Monk Season 4 Episode 4

Monk: Give me the cards. Weather. Politics. Swear words.
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: (pocketing the swear word cards) Don't you look at them. Football.

Monk: You guys wanna hear some swear words?

Monk: We were talking about the local football franchise.
Stottlemeyer: The Niners.
Monk: No. The San Francisco Forty-Niners.

Monk: He's insecure. He's always trying to impress people. Act tougher than he is.
Disher: How do you know that?
Monk: He was chewing on this--toothpick.
(Stottlemeyer, chewing on a toothpick, glares.)

Natalie: I used to work in a place like this. Lasted about two weeks. You do the same thing every day.
Monk: (longingly) The same thing.
Natalie: After a while, you get to feel like a number.
Monk: A number?
Natalie: Just like everybody else.
Monk: Everybody else . . . .

Warren Kemp: All you have to do is look busy. I'll give you some reports to collate.
Monk: (to Natalie) Did you hear that? I'll be collating!

Monk: Look at him! He's completely obsessed. And not in a good way, like me.

Natalie: How's the hand?
Warren Kemp: Nine broken bones.
Monk: One more, it would have been an even ten.
Kemp: You sound disappointed, Mr. Monk.
Monk: Well, it's too late now.

Chilton Handy: Mr. Kemp said I could have that cubicle.
Abby: What's the difference?
Chilton: It's closer to the emergency exit. Statistically, it's a little safer.
Abby: Statistically, you're a little nuts. Why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?

Monk: I have a gang. I'm in the gang. They're waiting for me.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Monk: Natalie, they like me. I brought some cards along and I haven't had to use them. Nobody's laughing at me.

Monk: (to "the gang") No, I couldn't have been a detective. I could never be a detective. They're lonely. They're very lonely and sad. They don't have a gang. A gang from the office.

Monk: One more [bowling pin], it would have been an even ten.
Frances: Oh, you get another chance. You get two balls.
Monk: Really?

Monk: Here's the thing. When you say "rent a pair," you're talking about footwear that other people have already worn?
Abby: That's right.
Monk: On my feet? Here's the thing. I don't like to share--anything.

Monk: That was our table. We sat at that table and ate nachos.
Natalie: You ate nachos?
Monk: No, but I pretended to. And then later, Ben made a copy of his Caucasian buttocks, which was very funny, but I don't know why.

Monk: He'll think we're in love.
Natalie: You don't look like you're in love. You look like someone who's had some sort of industrial accident.