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Lt. Randall Disher
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Monk said it would take six apologies for it to be okay. Stottlemeyer only apologized five times.
Although Randy tells Sharkey to be #5 in the line-up, he is #4 in the actual line-up.
Monk: Look at all this junk. They should get rid of it and put it somewhere.
Natalie: Well, they did, Mr. Monk. They put it here. It's a junk yard.
Monk: You can say that again!
Karen: (about the man she was meeting with) He's a divorce lawyer.
Stottlemeyer: You're having an affair with a divorce lawyer?
Monk: This is not an appliance store.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah. I know.
Monk: You said it was an appliance store.
Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry. I lied. But if I'd told you it was a junkyard, it would have taken me five hours to get you down here.
Stottlemeyer: I said I'm sorry, I think, twice. How many times do I need to apologize?
Stottlemeyer: Sorry, sorry, sorry! Can we do this?
Monk: Uh oh.
Stottlemeyer: What's up?
Monk: Oh. That car. One headlight's not broken. It's the only one that's not broken. (Stottlemeyer shoots the headlight.) Thanks.
Disher: (to Monk) Stun gun? That's good. You're goo-ood.
Stottlemeyer: What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
Karen: It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.
Stottlemeyer: Why would he [Starkey] lie, Karen? Why would anybody lie about something like that?
Karen: Well, I don't know. Maybe it was a joke. You know, cop humor. I slept with your old lady, ha, ha, ha.
Little Girl: I think I'm sick.
Monk: Save yourselves! She's going to blow! It's going to get ugly!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off. I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy.
Stottlemeyer: How many times have I asked you for a favor?
Monk: One hundred and three. Counting this, one hundred and four.
Stottlemeyer: How many time have I said "please"?
Monk: (looking into the lenses of a pair of sunglasses) Yeah. See? Reflective surfaces. Wait. Wait. I lost her. Where'd she go?
Natalie: Would this be considered a reflective surface?
Monk: Yeah, well, mirrors. Mirrors are good, too.
Natalie: How long have they been married?
Monk: Forever. Karen and Leland. And they've never had a thing in common. I remember this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.
Monk: You can't just leave her like this.
Natalie: It's a manikin!
Monk: Why do you say things like that?
Monk: Ten dollars and three cents. That's how much is in there.
Natalie: Okay. Thank you. Now we know.
Monk: I think we should make it even.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Monk: The fountain. We take out three cents and it'll be ten dollars. That's a nice round number. Ten dollars. Then everyone will be happier.
Natalie: You always say that. Who is everyone?
Monk: Me. (Pause.) Me.
Natalie: If we walk now, you won't even think about the fountain.
Monk: I'll think about it. It would haunt me.
Natalie: For three extra pennies, it would haunt you?
Monk: (whispers) It would haunt me.
Gerald: (to Devo) I can't believe it. What kind of degenerate would tear out the last two pages of a Diagnosis Murder mystery?
Natalie: It might be the captain calling.
Monk: Don't answer!
Natalie: We can't keep him waiting forever.
Monk: We've got to try.
Disher: Monk, questions?
Monk: Yes. Mr. Vingold, Gerald. Do you have any idea when you'll be finished chewing on that piece of meat?
Monk: Natalie, don't touch him [Devo]! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a story about--the Black Plague.
Gerald: He's not an ordinary mouse. He's a genius. He does impressions. Watch. Devo, look at me. Do a gerbil.
Disher: (to Stottlemeyer) Number three, please put the yo-yo away.
Stottlemeyer: Look, Karen. I know that I've got a temper, but I've been working on it. I've got a yo-yo. Actually, I,uh, the yo-yo broke when I threw it at the guy.
Karen: Because you have to ask why, Leland. That's why.
The end credits list Paul Francis Sullivan as Security Guard, but the USA Network site gives the role to Scott Conte.
The original title for this episode was "Mr. Monk and the Bad Cop."
Gerald: I can't believe it. What kind of degenerate would tear out the last two pages of a Diagnosis Murder mystery?
Diagnosis Murder was a TV series (1993-2001) starring Dick Van Dyke. Lee Goldberg, who has written several Monk scripts and is currently writing Monk novels, was the executive producer and principal writer for Diagnosis Murder from 1997 to 1999.
Natalie: There's an old saying: "When God closes a door..."
Stottlemeyer: When God closes a door, sometimes He breaks your heart.
The saying, spoken by Maria (Julie Andrews) in The Sound of Music (1965), is actually, "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."
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