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Various Characters [ series 1 - 3, Deutsche shows & features ]
Anona Winn in the "Agatha Christie" sketch / Gert van der Whoops' girlfriend in Social Legislation sketch
Surgeon, Chief Constable Fire
Lady Velloper, A.J.P. Taylor
At the beginning of the Agatha Christie sketch a boom microphone can be seen moving out of shot above Graham Chapman.
Stop-action on the human scale has its drawbacks. Watch the building in the background of the coffin moving itself into the gravesite. During two beats, a parked van can be seen outside the building. It just magically appears and disappears.
In the "Interesting People" sketch, the man who is half-an-inch long identifies the compère as David, but later in the sketch, the man who is totally invisible calls the compère Hughie.
This episode ends without any sense of closure to the murder investigation.
The World of History.
Professor R.J. Canning: 1348. The Black Death, typhus, cholera, consumption, bubonic plague.
(Cut to five undertakers.)
First Undertaker: Ah, those were the days...
Canning: Now I'm... I'm... Now I'm not prepared to go on with this, unless these interruptions cease. All fight? Right. The devastating effect of these, em...
(Cut to hearses racing, only to end up in an "Accident Black Spot". Nearby, the undertakers are picnicking. Canning packs p and papers and walks away.)
Canning: No, don't follow me and... And don't zoom in on me, no I'm off, I'm off. That's it. That's all. I'm off.
(He walks out of shot. A short pause. Then another undertaker enters.)
Second Undertaker: Are you nervous? Irritable? Depressed? Tired of life? Keep it up.
Compère: Hello, good evening, and welcome to yet another edition of "Interesting People". And my first interesting person tonight is the highly interesting Mr. Howard Stools from Kendal in Westmorland.
(He puts a matchbox (Mr. Stools) on desk in front of him. He presses a button on the desk and we hear applause. Releases button; applause stops abruptly. He opens the box a little and speaks into it.)
Compère: Good evening Mr Stools.
Stools: Hello, David.
Compère: Mr Stools, what makes you particularly interesting?
Stools: Well, I'm only half an inch long.
Compère: Well that's extremely interesting, thank you for coming along on the show tonight Mr Stools.
Mr Stools: I thought you'd think that was interesting David, in fact...
Compère: (shuts matchbox; applause) Mr Alan Stools from Kendal in Westmorland ... half an inch long. (applause) Our next guest tonight has come all the way from Egypt, he's just flown into London today, he's Mr All Bayan, he's with us in the studio tonight and he's stark raving mad.
(Applause. Cut to Ali Bayan who looks at camera in a very mad way. Applause.)
Compère: Mr All Bayan, stark raving mad. Now it's time for our music spot and we turn the spotlight tonight on the Rachel Toovey Bicycle Choir, (applause) with their fantastic arrangement of 'Men of Harlech' for bicycle bells only.
(Cut to six men in oilskins and sou 'westers. They sing 'Hen of Harlech ', and at the end of each line mournfully ring bells. Applause at end.)
Compère: The Rachel Toovey Bicycle Choir. Really interesting. Remember, if you're interesting and want to appear on this programme, write your name and address and your telephone number and send it to this address: (reads caption) The BBC, c/o E. F. Lutt, x8 Rupee Buildings, West 12. (applause) Thank you, thank you. Now here's an interesting person. Apart from being a full-time stapling machine, he can also give a cat influenza.
(Cut to a smart dressed man who coughs capious into a cat basket. We hear a miaow and a feline sneeze. Cut back to Compère.)
Compère: Well, you can't get much more interesting than that, or can you? With me now is Mr Thomas Walters of West Hartlepool who is totally invisible. Good evening, Mr Walters. (turns to empty chair)
Walters: (off-screen) Over here, Hughie.
Compère: (turns to find a boringly dressed man sitting by him) Mr Walters, are you sure you're invisible?
Walters: Oh yes, most certainly.
Compère: Well, Mr Walters, what's it like being invisible?
Walters: (slowly and boringly) Well, for a start, at the office where I work I can be sitting at my desk all day and the others totally ignore me. At home, even though we are in the same room, my wife does not speak to me for hours, people pass me by in the street without a glance in my direction, and I can walk into a room without...
Compère: Well, whilst we've got interesting people, we met Mr Oliver Cavendish who...
Walters: (droning on) ... Even now you yourself, you do hardly notice me...
Compère: Mr Oliver Cavendish of Leicester, who claims to be able to recite the entire Bible in one second, whilst being struck on the head with a large axe. Ha, ha, wow. We've since discovered that he was a fraud, yes a fraud, he did not in fact recite the entire Bible he merely recited the first two words, 'In the...' before his death.
(Cut to film montage of sporting clips.)
Compère: Now it's time for 'Interesting Sport', and this week it's all-in cricket, live from the Municipal Baths, Croydon.
(Boxing ring; two fully kitted out cricketers, who as the bell goes, approach each other and start hitting each other with cricket bats. Applause.)
Compère: With me now is Mr Ken Dove, twice voted the most interesting man in Dotking. Ken, I believe you're interested in shouting.
Dove: (shouting) Yes, I'm interested in shouting all right, by jove you certainly hit the nail on the head with that particular observation of yours then.
Compère: What does your wife think of this?
Dove's Wife: (offscreen) I agree with him!
Dove: Shut up!
Walters: ... At parties for instance people never come up to me, I just sit there and everybody totally...
(Mr. Don Savage enters, holding his cat, Tiddles.)
Compère: That is Tiddles, I believe?
Savage: Yes, this is, this is Tiddles.
Compère: Yes, and what does she do?
Savage: She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of water.
Compère: By herself?
Savage: No, I fling her.
Compère: Well that's extremely interesting, Ladies and gentlemen - Mr Don Savage and Tidlles.
(Savage whirls Tiddles round and round, then lets go. Tiddles fiies across studio and lands in a bucket.)
Dove: (shouting) Oh, I'm more interesting than a wet pussycat!
Walters: (now invisible) ... for hour after hour...
Compère: Yes, great, well now for the first lime on television 'Interesting People' brings you a man who claims he can send bricks to sleep by hypnosis. Mr Keith Maniac from Guatemala.
(Maniac is sitting by campère. He wears a top hat and an opera cloak.)
Maniac: Good evening.
Compère: Keith, you claim you can send bricks to sleep.
Maniac: Yes, that is correct, I can...
Compère: Entirely by hypnosis.
Maniac: Yes ... I use no artificial means, whatsoever. (leans and picks Mr. Stools off desk to light pipe, opens it and strikes match)
Dove: You've injured Mr Stools!
Maniac: (picks up other box and lights pipe) I simply stare at the brick and it goes to sleep.
Compère: Well, we have a brick here, Keith. (indicates brick on desk) Perhaps you can send it to sleep for us...
Maniac: Oh... Ah, well, I am afraid that is already asleep.
Compère: How do you know?
Maniac: Well, it's not moving ....
Compère: Oh, I see - have we got a moving brick? Yes, we've got a moving brick, Keith, it's coming over now.
(We see a man in a white coat preparing to throw brick. He throws it gently. It lands on the desk in front of Keith. Keith stares at it as it falls.)
Maniac: There we are, fast asleep.
Compère: Very good, very good indeed.
Maniac: All done with the eyes.
Compère: Yes, Mr Keith Maniac from Guatemala.
Dove: (distressed) Mr Stools! Speak to me, Howard!
(Quick cut back to all-in cricket.)
Compère: Mr Keith Maniac of Guatemala... and now four tired undertakers.
(A drawing room of large English country house. Sitting around are various standard Agatha Christie type characters, Colonel Pickering, Lady Amanda Velloper, Kirt, Anona Winn. They drink tea, read etc. Outside there is thunder. Enter Inspector Tiger.)
Inspector Tiger: This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I... I... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?
Colonel Pickering: You don't want anybody to leave the room.
Inspector Tiger: (clicking fingers to indicate Pickering has hit the nail on the head) Now, alduce me to introlow myself. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myself. Introme -to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. (bangs himself on the side of the head) Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
Inspector Tiger: (jumping) Where? Where? What? Ah. Me Tiger. (to Lady Velloper) You Jane. Grrr. Beg your pardon, allow me to introduce myself, I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room.
Lady Velloper: Why not?
Inspector Tiger: Elementary. Since the body was found in this room, and no one has left it. Therefore... the murderer must be somebody in this room.
Pickering: What body?!
Inspector Tiger: Somebody. In this room. Must the murderer be. The murderer of the body is somebody in this room, which nobody must leave... leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody. Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody. Everybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the room body. Take the tablets, Tiger. (searches for the tablets) Anybody with a body but not the body is nobody. Nobody leaves the body in the... (he takes the tablet) Albody me introbody albodyduce.
(At this moment a surgeon enters with two nurses and starts to operate on his head with sawing noises. Caption on the screen: 'THE SAME DRAWING ROOM. ONE LOBOTOMY LATER'. The surgeon is packing up. Tiger's head is bandaged.)
Surgeon: Now for Sir Gerald.
Inspector: That's better, now I'm Inspector Tiger and I must ask that nobody leave the room. (he gives thumbs up to the surgeon who is at door) Now someone has committed a murder here, and that murderer is someone in this room. The question is... who?
Pickering: Look, there hasn't been a murder.
Inspector Tiger: No murder?
Inspector Tiger: Oh. I don't like it. It's too simple, too clear cut. I'd better wait. (he sin on sofa) No, too simple, too clear cut.
(The lights go out. There is a scream followed by a shot. The light goes up. Tiger has been shot.)
Pickering: By jove, he was right.
(Enter Chief Superintendent Lookout, with constable.)
Lookout: This house is surrounded. I must ask that no one leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.
Lady Velloper: Look out?
Lookout: (jumping) What, where, oh, me, Lookout. Lookout of the Yard.
Lady Velloper: Why, what would we see?
Lookout: I'm sorry?
Lady Velloper: What would we see if we look out of the yard?
Lookout: ...I'm afraid I don't follow that at all. Ah ha. The body. So the murderer must be somebody in this room. Unless he had very long arms. Say thirty or forty feet. I think we can discount that one. (starts laughing) "Look out of the Yard!" Very good. Right. Now, we'll reconstruct the crime. I'll sit down here. Constable, you turn off the lights. (lights go out) Good. Now then, there was a scream (scream) then just before the lights went up there was a shot.
(There is a shot. The lights go up and now Lookout is dead too. In walks Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.)
Theresamanbehindyer: All right... all right, the house is surrounded and nobody leave the room and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.
Theresamanbehindyer: Ah, you're not going to catch me with an old one like that. Right let's reconstruct the crime. Constable, you be Inspector Tiger.
Constable: Right, sir. (imitates Tiger) Nobody leave the room ask shall - somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall, take the tablets Tigerbody. Alself me to my duce introlow left body in the roomself.
Theresamanbehindyer: Very good. Just sit down there. Right now we'll pretend the lights have gone out. Constable, you scream. (constable screams) Somebody shoots you (pulls gun and shoots constable through head) and the door opens...
Fire: Nobody move! I'm Chief Constable Fire.
Undertaker: We're interrupting this sketch but we'll be bringing you back the moment anything interesting happens.
The Battle of Pearl Harbour sketch was filmed on location in North Yorkshire where there was no proper facility for washing off after the mud fight. On this very cold day, the Pythons had access only to an outhouse with cold water to clean themselves.
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