BBC Anchor: Well, there's the first result, and the Silly Party have held Leicester. What do you make of that, Norman?
Norman: Well, this is largely as I predicted except the Silly Party won. But then, this is mainly due to the number of votes cast. Gerald?
Gerald: Well, there's a swing here to the Silly Party but how big a swing, I'm not going to tell you.
INTERVIEWER: Mr. L.F. Dibley's latest film if. (he turns to Dibley) Mr. Dibley, some people have drawn comparisons between your film, if, which ends with a gun battle at a public school, and Mr. Lindsay Anderson's film, if, which ends with a gun battle at a public school.
DIBLEY: Oh yes, well, I mean, there were some people who said my film 2001: A Space Odyssey, was similar to Stanley Kubrick's. I mean, that's the sort of petty critical niggling that's dogged my career. It makes me sick. I mean, as soon as I'd made Midnight Cowboy with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo, John Schlesinger rushes out his version, and gets it premiered while mine's still at the chemist's.
INTERVIEWER: Well, we have with us tonight one of your films, Rear Window, which was to become such a success for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later. Now this is a silent film, so perhaps you could talk us through it.
(Cut to a dim, shaky 8mm shot of a window. It is open. After a few seconds a man appears and looks out. He then performs over-exaggerated horror and points, looking at camera. Then he disappears and then he reappears.)
DIBLEY: Yes, well, let's see now ... there's the rear window. There's the man looking out of the window. He sees the murder. The murderer's come into the room to kill him, but he's outwitted him and he's all right. The End. I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's supposed to be so bloody wonderful, padded that out to one and a half hours ... lost all the tension ... just because he had bloody Grace Kelly he made £3 million more than I did. Mind you, at least she can act a bit, I could have done with her in Finian's Rainbow ... The man from the off-licence was terrible ... a real failure that was - ten seconds of solid boredom.
(Cut to shaky titles: Mr Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow starring the man from the off-licence.'
Cut to the man from the off-licence standing by a tennis-court. He wears a dress and appears to be trying to say something - he has forgotten his words. He does an unconvincing little dance.)
CAPTION: 'THE END'
DIBLEY: Bloody terrible.
Raymond Luxury-Yacht: It's spelled "Raymond Luxury Yach-t", but it's pronounced "Throatwobbler Mangrove".
Interviewer: You're a very silly man, and I'm not going to interview you!
Raymond Luxury-Yacht: Ah-ha! Anti-semitism.
Michael Palin: Well, it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. On BBC2 now it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening it'll be ten o'clock and at 10.30 we'll be joining BBC2 in time for 10.33, and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9.20. Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Now here is a time check. It's six and a half minutes to the big green thing.
Terry Jones: You're a looney.
Michael Palin: I get so bored. I get so bloody bored.
Nigel: Er, excuse me, I want to get married.
Henry the Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.
Nigel: Er, no, no. I just want to get married.
Henry the Registrar: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.
Nigel: Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary because...
Henry the Registrar: You see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.
Nigel: No, no, I want to get married here.
Henry the Registrar: Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.
Nigel: Look, I just want you to marry me... to...
Henry the Registrar: I want to marry you too sir, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?
Nigel: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.
Henry the Registrar: Suits me, sir. Suits me.
Nigel: I don't want to marry you!
Henry the Registrar: There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir.
Nigel: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.
Henry the Registrar: I will marry you sir, but please make up your mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.
Nigel: I'm sorry, but...
Henry the Registrar: That's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.
Nigel: Look, I'm already engaged.
Henry the Registrar: (agreeing and thinking) Yes, and I'm already married. Still we'll get round it.
Second Man: (entering) Good morning. I want to get married.
Henry the Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir.
Second Man: Well, can I get married after him?
Henry the Registrar: Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen.
Third Man: (entering) I want to get married, please.
Henry the Registrar: Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it. All right, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, sir.
Third Man: What, those two getting married... Nigel! What are you doing marrying him?
Henry the Registrar: He's marrying me first, sir.
Third Man: He's engaged to me!
Fourth Man: Come on, Henry.
Henry the Registrar: Blimey, the wife.
Second Man: Will you marry me?
Fourth Man: I'm already married.
Narrator: Well, things turned out all right in the end, but you musn't ask how 'cos it's naughty. They're all married and living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.
Known as 'It's a Living' on the A&E DVDs.
Second Bishop: I am the Bishop of East Anglia, and anyone who doesn't believe me can look me up in the book.
The Pythons turned an old phrase of ex-baseball manager Casey Stengel: "If you don't believe it, you can look it up." By chance, the New York Yankees retired Stengel's No. 37 jersey earlier in 1970.