Monk Season 4 Episode 14

Disher: Good work, sir!
Stottlemeyer: You don't have to sound so surprised, Randy.
Disher: Oh, I'm not surprised. Awestruck. (Pause) Awestruck.
Stottlemeyer: Don't be, and that's an order.
Disher: You're ordering me not to be awestruck?
Stottlemeyer: That's right. Stand over there and don't be awestruck.

Natalie: You can't just take mail from somebody's porch.
Darrell Cain: Yeah, you can if it's fruit. The law doesn't apply to fruit because it's perishable.
Stottlemeyer: Actually, sir, the law does apply to fruit. (to Disher) Are you eating one?
Disher: Nope. I was just putting that (nectarine) back.

Disher: (to Steve Wagner) Congratulations on your flight. And congratulations on the crash landing four years ago. And on marrying a figure skater.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Congratulations on your whole life.

Stottlemeyer: Okay, maybe you found a motive. Maybe. But it doesn't matter, and I'll tell you why. Because your suspect, Monk, was in outer space. He wasn't on this planet.

Stottlemeyer: Now maybe we should take a minute and see if we can think of a better alibi.

Disher: Here's the ship. And let's pretend this globe represents the earth.
Stottlemeyer: It's a globe. It does represent the earth.

Disher: It's just a theory.
Stottlemeyer: No, I don't think so. I've heard theories before, and, uh, they don't sound like that.

Natalie: (referring to Monk and Steve Wagner) You're both coming? I'm going to be class mom of the year!

Monk: (to Julie's class) Who wants to be a detective when they grow up? (several kids raise their hands.) What about you? No? Everybody in your row has their hand up. If you put your hand up, it will be a perfect row. Put your hand up!

Monk: (to Julie's class) A killer has to be perfect. And nobody's perfect.

Monk: I am such a... what do you call it?
Natalie: Wuss. No, Mr. Monk, you are not a wuss.
Monk: Well, I'm not a man. I know that. I'm a mutant. Half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.

Steve: (to Monk) I hear you've been checking up on me, calling Joanne's family, her publisher, turning over rocks. If you want to talk to me, let's talk right now, man to muss.

Monk: He killed his girlfriend.
Dr. Kroger: Which I do not condone--it's indefensible, of course.

Dr. Kroger: Which of your fears would you like to work on first?
Monk: Glaciers.
Dr. Kroger: Glaciers.
Monk: No. Rodeos. Nah. Glaciers.

Monk: (to Dr. Kroger) Why don't we sit here and name really tall things? I'll go first.

Monk: (to Steve) Could we come, too? I'm a big aviation buff . . . fan.
Natalie: So true.
Monk: Fan or buff. I love airplanes.
Natalie: Just crazy about the--
Monk: Can't get enough of them.
Natalie: --the takeoff.
Monk: And the wings and all.
Natalie: And, uh, the . . . the--
Monk: --the rudder.
Natalie: --the landing. You wouldn't mind if we come, do you?

Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Monk: I don't know.
Captain Savo's voice: They're at Ramp Two. He's handling a missile.
Natalie: No, no, no, no! These are missiles. They could be nuclear weapons!
Monk: Then stop me, for the love of God.

Monk: (to Julie, who's trying to pin a Courage badge on him) That can puncture--the skin. People get infected. I'll just hold it, how about that? That's just as good.

Monk: (as Natalie prepares to take a photograph) No flash. No flash. Retinal scarring.