Monk Season 2 Episode 7

Stottlemeyer: I've got a sister. We fight all the time. There's times when I feel like I'd like to kill her. You ever felt like that?
Ricky: I don't know; I've never met your sister.

Monk: (as Sharona waits for him to defuse a bomb) You'll never have this much fun in New Jersey.

Stottlemeyer: But he screwed up, and he hit a truck.
Disher: And then a car, and then another car.

Sharona: You gonna miss me?
Disher: No. Maybe. A little.
Sharona: Do me a favor and call me sometime to remind me why I left.

Sharona: (to Monk) People change. Not you, but other people.

Mailman: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly becomes the messenger of evil. Who'da thunk it?
Monk: Well put, Tamil.

Sharona: Is that a new tie?
Disher: Yeah. It's a gift from my girlfriend.
Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.
Disher: Do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

Stottlemeyer: Monk, ol' buddy, ol' pal!
Sharona: Old buddy? What did you do with the real Captain Stottlemeyer?

Monk: How about a card shuffler? It says "fun for all ages." I know [Benjy] likes fun. He mentioned it once.

Sharona: (to Monk) People change. Not you, but other people.

Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.

Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
Dwayne: Yeah, you sorta do.
Disher: Oh, that's a mistake. You don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once and you don't want to do that.

Monk: Don't use that bathroom! It's a mess!

Monk: Did you see the ketchup bottles?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I did.
Monk: Pretty weird, huh?

Sharona: Benjy, Mr. Monk isn't a toy.
Benjy: Sure he is!

Monk: Why were you chasing him?
Stottlemeyer: Because he was running. If he ever wakes up, we'll ask him.

Monk: Sigmund Freud never took a vacation.
Sharona: Sigmund Freud never met you.

Sharona: Cut the red one!
Monk: You said the blue one!
Ricky: Three seconds!
Sharona: Adrian, cut one!
Monk: I'll cut them both.

Monk: Don't move. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Sharona: Will you stop saying "okay" and do something?
Monk: Okay.

Sharona: What about my job? I just can't leave Adrian.
Trevor: He's an adult.
Sharona: Only someone who doesn't know him would call him that.

Trevor: Sharona, if I had three lives, I'd spend one of them apologizing to you.

Stottlemeyer: If you were to tell me that Howdy Doody was behind this, it would make more sense.
Monk: Howdy Doody? Why would Howdy Doody be sending people mail bombs? Wasn't he a puppet?

Monk: (staring at a dozen ketchup bottles glued to a ceiling) Here's something you don't see every day.

Sharona: The coma guy? He woke up?
Monk: No.
Sharona: But you were talking to him?
Monk: He's a good listener.

Stottlemeyer: I have known fifteen thousand criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common. (Yells.) They're conscious!
Monk: Nonetheless. . . .
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?

Stottlemeyer: Brian built the bomb. And then Brian mailed the bomb. By himself. While he was in a coma.
Monk: You've got to admit, it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid.

Disher: Do you want some coffee, sir?
Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. What I want is for that ATF creep to eat crow.

Stottlemeyer: Him? Monk, he's a vegetable. He's not even a vegetable. He hopes one day to be a vegetable.

Monk: Nice house.
Stottlemeyer: It was a lot nicer two hours ago.

Dr. Kroger: I'll be in Costa Rica.
Monk: Costa Rica? . . . I've never been to Costa Rica.
Dr. Kroger: No, Adrian. You're not going. It's a vacation.