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Various Characters [ series 1 - 3, Deutsche shows & features ]
Stewardess, Mayor's Attendant, Beatrice
When John Cleese walks past the smarmy announcer, he is wearing a moustache. However, when Cleese walks into the "Cheaplaughs" sketch, the moustache has disappeared.
Also on Algon, the cost for a new element for an electric kettle is supposed to total the entire Gross National Product of the United States "from 1770 to the year 2000." That's a laugh. We all know the United States wasn't formed until 1776, when 13 colonies broke from Britain.
According to the announcer, a rear-window demisting device for an 1100 costs £8,000,000,000,000,000,000 on the planet Algon. But the caption bears nine zeroes too many.
As one of El Mystico's apartment blocks starts teetering in one direction, a chair falls against the grain. Tilt your head to your left as the reporter and two tenants fight the tilt, and you will catch the chair falling the wrong way.
Interviewer: But it's the electrical system which has attracted the most attention. Arthur Huntingdon, who Helen Graham married as a young girl, and whose shameless conduct eventually drove her back to her brother Lawrence, in Anne Bronte's The Tenant of Wildfell Hall describes why it's unique.
Huntingdon: Because sir, it is self-generating. Because we have harnessed here in thir box the very forces of life itself. The very forces that will send Helen running back to beg forgiveness!
Interviewer: But even more modern building techniques are being used on an expanding new town site near Peterborough; here the Amazing Mystico and Janet can put up a block of flats by hypnosis in under a minute.
(Mystico uses Hypnosis to put up a block of flats.)
Interviewer: The local Council here have over fifty hypnosis-induced twenty-five story blocks, put up by El Mystico and Janet. I asked Mr Ken Verybigliar the advantages of hypnosis compared to other building methods.
Mr. Verybigliar: Well there is a considerable financial advantage in using the services of El Mystico. A block, like Mystico Point here would normally cost in the region of one-and-a-half million pounds. This was put up for five pounds and thirty bob for Janet.
Mayor: ...This is our mortuary in here, Your Grace...
Peer: I see, I see, I... er... I... er... I... er... I... I can't think of anything to say about it.
Mayor: Well, we're very proud of it here, sir. It's one of the most up to date in the country.
Peer: I see... yes... yes... now... um... what... what... ah... ah... what is it? ....is it a power station?
Mayor: No, Your Grace, it's a mortuary.
Peer: I see... I see... good... good... good, good, good...
Mayor: But it has one of the most advanced thermostat control systems in the country, and it has computer-controlled storage facilities.
Peer: I see, I see... I... er... er... er... er... I... er... I'm a good little doggie.
Mayor: I'm sorry, Your Grace?
Peer: I'm a good little dog.
Attendant: Oh dear...
Mayor: Perhaps we should postpone the visit?
Attendant: No, no, no - you see it's just that his brain is so tiny that the slightest movement can dislodge it (starts to slap the duke's head from side to side gently but firmly) Your Grace... Oh dear... it's rather like one of those games you play where you have to get the ball into the hole... That's it.
Peer: Ah! Now then, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent. Now then... ah... what happens when the steel is poured into the ingots?
Mayor: (ushering everyone out) Perhaps we should go and have a look at the new showers?
Peer: Yes... yes ... yes ... yes... yes rather jolly good... jolly good... jolly good... jolly good... no fear...
Radio Voice: Well the answers were as follows: 1) the left hand, 2) no, 3) normal, 4) yes it has, in 1963 when a bird got caught in the mechanism. How did you get on?
Wang: Turn that thing off!
Battersby: Oh! It's 'Mortuary Dance Time', Mr Wang!
Wang: Never mind that, Battersby, this is the big one. I've just had Whitby Police on the phone with twelve hangees...
Battersby: Oh yes, I just heard about that on the radios...
Wang: No, these are twelve different ones... so shtoom.
(Battersby and friend gather round the body. Wang joins them. They start to work away busily and e. eiciently on the corpse. Mr. Badger comes in.)
Badger: I'll not interrupt this sketch for a pound.
Badger: For one pound I'll leave this sketch totally uninterrupted.
Badger: Fifty pence... I'm prepared to negotiate a forty-pence deal. (an eye peers out from under the sheet on the corpse they are working on) For 35P I won't interrupt any of the next three items.
(The corpse is now sitting up waiting to see what happens. Another corpse sits up as they continue arguing. The sheet is pushed back on another trolley revealing a boy and girl on the same stretcher. They light cigarettes.)
Wang: No, no, it's no good...
Badger: 10p and a kiss.
Redcoat: Well hello again .... nice to be back ... glad to see the series has been doing well. Well now, sorry about Mon-trerx. That was a little item entitled Hide-and-Seek - very anarchic, very effective, not quite my cup of tea, but very nice for the younger people. Well, the next item the boys have put together takes place in a sitting room. Sorry it's just a sitting room, but the bank account's a bit low after the appallingly expensive production of 'Clothmerle'...
(Mr. Robinson hits him with a chicken. He then walks away and passes by Mr. Badger.)
Badger: This is a totally free interruption and no money has exchanged hands whatever.
Badger: This is not an interruption at all.
Presenter: Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about bull-fighting. They say it's not only cruel, vicious and immoral, but also blatantly unfair. The bull is heavy, violent, abusive and aggressive with four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bull-fighter is only a small, greasy Spaniard. Given this basic inequality what can be done to make bull-fighting safer? We asked Brigadier Arthur Farquar-Smith, Chairman of the British Well-Basically Club.
Brigadier: Well, basically it's quite apparent that these little dago chappies have got it all wrong. They prance round the bull like a lot of bally night club dancers looking like the Younger Generation or a less smooth version of the Lionel Blair Troupe, (his voice gets higher) with much of the staccato rhythms of the Irving Davies Dancers at the height of their success. In recent years Pan's People have often recaptured a lyricism ... (a huge hammer strikes him on the head; he becomes butch again) and what we must do now is to use devices like radar to locate the bull and SAM missiles fired from underground silos, to knock the bull over. Then I would send in Scottish boys with air cover to provide a diversion for the bull, (voice gets high again) whilst the navy came in round the back and finished him off. That to me would be bull-fighting and not this pansy kind of lyrical, evocative movement which George Balanchine and Martha Graham in the States and our very own Sadler's Wells ... (the hammer strikes him on the head again) Troops could also be used in an auxiliary role in international chess, where... (the lights go off) What?... oh...
Badger: I'll put the lights on again for a pound.
Architect: (about Mystico's buildings) Of course they're safe. There's absolutely no doubt about that. They are as strong, solid and as safe as any other building method in this country provided of course people believe in them.
Tenant: Yes, we received a note from the Council saying that if we ceased to believe in this building it would fall down.
Interviewer: You don't mind living in a figment of another man's imagination?
Tenant: No, it's much better than where we used to live.
Interviewer: Where did you used to live?
Tenant: We had an eighteen-room villa overlooking Nice.
Interviewer: Really, that sounds much better.
Tenant: Oh yeah, you're right.
(The building starts to fall.)
Tenant: No, no, no, of course not.
(The building rights itself.)
Tenant: Phew, that was close.
Badger: Hello. The BBC have offered me the sum of 40p to read the credits of this show. (sits) Personally I thought they should have held out for the full seventy-five, but the BBC have explained to me about their financial difficulties and... er... I decided to accept the reduced offer... so... the show was conceived, written and performed by... the usual lot... Also appearing were Carol Cleveland, Marie Anderson, Mrs Idle, Make-up - Madelaine Gaffney, Costume - Hazel Pethig, Animations by Terry Gilliam, Visual Effects Designer - Bernard Wilkie, Graphics - Bob Blagden, Film Cameraman - Alan Featherstone, Film Editor - Ray Millichope, Sound - Richard Chubb, Lighting - Bill Bailey, Designer - Bob Berk, Produced by Ian MacNaughton for 92p and a bottle of Bells whisky ... it was a BBC colour production. That's just it. I'd like to say if there are any BBC producers looking in who need people to read the credits for them, I would personally... (A 16-ton weight falls on him.)
First Pilot: This is Captain MacPherson welcoming you aboard East Scottish Airways. You'll have had your tea. Our destination is Glasgow. There is no need to panic.
(The cockpit door opens and Mr. Badger comes in.)
Mr. Badger: There's a bomb on board this plane, and I'll tell you where it is for a thousand pounds.
Second Pilot: I don't believe you.
Badger: If you don't tell me where the bomb is... if I don't give you the money... Unless you give me the bomb...
Stewardess: The money.
Badger: The money, thank you, pretty lady... the bomb will explode killing everybody.
Second Pilot: Including you.
Badger: I'll tell you where it is for a pound.
Second Pilot: Here's a pound.
Badger: I don't want Scottish money. They've got the numbers. It can be traced.
Second Pilot: One English pound. Now where's the bomb?
Badger: I can't remember.
Second Pilot: You've forgotten?
Badger: Aye, you'd better have your pound back. Oh... (rubs it) fingerprints.
First Pilot (MacPherson): Now where's the bomb?
Badger: Ah, wait a tic, wait a tic. (closes eyes and thinks) Er, my first is in Glasgow but not in Spain, my second is in steamer but not in train, my whole is in the luggage compartment on the plane... (opens eyes) I'll tell you where the bomb is for a pound.
Second Pilot: It's in the luggage compartment.
Badger: Right. Here's your pound..
(Enter a man with headphones.)
Headphones: Is this character giving you any trouble?
Macpherson: He's just ruined this sketch.
Second Pilot: Yes, absolutely.
Headphones: Let's go on to the next one.
Badger: No. Wait a tic, wait a tic. I won't ruin your sketch for a pound.
Second Pilot: No, no.
Headphones: Next item!
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