Lt. Randall Disher
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Joy: And you are...a sweet little crocus--just a bud.
Disher: Huh. I've always felt like a crocus! Yeah, I'm not kidding!
Disher: Peters, any ID at all? Fingerprints, anything?
Forensic Tech: You need fingers for fingerprints.
Disher: (singing) "Cupid was a gun for hire. Took aim at Leland Stottlemeyer. Who's love was wallowed in the mire. We love you, TK Stottlemeyer! Mr. and Mrs. Stottlemeyerrr..."
Natalie: Sounds a little like Light My Fire.
Disher: What part?
Natalie: The words. And the music.
Stottlemeyer: Um, there's something else. I guess this is as good a time as any. Uh, you and I.. we go way back. Probably some 20-odd... or even.. mostly odd years.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'm asking you to be my best man.
Monk: Really? Wow! I'm.. I'm.. what am I? I'm surprised. I'm flattered. I'm slightly apprehensive. And I'm anxious, which... I'm always anxious. So that doesn't really...
Stottlemeyer: Is that a yes?
Natalie: You want me to hold the ring?
Monk: I got it.
Natalie: Why don't you put it in your pocket?
Monk: Pockets rip.
Natalie: How about a drawer?
Monk: Not reliable.
Natalie: Really? I find drawers to be pretty reliable.
Monk: I'd just worry about it. You know, I'd obsess over it. Probably end up carrying the whole bureau around with me.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, the evidence is over here. Randy, go get him. It's a mixed arrangement, they're supposed to be mixed up.
Stottlemeyer: Okay, we have a victim found in Colin Park. He was shot once and then burned.
Monk: I read the file, so where are we?
Stottlemeyer: Still unidentified. Randy, what do we know about him?
Disher: Well, we know he was... flammable. That's pretty much it.
Disher: I'll send this down to the lab.
Stottlemeyer: We're in the lab.
Disher: Then I'll just put it right there.
Monk: Okay, does everybody have pizza?
First Cop: Uh, there's nothing on it.
Monk: I know! I ordered plain.
First Cop: Not even cheese?
Monk: I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everyone gets one, I put your names at the top.
Second Cop: Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom.
Monk: Where do you want me to put it, Mike, in the kitchen?
Monk: All right, I would like to say a few words about our friends, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.
Stottlemeyer: Thank you, thank you very much.
Monk: And it goes like this. "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says 'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster and you wanna get married again? You're crazy. No wonder you have a duck on your head.'" And Leland says...
Stottlemeyer: And Leland says I need a drink.
Stottlemeyer: Whoever this guy is, he's ruining my life.
Disher: Well, that's supposed to be my job.
Disher: So who's on your short list?
Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Disher: Yeah, or both.
Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.
(visiting a florist shop)
Monk: You smell that? They should open some windows.
Natalie: Mm, I think it smells wonderful. I bet you Heaven smells just like this.
Monk: I bet it doesn't. $20.
Joy: I found it.
Monk: Excuse me?
Joy: This is your flower.
Natalie: It's plastic.
Monk: I love it.
Monk: You're not going to even ask him?
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, it's crazy, don't mention it again.
Disher: Hey, how you guys doing?
Natalie: Mr. Monk wants to walk TK's father down the aisle.
Monk: We're the exact same height. I mean, how often does that happen?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm sure he'd like to walk his daughter down the aisle.
Monk: Well, she can walk behind us. Just ask him. I'm talking about the exact same height. Think how cool that would look.
Monk: Well I'm not giving up. It's gonna work out somehow. You love her. You need her. She's your answer.
Stottlemeyer: She's my answer. Where'd you hear that?
Monk: Trudy used to say that. My Trudy.
Monk: That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.
Stephanie: Just shut up.
Monk: I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.
Stottlemeyer: It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.
Injoke: Ralph Toplyn, FBI agent, is a reference to Joe Toplyn, episode writer and crew member.
Czech Republic: March 19, 2010 on TV Nova
Slovakia: December 15, 2010 on Markiza
Finland: September 1, 2012 on YLE TV1
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