Monk Season 2 Episode 3

Stottlemeyer: Monk!
Monk: Toby, sit. (Opens the door and lets Toby get away.) I was never good with animals.
Stottlemeyer: (to Disher) Go! Go! Fetch! Get the ball! Get the ball!

Stottlemeyer: (on hands and knees) Yes, you're a good dog. Good boy, good boy. Gimme the ball. Gimme the ball, Toby.
Disher: Toby, give the ball to the captain. (No reaction.) Toby! Toby release! (Stottlemeyer gives him a look.) Okay, just give me the ball. (Toby growls.)

Monk: (to Stottlemeyer) I'm done. I think I'm done. Am I done? I'm just going to leave.

Stottlemeyer: (handing Benjy the game ball) Don't lose that. When you make it to the majors, that's gonna be worth a fortune.

Disher: Should I release it [a grainy security photo] to the press?
Stottlemeyer: What's the point? I've seen better pictures of Bigfoot.

Disher: May we come in, Mr. Browning?
Walker: What if I say no?
Stottlemeyer: Don't say no.

Sharona: Adrian, why don't you go talk to him [Benjy]?
Monk: Me?
Sharona: Yeah, give him a pep talk. He respects you.
Monk: He does? Why?
Sharona: Because he doesn't work for you.

Stottlemeyer: (disputing a call) You want the health department to come visit your restaurant?
Umpire: I don't have to take this, not for twenty dollars a game! I quit!

Sharona: (as Monk obsessively cleans home plate) Adrian, Adrian! It's okay. It's clean enough!
Stottlemeyer: Okay, guys, we're going to be here a while, so if anyone has any homework they need to do, they might as well get it out now.

Monk: Sharona, I can't. I can't. I can't do this.
Sharona: Why? Because he's naked? (Monk nods.) You've never seen a naked man before?
Monk: No.
Sharona: You've seen yourself naked, right?
Monk: Just once.

Monk: Hey, hey, you looked good out there.
Benjy: What game were you watching? I sucked!
Monk: Yeah, you did, kinda. Listen, Benjy, do me a favor and just, your mom thinks I'm giving you a pep talk.
Benjy: Why?
Monk: I don't know! I don't know, because I'm a guy, we're two guys, I don't know, I don't know. (Waves his arms.) Just kinda nod your head and pretend I'm giving you some good advice.

Monk: Trudy and I almost bought this house.
Sharona: Really? (Monk looks at her.) Adrian, you made a joke! You were joking. You feeling okay?

Monk: (to Stottlemeyer and Disher) Can I make a prediction here? You're both going to say "Oh, my God." Twice.

Monk: (umpiring a game) Strike! Strike one! Ball! Ball one! That was a ball. That was ball one. That was ball one. No, strike. Strike. Ball, ball. Time! Time out!

Sharona: Next time he [Benjy] is going to bat clean-up. Sounds like something you would do. Clean-up? Get it?
Monk: I get it.

Mrs. Jenkins: (crying) Could I have one of those [wipes]?
Monk: I'm sorry. I only have four left.

Dr. Kroger: Well, okay, I hate to end the session on that note, but the hour's up.
Monk: No, it's not. It's only been fifty-seven minutes.
Dr. Kroger: How'd you do that? You wearing a watch?
Monk: No.
Dr. Kroger: You could see my watch, right?
Monk: No. It's a gift . . .
Dr. Kroger: . . . and . . . a curse.

Monk: Somebody fix the scoreboard! The numbers are wrong! No wonder attendance is down.

Monk: Captain, he shot the wife first. Why would he do that? I would have done the husband first, wouldn't you?
Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Monk. It's never come up.

Sharona: Thank you, Adrian. I thought I'd thank you now, because in half an hour you're probably going to piss me off again.
Monk: You're welcome.

Scott: What about the police? What are they doing?
Sharona: Well, sometimes they take a day or two to catch up with us.
Monk: (adjusting a stadium chair) Meanwhile, I'm working on it, around the clock. I'm going to get that other one out in the bleachers.

Sharona: What's your problem? The human body is beautiful thing.
Monk: No. It isn't.

Sharona: Adrian, you are a great detective. A terrible umpire, but a great detective.

Sharona: You can't tell if a "1" is upside down.
Monk: I can tell. The whole scoreboard, it's like some surreal abstract art thing.

Disher: You ready for this?
Stottlemeyer: Ready for what? Just say it, Randy.