Monty Python's Flying Circus

Season 2 Episode 8

Archaeology Today

Aired Unknown Nov 17, 1970 on BBC



  • Quotes

    • (A model mynah bird is opening and shutting its beak. Beethoven is sitting at the piano.)
      Beethoven: You don't fool me, you stupid mynah bird. I'm not deaf yet.
      Mynah: Just you wait... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Beethoven pulls a revolver and shoots the bird which falls to the ground) Oh! Bugger...
      Beethoven: Shut up!
      Mynah: Right in the wing.
      Beethoven: Shut your beak. Gott in Himreel... I never get any peace here.
      (He plays the first few notes of the fifth symphony, trying vainly to get the last note. Mrs Beethoven enters.)
      Mrs Beethoven: Ludwig!
      Beethoven: What?
      Mrs Beethoven: Have you seen the sugar bowl?
      Beethoven: No, I haven't seen the bloody sugar bowl.
      Mrs Beethoven: You know ... the sugar bowl.
      Beethoven: Sod the sugar bowl... I'm trying to finish this stinking tune! It's driving me spare ... so shut up! (she leaves; he goes into opening bars of 'Washington Post March ) No, no, no, no, no.
      (Mrs Beethoven comes back in.)
      Mrs Beethoven: Ludwig, have you seen the jam spoon?
      Beethoven: Stuff the jam spoon!
      Mrs Beethoven: It was in the sugar bowl.
      Beethoven: Look, get out you old rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up.
      Mrs Beethoven: I don't know what you see in that piano. (she goes)
      Beethoven: Leave me alone!! ... (gets the first eight notes right at last) ... Ha! ha! ha! I've done it, I've done it!
      (Mrs Beethoven comes in again.)
      Mlrs Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread for your tea?
      Beethoven: What!!!!
      Mrs Beethoven: PEANUT BUTTER...
      Beethoven: I've forgotten it. (plays a few wrong notes) I had it! I had it!
      Mrs Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread?
      Beethoven: I don't care!!
      Mrs Beethoven: Ooooh! I don't know. (she goes out)
      Beethoven: I had it. I had it you old bag. (at the same moment as he gets it right again, the door flies open and Mrs Beethoven charges in with a very load hoover) Mein lieber GottH What are you doing? (a terrible clanking and bankng comes from the wall) What's that! What's that!
      Mrs Beethoven: (still hoovering loudly) It's the plumber!
      (A jarring ring of the doorbell adds to the din.)
      Beethoven: Gott in Himreel, I'm going out.
      Mrs Beethoven: Well, if you're going out don't forget we've got the Mendelssohns coming for tea so don't forget to order some pikelets.
      Beethoven: Pikelets, pikelets! Shakespeare never had this trouble!
      Shakespeare: (washing at a sink) You wanna bet? Incidentally, it's da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum.
      Beethoven: You're right! Uh, incidentally, why not call him Hamlet?
      Shakespeare: Hamlet! I like, much better than David. Michelangelo, you can use David! I won't sue.
      Michelangelo: (caring for six babies) Thanks, but I've had a better idea. (Camera pans down to show engraved on plinth beneath statue the words "Michelangelo's fifth symphony".)

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