Monk

Monk: (reacting to an envelope in Natalie's hand) I've been drafted. They've reinstated the draft.

Natalie: I can't believe they're still renovating this place. They should put up a sign: "Your tax dollars not at work."

Monk: Don't get me wrong. It's a great system. It really is the best justice system in the world. Natalie: I agree. Monk: I just don't want to be part of it. Natalie: Mr. Monk, what if everybody felt that way? Monk: Everybody does.

Monk: I work alone. I'm a lone wolf. Natalie: You're a lone wolf. Monk: Even when I was on the force, I didn't like having a partner. I can't work with other people. Natalie: Okay, well, I think that's sad. Monk: I agree. It's very sad.

Monk: Thank you, Natalie. I know you mean well. I'd rather be sucked out of an airplane window.

Reporter: (on television) Sergeant! Sergeant Stottlemeyer! Excuse me, can we get a word, please? Stottlemeyer: No comment. Reporter Sergeant Stottlemeyer! Stottlemeyer: Actually, it's Captain. Disher: Yeah, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, with three Ts. Four, if you count the one in "Captain."

Jury Clerk: If you do not hear your name, you are excused. Monk: Here it comes. Jury Clerk: (reading) Adrian Monk. Monk: There it is.

Agent Lapides: (to an envelope he's holding to his ear) What's that, sir? Yeah. I'll tell him. (to Stottlemeyer) The attorney general says, "Don't screw it up."

Judge Rienzo: And you are? Monk: Adrian Monk. Capital A, small d, small r, small i, small a, small n, space... Judge: Thank you, Mr. Monk. I think we have it.

Monk: Your honor, I will not be able to serve today, unfortunately, for a number of reasons. First off, uh, there's the bathroom (pause) situation. I can't share a bathroom. I just can't. You can ask Natalie. Natalie? Natalie: Yeah, he's persnickety. He's very persnickety. He's persnickety squared.

Judge Rienzo: Mr. Monk, I have seen hundreds of people pretend to be disturbed to avoid jury duty, but you, sir, are in a class by yourself. Monk: You're too kind. Judge: Well, it's not going to work, sir. You have a seat, Mr. Monk. Monk: Objection. Judge: You are juror number eleven.

Judge Rienzo: Whose phone was that? Monk: It's hers, your honor. Number three. And she fell asleep. Yeah, you. Number eight, your honor. Judge: Nobody likes a tattletale. Monk: I think number nine is a tattletale. Judge: That'll do, Mr. Monk.

Juror: What are you doing? Monk: I was making them even, so we can all concentrate and not be disturbed by uneven venetian blinds.

Monk: Do you mind if we trade seats? Juror: Why? Monk: I'd rather be number ten. It's my favorite number. It's kind of important to me. Mr. Cobb: You know what, pal? Nobody's trading anything with you. Now sit down, okay? I mean it. Sit! Okay?

Monk: When I'm ready, I'll tell you the solution. That's how it works.

Monk: Here's the thing. I don't like working with partners. Foreman: Well, like it or not, you've got eleven partners now.

Disher: Sir, could you repeat that, please? Stottlemeyer: Yeah. What part? Disher: Everything after "Pay attention. I'm only going to say this once."

Foreman: Did you talk to the judge? Bailiff: He says it's too late. He's already sent the alternates home. You're stuck with [Monk].

Mr. Cobb: What the hell kind of detective are you? Monk: I'm the kind of detective who wonders why someone would take the time to wipe off the handle but not the blade.

Monk: (from the window) There's a body in the dumpster! Natalie: You want a hot toddy and mustard?

Patel: We should not listen to this man. He is ruining America for everybody!

Foreman: Six to six. We go into extra innings.

Monk: (from window) Who is she? Natalie: No ID. Monk: No idea? (repeated several times) Natalie: No ID! Disher: No ID! Monk: Check her identification! Natalie and Disher: No ID! Monk: Are those orthopedic shoes?

Mr. Cobb: What are you doing? Monk: (whispers) You were smoking [in bed]. Mr. Cobb: I'm allowed to smoke. Read the sign. Monk: It's keeping me awake. And you're going to start a fire. Mr. Cobb: Then there's no problem. You're awake, right? If there's a fire, you'll see it and you put it out, right? Hey, right?

Disher: Captain, [Escobar] just said he was going to scratch his nose. Stottlemeyer: Okay. Disher: It's the way he said it. It was like a threat. Stottlemeyer: He threatened to scratch his nose.

Juror: Killing someone to get on a jury. That's a first.

Patel: (to Natalie) You should listen to this man. He is good for America.