Monk

Karen: (about the man she was meeting with) He's a divorce lawyer. Stottlemeyer: You're having an affair with a divorce lawyer?

Monk: This is not an appliance store. Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah. I know. Monk: You said it was an appliance store. Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry. I lied. But if I'd told you it was a junkyard, it would have taken me five hours to get you down here.

Stottlemeyer: I said I'm sorry, I think, twice. How many times do I need to apologize? Monk: Six. Natalie: Six. Stottlemeyer: Sorry, sorry, sorry! Can we do this?

Monk: Uh oh. Stottlemeyer: What's up? Monk: Oh. That car. One headlight's not broken. It's the only one that's not broken. (Stottlemeyer shoots the headlight.) Thanks.

Disher: (to Monk) Stun gun? That's good. You're goo-ood.

Stottlemeyer: What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here. Karen: It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.

Stottlemeyer: Why would he [Starkey] lie, Karen? Why would anybody lie about something like that? Karen: Well, I don't know. Maybe it was a joke. You know, cop humor. I slept with your old lady, ha, ha, ha.

Little Girl: I think I'm sick. Monk: Save yourselves! She's going to blow! It's going to get ugly!

Stottlemeyer: Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off. I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy.

Stottlemeyer: How many times have I asked you for a favor? Monk: One hundred and three. Counting this, one hundred and four. Stottlemeyer: How many time have I said "please"?

Monk: (looking into the lenses of a pair of sunglasses) Yeah. See? Reflective surfaces. Wait. Wait. I lost her. Where'd she go? Natalie: Would this be considered a reflective surface? Monk: Yeah, well, mirrors. Mirrors are good, too.

Natalie: How long have they been married? Monk: Forever. Karen and Leland. And they've never had a thing in common. I remember this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.

Monk: You can't just leave her like this. Natalie: It's a manikin! Monk: Why do you say things like that?

Monk: Ten dollars and three cents. That's how much is in there. Natalie: Okay. Thank you. Now we know. Monk: I think we should make it even. Natalie: What are you talking about? Monk: The fountain. We take out three cents and it'll be ten dollars. That's a nice round number. Ten dollars. Then everyone will be happier. Natalie: You always say that. Who is everyone? Monk: Me. (Pause.) Me.

Natalie: If we walk now, you won't even think about the fountain. Monk: I'll think about it. It would haunt me. Natalie: For three extra pennies, it would haunt you? Monk: (whispers) It would haunt me.

Gerald: (to Devo) I can't believe it. What kind of degenerate would tear out the last two pages of a Diagnosis Murder mystery?

Natalie: It might be the captain calling. Monk: Don't answer! Natalie: We can't keep him waiting forever. Monk: We've got to try.

Disher: Monk, questions? Monk: Yes. Mr. Vingold, Gerald. Do you have any idea when you'll be finished chewing on that piece of meat?

Monk: Natalie, don't touch him [Devo]! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a story about--the Black Plague.

Gerald: He's not an ordinary mouse. He's a genius. He does impressions. Watch. Devo, look at me. Do a gerbil.

Disher: (to Stottlemeyer) Number three, please put the yo-yo away.

Stottlemeyer: Look, Karen. I know that I've got a temper, but I've been working on it. I've got a yo-yo. Actually, I,uh, the yo-yo broke when I threw it at the guy.