Various Characters [ series 1 - 3, Deutsche shows & features ]
Wife of Kidnapping Victim
When Mr. Verity says that you must multiply everything Lambert says by three, shouldn't he have said by thirty? (Since every number he says is ten times too high)
In the Pet Shop sketch, John Cleese's character states that the palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob. Actually, it wouldn't. A palindrome is a word or phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards, not a word that is the reverse of another word.
The wife in the "Buying a Bed" sketch seems to have more lines than "her only line".
Groom: We want to buy a bed, please.
Mr Lambert: Oh, certainly, I'll, I'll get someone to attend to you. (calling off) Mr Verity!
Mr Verity: Can I help you, sir?
Groom: Er yes. We'd like to buy a bed...a double bed...about fifty pounds?
Mr Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.
Groom: Eight hundred pounds?!?
Mr Lambert: Or, perhaps I should have explained. Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate, so every figure he gives you will be ten times too high. Otherwise he's perfectly all right, perfectly ha, ha, ha.
Groom: Oh I see. I see. (to Verity) So your cheapest bed then is eighty pounds?
Mr Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
Groom: And how wide is it?
Mr Verity: Er, the width is, uh, sixty feet wide.
Groom: Oh... (laughing politely he mutters to wife) six foot wide, eh. And the length?
Mr Verity: The length is ... um ... (calls off) Lambert! What is the length of the Comfydown Majorette?
Mr Lambert: Uh, two foot long.
Groom: Two foot long?
Mr Verity: Ah yes, you have to remember of course, to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. Uh, it's nothing he can help, you understand. Apart from that he's perfectly all right.
Groom: I see, I'm sorry.
Mr Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot wide, it is in fact sixty foot wide.
Groom: Oh, yes I see...
John Cleese: In 1943, a group of British Army Officers working deep behind enemy lines, carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids in the history of warfare. But that's as maybe. And now...
Caption: AND NOW...UNOCCUPIED BRITAIN I970
(Cut to colonel's office. Colonel is seated at desk)
Colonel: Come in, what do you want?
(Enter Private Watkins)
Watkins: I'd like to leave the army please, sir.
Colonel: Good heavens man, why?
Watkins: It's dangerous.
Watkins: There are people with guns out there, sir.
Watkins: Real guns, sir. Not toy ones, sir. Proper ones, sir. They've all got 'em. All of 'em, sir. And some of 'em have got tanks.
Colonel: Watkins, they are on our side.
Watkins: And grenades, sir. And machine guns, sir. So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.
Colonel: Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.
Watkins: I know sir but people get killed, properly dead, sir, no barley cross fingers, sir. A bloke was telling me, if you're in the army and there's a war you have to go and fight.
Colonel: That's true.
Watkins: Well I mean, blimey, I mean if it was a big war, somebody could be hurt.
Colonel: Watkins, why did you join the army?
Watkins: For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir. And not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir - no killing.
Colonel: Watkins, are you a pacifist?
Watkins: No sir, I'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward.
Colonel: That's a very silly line.
The Colonel's Speech About The Sillyness of The The Program: Now, I've noticed a tendency for this program to get rather silly. Now I do my best to keep things moving along, but I'm not having things getting silly. Those last two sketches I did got very silly indeed, and that last one about the bed was even sillier. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do. Except perhaps my wife. And some of her friends. Oh yes, and Captain Johnson... Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point! Now! Let's have a good clean healthy outdoor sketch. Get some air into your lungs. Ten nine eight and all that.
Art Critic: Good evening. I'd like to talk to you tonight about the place of the nude in my bed. I-In the history of my bed ... of art! Of art, I'm sorry. The place of the nude in the history of tart... call-girl... I'm sorry! I'll start again. Bum! (covers mouth) Oh, what a giveaway. Th-the place of the nude in art. (Elsie enters)
Art Critic: Oh h-hello there, father, er confessor, professor, your honour, your grace...
Elsie: I'm not your Grace, I'm your Elsie.
Art Critic: (horrified) What a terrible joke!
Elsie: But it's my only line!
Narrator: BUT THERE LET US LEAVE THE ART CRITIC TO STRANGLE HIS WIFE AND MOVE ON TO PASTURES NEW...
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Customer: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint!
Owner: Sorry, we're closin' for lunch.
Customer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Customer: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Customer: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Customer: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Polly! I've got a nice fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Customer: No, he didn't, that was you pushing the cage!
Owner: I didn't!!
Customer: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Customer: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! WAKEY-WAKEY! RISE AND SHINE! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily.
Customer: Um...now look... enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Customer: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM!
Customer: Look here, mate. This parrot wouldn't "voom" if you put 4000 volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! It's pining!
Customer: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! It's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Customer: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a slug.
Customer: Does it talk?
Owner: Not really.
Customer: Well, it's scarecly a replacement then, is it?
When John Cleese guest starred on The Muppet Show one sketch made an in-joke reference to the "Pet Shop" sketch. Dressed as a pirate with an annoying Muppet parrot on his shoulder, Cleese looks at it and says, "Do you want to be an ex-parrot?!?"
The "Buying a Bed" sketch was different on the record album. On the TV version, Graham's Mr. Lambert character puts a paper bag over his head, prompting Eric's Mr. Verity to sing while standing in the tea chest. On the album version, though, the paper bag is replaced by a bucket, and Eric stands in a fish tank instead. Also, Carol Cleveland's stressed wife character says a few more lines in the album than on television, but still claims "We want a mattress" to be "her only line".
Mr. Verity: Lambert will be able to help you.
The "Buying a Bed" sketch had two salesmen collectively named for Verity Lambert, a British TV and film producer. Among Verity Lambert's credits was as executive producer of the John Cleese film "Clockwise" and the first couple of seasons of Doctor Who.
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