just nod your head and say maybe.
TK Jensen: Maybe.

Kurt Pressman: Well, you know what Thomas Edison said. Invention is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
Monk: I have a theory. I think Edison said that to explain his BO.

Natalie: All right, about how this? It won't be a party. I mean, not technically, it'll just be me and Julie, we'll come over tonight and we'll have a birthday cake and a couple of candles.
Monk: I don't want a cake.
Natalie: Okay, fine, uh, how about a cupcake? One cupcake and one candle.
Monk: Crumbs.
Natalie: Okay, a plastic cupcake, a picture of a candle, and I promise we won't have any fun at all.

Natalie: (hiding) The dumpster, the dumpster.
Monk: I can't.
Natalie: The port-a-john.
Monk: Have we met?
Natalie: The Mr. Monk, you have to choose.
Monk: I choose death.