Micky performs an alternate take of "Goin' Down" in a swath of superimposed saxophones, trombones and guitars.
The Monkees arrive by Monkeemobile in a town for a gig at a hotel when they are buzzed by a motorcycle gang twice and eat their dust, causing Michael to cough so much that Micky scares him out of coughing at gunpoint! Peter then gives Michael water to drink (from The Monkeemobile's petrol tank!) driving him into a choking fit! After seeing the sign "Henry Cabot Lodge and Cemetery (If You Are Dying To Have a Good Time, Come and See Us)", The Cool Quartet book up at the hotel to find it surrounded by senior citizens (one of whom is covered in cobwebs!). They soon learn from Mr. Blauner, the owner, that they are to double as waiters, bellhops and groundskeepers, and, desperate for cash, the guys accept. Their first customers arrive in the form of four motorcycle gangs all hidden by helmets and each of the intimidated guys assists them only to be surprised when they take off their helmets to be four beautiful girls: Queeny, Jan, Nan and Ann.
After settling them in, the boys make a play for them but are rebuffed at every turn: David tries to wine and dine Queeny but is unable to open the champagne bottle; Peter reads poetry to Jan who in turn calls him a sissy; Ann shows Michael a picture of the someone who he reminds her of which is cocker spaniel; Micky giving Nan a smooch on the neck and is repaid with a rap in the mouth! Deciding they must get really, really rough to win them, the guys, in a fantasy sequence, imagine a School Of Hard Knocks And Bruises, under the tutelage of Micky (mounted on a motorcycle whose engine is still running!); there, after taking the pledge, Micky inspects their hands and compliments Michael and David on their dirty hands but chides Peter on his clean hands ("You're a renegade, not a dentist!") and threatens to kick him out of the club in 3 seconds if he doesn't do something about it. Peter dashes out and returns with muddy hands, and is won over by his mates.
Later the guys in Marlon Brandoesque-leather gear as motorcycle freaks, learn that the girls, now wearing ordinary clothes, are tired of the open road. The Monkees still attempt to impress them with their tough-guy act but the girls reject them claiming they are too tough which is the reason they left their boyfriends, The Black Angels, a for-real motorcycle gang comprised of Big Frank, Big Neal, Big Bruce and Big Butch, the leader. This scares the guys since this was the same gang responsible for a recent massacre at Pismo Beach! As The Monkees head for the door, The Black Angels break in and sneak up behind the boys, and they keel over.
Butch keeps shoving them about and tries to challenge them into a fight because they stole his woman, but the boys, who claim themselves to be The Chickens, decline as it is against their club regulations. The situation is made worse when Micky inadvertently effronts Queeny when she comes to their defense. Butch challenges them to an Annual Best Riders Contest, where first prize is a chance for the contestant to destroy everything in sight, including himself! In their room that night, the guys hold a meeting discussing what they should do and Michael moves that they take some immediate course of action: leaving! The boys try to escape but Butch and Neil blocks their path. They next morning, The Monkees and the Black Angels prepare for the motorcycle race in front of a crowd and soon a wild motorcycle race set to "Star Collector" ensues. While Micky, Michael and David zoom off with The Black Angels, Peter is stuck behind, having to cope with mechanical problems with his bike, and so he misses out.
The Black Angels end up winning the race and are greeted in arms by the girls. Soon Butch grabs Micky and decides to either tear him apart single-handedly or crush him with his bike, but is stopped by Queeny. Tired of the open road, she tells Butch she wants to settle down, build illegal motorcycles and "raise little scooters!" Blauner offers to give him room and board and a job at his hotel if he promises not to destroy anything, and, through Queeny, Butch accepts as everybody rejoices.
"We pledge to Obey the Laws of Dirt And Violence, to Curb our Desire For A Bath, and to Offend All Living Things!"
-Pledge of The School Of Hard Knocks And Bruises